_By the Reverend of Resigned Cynicism_ ## 🛳️ Gaza Flotilla: Humanitarian Aid, Now With Bonus Jail Time This week’s scripture opens on the high seas, where a boat full of activists tried to deliver food and medicine to Gaza. Israel intercepted them like they were smuggling uranium and pirated Netflix passwords. Greta Thunberg was onboard, because apparently climate activism is now a felony if you do it on water. The official line? “They should’ve used proper channels.” Sure—because nothing says “urgent humanitarian relief” like filling out Form 47‑B in triplicate and waiting six to eight weeks for approval. ## 🏛️ Shutdown Theater: Government by Pop‑Up Ad The U.S. government is shut down again, and instead of fixing it, the administration is spending your tax dollars to plaster giant red banners across federal websites that read: _“Democrats shut down the government.”_ Yes, the USDA can’t process farm subsidies, but it can definitely troll you online. Meanwhile, Trump’s budget guy, Russ Vought, is treating the shutdown like a yard sale: “Which agencies can we gut today? EPA? Education? Hell, let’s cancel Amtrak while we’re at it.” They call it “fiscal discipline.” I call it “burning down your house to save on heating bills.” ## 🕵️ Surveillance as a Side Hustle Turns out the Biden administration’s old “Quiet Skies” program spent $200 million surveilling members of Congress. Prevented zero terrorist attacks, but hey, it kept a handy enemies list. TSA meets Nixon, with worse PowerPoint slides. ## 💻 Stock Tips from the Progressive Caucus Rep. Ro Khanna, Silicon Valley’s progressive darling, disclosed he’s been buying stock in Palantir—the same company building surveillance software for immigration enforcement. It’s like finding out your vegan friend secretly owns a steakhouse. ## ⚔️ Secret Wars, Now Streaming Trump quietly declared the U.S. is in an “armed conflict” with Caribbean drug cartels. No debate, no vote, just a memo: “By the way, we’re at war now.” Airstrikes already underway. It’s the foreign policy equivalent of declaring war on mosquitoes: endless, itchy, and guaranteed to make you miserable. ## 🧾 Pocket Rescissions: The Art of Stealing Back Money The administration is also using “pocket rescissions” to claw back billions Congress already approved. Translation: “We asked for money, you gave it to us, and now we’re keeping it in a sock drawer.” Even Republicans are calling it unlawful, which is like Enron accusing you of shady bookkeeping. ## 🚉 Charlotte Transit: Unsafe at Any Speed After a refugee was stabbed on a train, the police union begged for the National Guard. The mayor basically said, “We’ll light a candle.” Security funding tripled, but actual security dropped. Riders now board with pepper spray, a prayer, and a backup will. ## 🎓 Texas A&M: Academia Meets Amateur Hour A professor was fired over gender identity drama, the dean got demoted, and the president resigned. Their solution? Hire a former Republican lawmaker as interim president. Because nothing says “academic freedom” like putting a culture warrior in charge of the English department. ## 🚗 EV Market: Billionaires Playing Hot Potato Tesla says subsidies are for losers. Ford says, “Please, sir, may I have another?” Meanwhile, the average American still drives a gas‑guzzler because the cheapest EV costs more than their annual therapy bill. ## 🇮🇪 Ireland’s Tax Jackpot Ireland revised its corporate tax forecast up to €34 billion. Not from Guinness, not from tourism, but from letting Apple and Google pay less tax than your local bakery. The leprechauns are laughing all the way to the Caymans. ## 🏈 Gainesville: Tailgate of the Titans Texas vs. Florida is the big game this weekend, and Gainesville’s airport is flooded with private jets. Because nothing says “college spirit” like 200 Gulfstreams landing so rich alumni can watch paid teenagers give each other concussions. The tailgate scene looks like Burning Man for hedge fund managers: Wagyu burgers, $300 coolers, and enough bourbon to drown a senator. ## 🙏 Closing Benediction So what have we learned this week? That governments troll their own citizens, activists get jailed for delivering food, universities are run like reality shows, and billionaires argue over subsidies while the rest of us argue over rent. May your sarcasm be sharp, May your cynicism be well‑hydrated, And may your bullshit detector remain fully charged. **Amen. And pass the boxed wine.** ## ✒️ Sacramental Oath of Cynicism Raise your glass, your coffee mug, or whatever’s left in your flask, and repeat after me: > I swear to never take the circus seriously, > To laugh at the slogans, > To side‑eye the speeches, > And to treat every “historic announcement” like a rerun. > I pledge to wield sarcasm as my shield, > Cynicism as my compass, > And profanity as my occasional punctuation. > I will not be fooled by red banners, > By “proper channels,” > Or by billionaires pretending to be underdogs. > I am a reluctant believer, > A professional eye‑roller, > And a card‑carrying member of the Church of Sanctified Bullshit. > And until the last press conference ends, > The last bailout is spun as “reform,” > And the last tailgate jet departs Gainesville— > I remain unrepentant, > Unbowed, > And gloriously f**king sarcastic. **So say we all. Now refill your glass.**

By the Reverend of Resigned Cynicism 🛳️ Gaza Flotilla: Humanitarian Aid, Now With Bonus Jail Time This week’s scripture opens on the high seas, where a boat full of activists tried to deliver food ...