It’s still all love I left it all on the court whatever happens now is just for the better because I have much better things coming for me and I have growth that I’ve been needing to attend to and work on, we got better schooling better jobs and better lives coming Just sad to leave the past behind.

Like you miss a person who doesn’t even exist anymore a person who’s vanished hell this person doesn’t even exist anymore because of no fault of your own but you can do nothing but blame yourself and ask “what could I have done better for this to not happen”.

And you still treat them like the same person you met because you don’t know what else to do, it’s like you watched them VANISH in-front of your eyes one day only for them to never ever be seen again, it’s like what the fuck man this is the most crazy and like depressing thing ever.

you watched it all happen you didn’t even take a back seat YOU TRIED to do good for this person you still try and do good for them even if it’s not and hasn’t been asked of you for a while you still want to make sure there at least taken care of because that’s what you’ve conditioned yourself to do

And habits that have will and continue to make there rabbit hole of mental issues even worse, it’s genuinely like seeing your mom get dementia and like loose her mind you love her you want good things for her but she’s genuinely just like mentally emotionally and everything but physically change-

One last thing before I go to bed, imagine if you will you yearn for a person who isn’t alive in spirit anymore but Is physically still alive IMAGINE what that does to your mental state, you can quite literally watch in real time as they destroy themselves and others enable there terrible behaviors-

Btw gunden if your reading this thanks for the fragrance, hoodies and food very chill of you xoxo

Also side note on the whole Maddie and gabe situation ended all romantic relationships between both because one deserves better as I’m mentally ill and has someone who will take much much better care of them then I could ever imagine and the other one is a psychopath who uses others for there gain

I have and never will like men in a sexual nature im only attracted to enbys and women of all types, if you think that you know me better than I know myself you are actually a sperg.

I have stopped giving a fuck about people who don’t care about me anymore, be damned the same group I tried to be friends with all for them to go away because one bitch got there feelings hurt that someone wouldn’t sleep with them

Blasting pulse width at 10 pm is goated, also meds have been making me more aware of my thought patterns which are nice

She’s my fantasy she only comes out at night.

I should stop being mentally ill and tell Maddie I love her

Media

I’m going to go shower and ride out this weekend like everything is fine now, I’ll update here later.

I still love her a lot though and if you’re seeing this I would give everything in a heartbeat to see your smile in person again.

I’ve spent the last 6 months yearning for someone who seems to be over me, seems to be. they wanted to try again recently but I think there life would be better without me even if they still love me I’m so worried that I’m just falling down my rabbit hole again maybe I won’t get pulled out this time

Listening to flatsound thinking about a girl who probably never thinks about me anymore while I have someone laying right next to me trying so desperately to love me while I reject her for aforementioned girl.

Life is strange