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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson
@chriswritesplays.bsky.social
130 followers 110 following 690 posts
Playwright and Screenwriter. Semi-retired Actor. Satirist. Business inquiries through Email. DM's open.
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · Sep 1
"Writing is not a real job!"

Me: "You like reading books though?"

"Yes, That is correct."

Me: "Ok, Follow up question... Are you (bleeping) with us?"

#PeaceAndQuiet2026
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 1d
"If I cared about what you do on the weekend, I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes..."

-Mallory Archer

She's just like me fr fr.
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 1d
Can't talk. Watching Archer with the bros...
a man in a black turtleneck is standing in front of a window
ALT: a man in a black turtleneck is standing in front of a window
media.tenor.com
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 1d
I'm here to crack jokes and drink beer.

*Cracks knuckles*

And I'm all out of beer.

Test my patience. I dare you...
chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 1d
I really hate how I have to add a disclaimer stating, "This is a joke!"

I really wish people would understand sarcasm...
chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 1d
This is not Twitter.

Please (bleep) off.
chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 1d
I don't care about your children.

As far as I'm concerned, they are a drain on our resources...

(This is a joke. I love babies. Babies and kittens are awesome)
chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 1d
I'm in the waiting room. A dude next to me scrolls TikTok with no headphones. His phone is on full blast.

Part of me thought, "Wow... We have bad attention spans as a species."

My ghetto side was like, "Yo! Turn that down. I don't want to hear it. The (bleep) is wrong with you?"
chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 1d
People who don't use headphones are a disgrace upon humanity...
chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 1d
Here's another group of people I wish we could launch into oblivion...

"People who blast music without headphones."

I don't want to hear your crappy music. Ok?

That's why *I* wear headphones..
chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 3d
"You haven't seen the last of Conway Stern... Which is not my real name!"

This is why I love Archer.
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 3d
*House phone rings*

Me: "WHAT?!" *Cheryl voice*
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 3d
Can't talk. Watching Archer...
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 3d
Bluesky really needs to update these GIFs.

What the (bleep) am I looking at? 🤣
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 3d
Opinion:

Stop shoving your religion down my throat.

It's too early and I'm only two beers in...
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 3d
"I love Taylor Swift's music."

If I ever say this, CALL. THE. POLICE!
mbrobergmoffitt.bsky.social Mattslew Batberg-Mothfit (any/all) @mbrobergmoffitt.bsky.social · 4d
Can I get a well-done mushroom Swiss burger with extra mushrooms, ketchup, and mustard?
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 3d
Well...

I'm gonna have some fun in therapy today.

You all have a good'n!
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 5d
*Fake crying*

"Won't somebody PLEASE think of the Billionaires?! Think of the shareholders, You selfish poors! Why can't we have a Parasocial relationship with a billionaire? I just... Waaaaah!"
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 5d
Laura Loomer: "You want to play a game?"

Me: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 6d
Goodnight, my degenerates. 💕
chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 6d
What a night. What a night. What a night...

It feels good to laugh again.
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 6d
Yay! My 666th post!

*Phone rings*

Satan: "Sup, Bro?"

OH, HELL NAH! Get off my phone. 🤣
chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 6d
I do not understand Parasocial relationships and I'm too old to learn!

"You're 33!"

EXACTLY!
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 6d
Oh, Yea. I forgot something.

*Grabs megaphone*

Parasocial relationships have gotten OUT of control! Stop it! She's not going to bang you, man.

She doesn't know you exist!

*Clicks*

How are you?
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 6d
*Sanford and Son theme starts playing*
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chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Chris Patterson @chriswritesplays.bsky.social · 6d
Hold on one second. I forgot something.

*Grabs megaphone again*

VOTE MAMDANI FOR MAYOR!

*Coughs*

I gotta stop smoking, Dude...
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