Chris Patterson
@chriswritesplays.bsky.social
Playwright and Screenwriter. Semi-retired Actor. Satirist. Harlem, NYC
Business inquiries through Email. DM's open.
Business inquiries through Email. DM's open.
Pinned
"Writing is not a real job!"
Me: "You like reading books though?"
"Yes, That is correct."
Me: "Ok, Follow up question... Are you (bleeping) with us?"
#PeaceAndQuiet2026
Me: "You like reading books though?"
"Yes, That is correct."
Me: "Ok, Follow up question... Are you (bleeping) with us?"
#PeaceAndQuiet2026
I got the greatest Christmas gift today.
Today, I finally figured out what my purpose is...
Today, I finally figured out what my purpose is...
December 25, 2025 at 11:26 AM
I got the greatest Christmas gift today.
Today, I finally figured out what my purpose is...
Today, I finally figured out what my purpose is...
"Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room. There's a fucking TIGER in the bathroom!"
"It's not our baby..."
#TheHangover
"It's not our baby..."
#TheHangover
December 25, 2025 at 9:08 AM
"Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room. There's a fucking TIGER in the bathroom!"
"It's not our baby..."
#TheHangover
"It's not our baby..."
#TheHangover
"KEVIN! YOU SPENT 967 DOLLARS ON ROOM SERVICE?!"
Me: "Run, Kevin! Run!"
Merry Christmas, Everyone!
Me: "Run, Kevin! Run!"
Merry Christmas, Everyone!
December 25, 2025 at 6:47 AM
"KEVIN! YOU SPENT 967 DOLLARS ON ROOM SERVICE?!"
Me: "Run, Kevin! Run!"
Merry Christmas, Everyone!
Me: "Run, Kevin! Run!"
Merry Christmas, Everyone!
Merry Christmas, Everybody!
December 24, 2025 at 7:32 PM
Merry Christmas, Everybody!
I AM SO EXCITED FOR A PEAKY BLINDERS MOVIE! ERMAGAWD!
a little girl is laughing with her fist in the air while wearing a vest and tie .
ALT: a little girl is laughing with her fist in the air while wearing a vest and tie .
media.tenor.com
December 24, 2025 at 7:01 PM
I AM SO EXCITED FOR A PEAKY BLINDERS MOVIE! ERMAGAWD!
BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY BLINDERS!
December 24, 2025 at 6:58 PM
BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY BLINDERS!
I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS MOVIE!!!!
Peaky Blinders: The Immortal Man | Official Teaser | Netflix
YouTube video by Netflix
youtu.be
December 24, 2025 at 6:36 PM
I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS MOVIE!!!!
"Are you watching this shit?" 🤣
American Dad! Season's Beatings Uncensored
YouTube video by Drerod89
youtu.be
December 24, 2025 at 4:01 PM
"Are you watching this shit?" 🤣
"George, Festivus is your heritage. It's a part of who you are."
"That's why I hate it..."
"That's why I hate it..."
a group of men are sitting at a table in a diner
ALT: a group of men are sitting at a table in a diner
media.tenor.com
December 24, 2025 at 2:43 PM
"George, Festivus is your heritage. It's a part of who you are."
"That's why I hate it..."
"That's why I hate it..."
Hi-
IT'S MY BIRTHDAAAAAAAY!!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAAAAAAAY!!!
a woman with long black nails is holding a ruler in her hand
ALT: a woman with long black nails is holding a ruler in her hand
media.tenor.com
December 21, 2025 at 5:44 PM
Hi-
IT'S MY BIRTHDAAAAAAAY!!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAAAAAAAY!!!
Me: "Why the hell is everyone posting black squares again? Are we pretending to care about Black people on Instagram-"
*Reads the news*
Me: "Oh, No! Anyway, My birthday is tomorrow."
*Reads the news*
Me: "Oh, No! Anyway, My birthday is tomorrow."
December 20, 2025 at 5:22 PM
Me: "Why the hell is everyone posting black squares again? Are we pretending to care about Black people on Instagram-"
*Reads the news*
Me: "Oh, No! Anyway, My birthday is tomorrow."
*Reads the news*
Me: "Oh, No! Anyway, My birthday is tomorrow."
Shhhhhhhh...
It's my last 24 hours of being 33.
Don't ruin this for me.
It's my last 24 hours of being 33.
Don't ruin this for me.
December 20, 2025 at 3:10 PM
Shhhhhhhh...
It's my last 24 hours of being 33.
Don't ruin this for me.
It's my last 24 hours of being 33.
Don't ruin this for me.
*Sniffles*
Sorry, I'm watching John Cena retire.
I was ten years old when I first saw that man enter the ring...
*Cries profusely*
Sorry, I'm watching John Cena retire.
I was ten years old when I first saw that man enter the ring...
*Cries profusely*
December 17, 2025 at 11:05 AM
*Sniffles*
Sorry, I'm watching John Cena retire.
I was ten years old when I first saw that man enter the ring...
*Cries profusely*
Sorry, I'm watching John Cena retire.
I was ten years old when I first saw that man enter the ring...
*Cries profusely*
I used to think that Amy Schumer was the worst Schumer.
Boy, was I wrong...
Boy, was I wrong...
December 17, 2025 at 10:44 AM
I used to think that Amy Schumer was the worst Schumer.
Boy, was I wrong...
Boy, was I wrong...
Samuel L Jackson: "I have HAD IT! WITH THESE MF SNAKES! ON THIS MF PLANE!"
Me: "ME TOO! I BLAME SPIRIT AIRLINES!"
See? I told you. 🤣
Me: "ME TOO! I BLAME SPIRIT AIRLINES!"
See? I told you. 🤣
December 17, 2025 at 10:02 AM
Samuel L Jackson: "I have HAD IT! WITH THESE MF SNAKES! ON THIS MF PLANE!"
Me: "ME TOO! I BLAME SPIRIT AIRLINES!"
See? I told you. 🤣
Me: "ME TOO! I BLAME SPIRIT AIRLINES!"
See? I told you. 🤣
Fun fact: I share a birthday with Samuel L. Jackson.
That's why I'm always yelling... 🤣
That's why I'm always yelling... 🤣
December 17, 2025 at 10:00 AM
Fun fact: I share a birthday with Samuel L. Jackson.
That's why I'm always yelling... 🤣
That's why I'm always yelling... 🤣
Today, we watch "The Wolf of Wall Street" and sleep in our pajamas...
December 16, 2025 at 1:24 PM
Today, we watch "The Wolf of Wall Street" and sleep in our pajamas...
"Alright! Get the fuck off my boat!"
-Wolf of Wall Street
-Wolf of Wall Street
December 16, 2025 at 12:01 PM
"Alright! Get the fuck off my boat!"
-Wolf of Wall Street
-Wolf of Wall Street
Me: "Oh! You created a picture with AI. What a Greek tragedy! Honey, Oh my GAWD! You probably could've made that art. With your hands! What a fucking burden!"
December 16, 2025 at 10:25 AM
Me: "Oh! You created a picture with AI. What a Greek tragedy! Honey, Oh my GAWD! You probably could've made that art. With your hands! What a fucking burden!"
Keep your musty, rusty, crusty, stinky, rinky, dinky, FILTHY AI away from me.
I only speak to people who actually create art with their bare hands!
I only speak to people who actually create art with their bare hands!
December 16, 2025 at 10:23 AM
Keep your musty, rusty, crusty, stinky, rinky, dinky, FILTHY AI away from me.
I only speak to people who actually create art with their bare hands!
I only speak to people who actually create art with their bare hands!
If I ask a question and someone immediately uses Chatgbt to find the answer?
We fighting. Deadass...
We fighting. Deadass...
December 16, 2025 at 9:50 AM
If I ask a question and someone immediately uses Chatgbt to find the answer?
We fighting. Deadass...
We fighting. Deadass...
Therapist: "What are you going to do when you leave?"
Me: "I'm gonna smoke pot with my best friends and watch the game."
*Hour later, Bong rip*
Me: "WOOO!!!"
Me: "I'm gonna smoke pot with my best friends and watch the game."
*Hour later, Bong rip*
Me: "WOOO!!!"
December 16, 2025 at 8:26 AM
Therapist: "What are you going to do when you leave?"
Me: "I'm gonna smoke pot with my best friends and watch the game."
*Hour later, Bong rip*
Me: "WOOO!!!"
Me: "I'm gonna smoke pot with my best friends and watch the game."
*Hour later, Bong rip*
Me: "WOOO!!!"
My therapist is getting a handful of information today...
a woman is sitting in front of a vase of pink flowers and the word ugh is written on the screen .
ALT: a woman is sitting in front of a vase of pink flowers and the word ugh is written on the screen .
media.tenor.com
December 15, 2025 at 5:16 PM
My therapist is getting a handful of information today...
Jokes aside!
RIP Rob Reiner.
He was a stable support system in this household. I grew up watching "All In The Family" because of my mom.
RIP, Meathead...
RIP Rob Reiner.
He was a stable support system in this household. I grew up watching "All In The Family" because of my mom.
RIP, Meathead...
December 15, 2025 at 4:41 PM
Jokes aside!
RIP Rob Reiner.
He was a stable support system in this household. I grew up watching "All In The Family" because of my mom.
RIP, Meathead...
RIP Rob Reiner.
He was a stable support system in this household. I grew up watching "All In The Family" because of my mom.
RIP, Meathead...
RIP Rob Reiner.
"And if it gives me cancer, when I'm 80, I don't care. Who the hell wants to be 90 anywayyyy?"
"And if it gives me cancer, when I'm 80, I don't care. Who the hell wants to be 90 anywayyyy?"
South Park - Rob Reiner vs. Smoking (Part 2/3)
YouTube video by George W. Bush
youtu.be
December 15, 2025 at 4:24 PM
RIP Rob Reiner.
"And if it gives me cancer, when I'm 80, I don't care. Who the hell wants to be 90 anywayyyy?"
"And if it gives me cancer, when I'm 80, I don't care. Who the hell wants to be 90 anywayyyy?"