Chris Patterson
@chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Playwright and Screenwriter. Semi-retired Actor. Satirist. Harlem, NYC
Business inquiries through Email. DM's open.
Business inquiries through Email. DM's open.
Pinned
"Writing is not a real job!"
Me: "You like reading books though?"
"Yes, That is correct."
Me: "Ok, Follow up question... Are you (bleeping) with us?"
#PeaceAndQuiet2026
Me: "You like reading books though?"
"Yes, That is correct."
Me: "Ok, Follow up question... Are you (bleeping) with us?"
#PeaceAndQuiet2026
"I don't do politics! It doesn't affect me. Meeeehhh!"
Me:
Me:
January 25, 2026 at 4:16 PM
"I don't do politics! It doesn't affect me. Meeeehhh!"
Me:
Me:
It's 12 degrees outside.
We're staying indoors and playing Pokemon with the bros.
Nature can suck my d-
*Transmission lost*
We're staying indoors and playing Pokemon with the bros.
Nature can suck my d-
*Transmission lost*
January 24, 2026 at 3:35 PM
It's 12 degrees outside.
We're staying indoors and playing Pokemon with the bros.
Nature can suck my d-
*Transmission lost*
We're staying indoors and playing Pokemon with the bros.
Nature can suck my d-
*Transmission lost*
Fun fact: Why do I use (bleep) in some of my posts? I'll tell you why!
Because not all of us curse and I want us ALL to be included in the joke.
If you can't make us all laugh? Then what's the point?
Because not all of us curse and I want us ALL to be included in the joke.
If you can't make us all laugh? Then what's the point?
January 24, 2026 at 3:32 PM
Fun fact: Why do I use (bleep) in some of my posts? I'll tell you why!
Because not all of us curse and I want us ALL to be included in the joke.
If you can't make us all laugh? Then what's the point?
Because not all of us curse and I want us ALL to be included in the joke.
If you can't make us all laugh? Then what's the point?
Pokemon jokes with my best friend:
Me: "I don't know about you, but I'm tryna use full restore on this bank account, (bleepa!) It's not working!"
Bestie: "You are so... Stupid! 🤣"
And this is why I only have two best friends! Comedic relief!
Me: "I don't know about you, but I'm tryna use full restore on this bank account, (bleepa!) It's not working!"
Bestie: "You are so... Stupid! 🤣"
And this is why I only have two best friends! Comedic relief!
January 24, 2026 at 3:28 PM
Pokemon jokes with my best friend:
Me: "I don't know about you, but I'm tryna use full restore on this bank account, (bleepa!) It's not working!"
Bestie: "You are so... Stupid! 🤣"
And this is why I only have two best friends! Comedic relief!
Me: "I don't know about you, but I'm tryna use full restore on this bank account, (bleepa!) It's not working!"
Bestie: "You are so... Stupid! 🤣"
And this is why I only have two best friends! Comedic relief!
Dear, my degenerates. 💕
On February 1st, I will be taking a break from social media for a month.
The good news?
I'm finally working on scripts again! I've missed writing.
The bad news?
Therapy is WHOOPING my ass. GIRL, I am so tired! 😭
It's time to take a break...
On February 1st, I will be taking a break from social media for a month.
The good news?
I'm finally working on scripts again! I've missed writing.
The bad news?
Therapy is WHOOPING my ass. GIRL, I am so tired! 😭
It's time to take a break...
January 22, 2026 at 11:23 PM
Dear, my degenerates. 💕
On February 1st, I will be taking a break from social media for a month.
The good news?
I'm finally working on scripts again! I've missed writing.
The bad news?
Therapy is WHOOPING my ass. GIRL, I am so tired! 😭
It's time to take a break...
On February 1st, I will be taking a break from social media for a month.
The good news?
I'm finally working on scripts again! I've missed writing.
The bad news?
Therapy is WHOOPING my ass. GIRL, I am so tired! 😭
It's time to take a break...
It is 2026.
If you're still using the wrong "your" in a sentence, I CANNOT HELP YOU!
If you're still using the wrong "your" in a sentence, I CANNOT HELP YOU!
January 22, 2026 at 4:10 PM
It is 2026.
If you're still using the wrong "your" in a sentence, I CANNOT HELP YOU!
If you're still using the wrong "your" in a sentence, I CANNOT HELP YOU!
The dumb leading the dumb...
January 21, 2026 at 8:21 PM
The dumb leading the dumb...
It's BRICK outside!
Got me looking like Bernie Sanders indoors...
Got me looking like Bernie Sanders indoors...
January 20, 2026 at 2:16 PM
It's BRICK outside!
Got me looking like Bernie Sanders indoors...
Got me looking like Bernie Sanders indoors...
Fuck! It's cold...
Stupid AI data centers sucking up all the heat and hot water.
Stupid AI data centers sucking up all the heat and hot water.
January 20, 2026 at 2:12 PM
Fuck! It's cold...
Stupid AI data centers sucking up all the heat and hot water.
Stupid AI data centers sucking up all the heat and hot water.
I'm having a hard time getting out of bed.
Quick! Can someone please hook some cheese onto a fishing pole and trick me?
It'll work. I promise...
Quick! Can someone please hook some cheese onto a fishing pole and trick me?
It'll work. I promise...
January 20, 2026 at 1:34 PM
I'm having a hard time getting out of bed.
Quick! Can someone please hook some cheese onto a fishing pole and trick me?
It'll work. I promise...
Quick! Can someone please hook some cheese onto a fishing pole and trick me?
It'll work. I promise...
It's better to give than it is to receive...
Goodnight, my degenerates! 💕
Goodnight, my degenerates! 💕
January 20, 2026 at 1:54 AM
It's better to give than it is to receive...
Goodnight, my degenerates! 💕
Goodnight, my degenerates! 💕
I never thought I'd say this, but...
I really have grown up a lot these last few years.
Yea...
*Bong rip*
WOO!!!
I really have grown up a lot these last few years.
Yea...
*Bong rip*
WOO!!!
January 20, 2026 at 12:21 AM
I never thought I'd say this, but...
I really have grown up a lot these last few years.
Yea...
*Bong rip*
WOO!!!
I really have grown up a lot these last few years.
Yea...
*Bong rip*
WOO!!!
I learned a lot today. I learned to process grief in a healthy manner. Grief is a natural part of life. I can comprehend that now.
Which is something I was NOT doing on Twitter... 🤣
Which is something I was NOT doing on Twitter... 🤣
January 20, 2026 at 12:17 AM
I learned a lot today. I learned to process grief in a healthy manner. Grief is a natural part of life. I can comprehend that now.
Which is something I was NOT doing on Twitter... 🤣
Which is something I was NOT doing on Twitter... 🤣
Today, I did two things.
1) I went to the doctors. Got a couple of serious examinations done. Turns out, I'M FINE! I was freaking out for literally no reason.
2) I mourned two Black men who are important to me. MLK and Roy. A dear family friend.
Sometimes, you have to give a bit more...
1) I went to the doctors. Got a couple of serious examinations done. Turns out, I'M FINE! I was freaking out for literally no reason.
2) I mourned two Black men who are important to me. MLK and Roy. A dear family friend.
Sometimes, you have to give a bit more...
January 20, 2026 at 12:16 AM
Today, I did two things.
1) I went to the doctors. Got a couple of serious examinations done. Turns out, I'M FINE! I was freaking out for literally no reason.
2) I mourned two Black men who are important to me. MLK and Roy. A dear family friend.
Sometimes, you have to give a bit more...
1) I went to the doctors. Got a couple of serious examinations done. Turns out, I'M FINE! I was freaking out for literally no reason.
2) I mourned two Black men who are important to me. MLK and Roy. A dear family friend.
Sometimes, you have to give a bit more...
"Only the most feeble of men take jobs in the Government..."
-Dutch Var Der Linde
-Dutch Var Der Linde
January 19, 2026 at 11:13 PM
"Only the most feeble of men take jobs in the Government..."
-Dutch Var Der Linde
-Dutch Var Der Linde
"Whole government themselves ain't nothing more than a bunch of crooks!"
-Red Dead Redemption 1
-Red Dead Redemption 1
January 19, 2026 at 10:23 PM
"Whole government themselves ain't nothing more than a bunch of crooks!"
-Red Dead Redemption 1
-Red Dead Redemption 1
"HBD, Roy. We love and miss you. Chris + Kaye"
Heroes get remembered.
But legends never die...
Heroes get remembered.
But legends never die...
January 19, 2026 at 5:43 PM
"HBD, Roy. We love and miss you. Chris + Kaye"
Heroes get remembered.
But legends never die...
Heroes get remembered.
But legends never die...
Don't ask your Black friends a damn thing today.
We resting...
We resting...
January 19, 2026 at 4:19 PM
Don't ask your Black friends a damn thing today.
We resting...
We resting...
"When I'm gone, they'll just find another monster. They have to. Because they have to justify their wages..."
-Dutch Van Der Linde
-Dutch Van Der Linde
January 19, 2026 at 2:25 AM
"When I'm gone, they'll just find another monster. They have to. Because they have to justify their wages..."
-Dutch Van Der Linde
-Dutch Van Der Linde
I was raised by women.
My idols are women...
My idols are women...
January 18, 2026 at 4:01 PM
I was raised by women.
My idols are women...
My idols are women...
2016 holds a lot of great memories for me.
I can't recall them right now. The drugs back then were really, REALLY good...
I can't recall them right now. The drugs back then were really, REALLY good...
January 18, 2026 at 2:20 PM
2016 holds a lot of great memories for me.
I can't recall them right now. The drugs back then were really, REALLY good...
I can't recall them right now. The drugs back then were really, REALLY good...
Me: "Ugh! I need to feel something- Bestie, can you tell me something that'll piss me off?!"
Bestie: "I hit Pokemon master last night!"
Me: "YUP! That'll do it!"
*Slams cellphone repeatedly*
Bestie: "I hit Pokemon master last night!"
Me: "YUP! That'll do it!"
*Slams cellphone repeatedly*
January 16, 2026 at 1:34 AM
Me: "Ugh! I need to feel something- Bestie, can you tell me something that'll piss me off?!"
Bestie: "I hit Pokemon master last night!"
Me: "YUP! That'll do it!"
*Slams cellphone repeatedly*
Bestie: "I hit Pokemon master last night!"
Me: "YUP! That'll do it!"
*Slams cellphone repeatedly*
Can't talk. Obsessed with Pokemon...
January 15, 2026 at 3:59 PM
Can't talk. Obsessed with Pokemon...
My best friend made it to Pokemon master last night.
I want my friggin' Gym Badges...
I want my friggin' Gym Badges...
a close up of a cartoon character holding a flower shaped ring
ALT: a close up of a cartoon character holding a flower shaped ring
media.tenor.com
January 14, 2026 at 12:21 PM
My best friend made it to Pokemon master last night.
I want my friggin' Gym Badges...
I want my friggin' Gym Badges...
Must. Play. Pokemon TCG Pocket.
Must. Defeat. My. Bestie...
Must. Defeat. My. Bestie...
a cartoon of a dragon with a blue wing
ALT: a cartoon of a dragon with a blue wing
media.tenor.com
January 14, 2026 at 11:31 AM
Must. Play. Pokemon TCG Pocket.
Must. Defeat. My. Bestie...
Must. Defeat. My. Bestie...