I'm sorry I'm like this or like anything I don't mean to be. This is a year I use to just improve, forget about those frets and people. If they didn't care for me why should I care for them anymore?

A consistent thought I have that bubbles up, honestly quite often is the factors of just...disappearing and seeing who actively notices...

I've sat back and watched people fawn over people I've had issues with and it's hard cause maybe I was the issue at the end of it. Seen friends disappear but still be active elsewhere like they never wanted to be around me anyways It's hard, so hard even with constant self assurance and from others

Due to such I get more and more withdrawn from even attempting anything when it comes with things. I already struggle with trust and finding that niche that I can be comfortable in. I know you can't always get along or mesh well with everyone but it's another to feel like /you're/ the problem.

My anxiety is also getting the better of me even if things are....turning to look AWFUL.

I apologize for any aloofness even after I return. Hell even on the off chance something happens and I don't.

All that literally remains over there is things I've packed that are with my mom and the things I've got down South + my cat.

I know things are just things that can be replaced but not with the significance a lot of things I've packed away already have...

Unfortunately saying fears of uncertainties that danger may occur isn't completely valid and I'd need more to add to that reasoning. Since...it's unfortunately still considered a "safe" country...

If things change before I go back on Sunday..........I'm terrified.

A neet that does nothing but be on the computer all day. Struggling to get through anything without a job, insurance or anything.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. And screaming on the internet is going to do absolutely nothing.

I'm sorry.

At least I will have a month to spend, in 8 days. where I can at least feel okay, happy and like I'm doing something.

Having no irl social life sucks. Not to short the friendships I have now, I love and appreciate everyone so much. It's just...hard to be quite literally STUCK.

I feel like a mess.

Being there is home. It's where I feel safe and can be happy with anything and everything cause I have my partner and it's..home.

Being in the States? I rot in bed and just...am not okay most days. Which isn't okay. Unmedicated and just struggling overall. And it sucks.

If anyone truly needs me to be active, I'll be there. Or at least try to be at my best capacity of doing so.

It's the point of the year, outside of upcoming things (Ireland trip namely) where I struggle and know that I struggle. Which is one reason why I'm going transatlantic for a month tbqh....