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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢

@kalansphantomff.bsky.social

660 followers 290 following 7.5K posts

Pfp by Inkirtis. Banner by SailorsRuin A little insane, a little chaotic, the horny half of Hingeless and Horny. 3 Million words and counting of gay pirates on A03 https://archiveofourown.org/users/KalansPhantom/works

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · Oct 21

archiveofourown.org/users/Kalans...

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 3h

Scratch that, Tarte Tatin may be 100% done. Seeking a second opinion before I confirm it. 👀

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 3h

Make ya'll put together a work excuse note: "KP cannot come to work today because she needs to write enough smut to cause a run on lube and batteries"

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 3h

Accomplished today:

100% Acts of Contrition (Mass on Sunday, children)
90% Hard Disciplines
50% of my Big Bang
80% Tarte Tatin

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Reposted by KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢

something @ourfag.bsky.social · Jul 25

anyway what i meant to say is

Digital drawing of Slede (slime Stede) half-engulfing Ed from behind—he's formed a slenis (slime penis) over Ed's t-dick, and Ed's jerking it off. There are ripples inside indicating that the slime is transferring the sensations from Ed's hand down through itself to the base. "Well?" Stede says. "Holy fuck," Ed says. "Everything it's cracked up to be?" Stede says, even though the expression on his face is insufferably gleeful like he knows full well Ed is finding it everything it's cracked up to be.

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 9h

*SIGH* Mr. Boombastic, I don't know why, it won't get out of my head. It just lives there now.

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 12h

I declare today and tomorrow a state of No Pants.

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 12h

When your work pisses you off so you decide to take a couple of mental health days writing smut. On the docket for today:

Hard Disciplines
Big Bang
Tarte Tatin

Also realized I've spent the last 10 months working an average of 50-70 hours per week. Ugh.

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 13h

Wow 2025, this is apparently who I am today XD Don't even know what year it is.

KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 13h

And that's a wrap on foster kittens 2026 as the cheese litter is off to the adoption center. Total fosters this season 28 kittens, three moms. Time to break down and deep clean the foster room to set it back up as the guest room. And then time to take a rest!

a calico cat laying on a pink blanket

ALT: a calico cat laying on a pink blanket

media.tenor.com

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 1d

All*

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 1d

Nope, forbidden. Granted its forbidden to call Catholics because "masturbation is a dualistic, self-indulgent activity that uses the body as a means of personal gratification, instead of integrating one’s gift of sexuality—one’s powers of love and life—into a sincere self-gift to another."

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 1d

Today I had to look up the rules about priests and masturbation. My google history is going places that I think need to be revaluated. Thank you fic writing!

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

My record is 31k in a single day. Thank you uncontrolled ADHD!

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

Yes, this sums up my day.

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

Time to rest my hands. Managed to write over 20K words today between Acts and Tarte. It was nearly all smut too. So much smut. Dicks WENT places.

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

Jesus... so my wife likes eating babybel cheese at room temperature rather than cold, so sometimes she just tucks them in her bra because she is a chaotic gremlin.

Then I got this text. PEOPLE I MARRIED THIS WOMAN. 🤣🤣

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

Next chapter there will be so much sex. So. Much. Sex.

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

Happy Sexual Sunday, a little snippy from Tarte Tatin. Stede is behaving very rationally, you see.

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

The amount of time I just THOUGHT about them every day was honestly concerning that October. All day every day, just rewatching and THINKING.

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

I went about 9 months going "Oh, just another hyperfixation, this will pass" before I just accepted THIS IS WHO I AM NOW!

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

It was for the best XD

KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

Pick your sexual sunday: Tarte Tatin or Acts of Contrition

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

Okay, listen, dear fandom Artists, I'm just saying that the boys would look REALLY good in these outfits and I'm not being biased at ALL. Nope, not even a little.

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KalansPhantom 🍐🏴‍☠️🔞 🪢 @kalansphantomff.bsky.social · 2d

Introduce yourself with one food you refuse to eat, a movie you’ll never won’t watch again, and a song you can’t stand

Food: Rhubarb
Movie: 50 Shades of Grey
Song: The Snake - Al Wilson

Dr Xtina 🍑 gave you all 1 million fucks @drcfxtina.bsky.social · 2d

Introduce yourself with one food you refuse to eat, a movie you’ll never won’t watch again, and a song you can’t stand

Food: Fish
Movie: Avatar
Song: Blurred Lines

Ed Zeppelin 🏴‍☠️male buttcheek connoisseur🏳️‍⚧️🇵🇸🏴‍☠️ @ourartmeanszepp.bsky.social · 2d

Introduce yourself with one food you refuse to eat, a movie you’ll never won’t watch again, and a song you can’t stand

Food: Tuna
Movie: Dan in Real Life
Song: Cheerleader