are u telling me u dont want to be and/or kiss an armored core? get out of my house

this is all just
aka "i want to connect with ppl who like stuff that i like rather than The More Popular/Palatable versions of my interests that i see"
like. its similar with "no one gives a fuck unless its furry"

i feel like i yell about this once a month, and it is genuinely fine if thats what ppl like, i am just tired of that being the Only kind(s) of robots i encounter most of the time, and the only kind(s) of robots ppl try to Talk to me about

i also very likely do not mean "protogens" even if i think theyre OK

WOGH

ye np!!

unsplash.com this is the site i use for free-use pics. even if u dont use it for this, might be helpful/fun to mess with in general (they also dont accept any submissions that use A/I)

ive edited some pics for projects before:

u might could bullshit one by taking like. stock photo of Forest At Night plus a bunch of filters or smth

thats a huge part of why this + avpd hits so hard, esp around groups. bc constant interaction means more chances for me to fuck up and be awkward and maybe ruin someones day, or at least just make the activity/event/whatever A Little Bit Worse by being there. best to just not go

or, i know that i still Can and Do (hurt others/cause problems)
just. more about Minimizing chances, with how my brain thinks about it
why talk about how im feeling when it might be worrying or scary or boring or etc. when i can just Say Nothing and it doesnt become their problem?
that kind of thing

so i self-abandon by default because i dont want to hurt other people
it feels like minimizing the risk of me making a mistake that hurts someone, or makes them feel a bit bad in any sort of way (even if its something as simple as Slightly Annoying Them);
if i dont have needs, i cant hurt others

> i usually, genuinely, do not feel like i deserve more than that. other people can have + do those things but my brain doesnt consider me a person
it feels like i am: dangerous, intrusive, creepy, a nuisance, a bad friend, untrustworthy, a liar, etc. etc; not something that anyone is safe around

my brain says i am not allowed to exist unless i am Causing 0 Problems, Behaving Perfectly, Always Perfectly Tending to the Needs of Others, and Expressing 0% of Myself
and even then itll find some way to criticize or ridicule me

and i Know logically that that isnt how i should think, but >

and the same goes for like
-accidentally speaking out of turn/interrupting someone (even if i stop myself and apologize)
-venting or asking for help
-stumbling over my words/embarrassing myself
-picking something that someone else doesnt want
-being annoying/boring/rude/unhelpful at all ever

ill be in a call and ramble for 15 seconds about an interest of mine and immediately have thoughts of "why am i doing this to this person? its selfish of me to be talking about what /i/ like. i say i care about them and this is how i act. im a shitty friend" etc.
exaggerated a bit but not that much

there is just a constant train of thought in my head that is over-analyzing my "impact" on other people;
"am i safe to be around? am i helpful? am i giving others enough space? am i there for others when they need me?" etc. so any 'mistake' i make becomes that much worse in my head

id say at this point im better about the codependent aspects than i used to be, its mostly just the like. 'not giving a fuck about myself at all' + 'only focusing on everyone else's needs' stuff

close enough

trying very hard rn to find info online about it that isnt like. the most AI-sounding shit in the world but its difficult