Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 9h

"My sympathies. I am sorry your sister had such a terrible experience. But she admits she’d invited him into her apartment before this, right?"

I Am Just Trying to Have a Civil Online Conversation About Vampires

Whoa there! That’s a pretty extreme claim. Surely you don’t mean to call ALL vampires “blood-sucking ghouls?” Have you ever donated to a blood bank...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 10h

We LOVED Diane Keaton. RIP.

I Am Diane Keaton’s Crisp White Shirt

I am perfect in shape and form. I am immaculate, woven by gods from fibers of cotton and Nancy Meyers’ discarded screenplays. Sent from above to si...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 10h

"Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of 'Diff’rent Strokes.'"

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

First published on October 9, 2009, this classic by Colin Nissan is our most-read article of all time. We’re celebrating the 16th anniversary of th...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 15h

"The cocktail menu looks pretty spectacular too. Lots of drinks with artisanal ice cubes, questionably sourced rim accoutrement, and six-to-twelve ingredients never before seen in libations, all served in kitschy glassware shaped like 'mini bird baths.'"

The World Is Burning, But Want to Meet Up for Thirty-Four-Dollar Cocktails?

Want to get drinks next week? I know everything’s kind of crazy right now, so no pressure. There’s a cool new bar I read about—fine, saw a TikTok f...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 17h

QUEEN GERTRUDE
(places her hand on HALL’s chest)

Stay, you lion-maned pair, tell me
Of your distant City of Brotherly Love,
That we may, as they say, get to know
The heft and measure of each other’s thoughts.

HALL
I can’t go for that.

OATES
No can do.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and Hall and Oates

ACT II, SCENE II Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, HALL, OATES, and Attendants. KING CLAUDIUS Welcome, gentlemen; our...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 18h

"Where are your public toilets? I have come to make their lines so long you will never be able to pee again. This might be the way you die, like a cartoon character, the whites of your eyes filling from the bottom with yellow."

I Am the Overtourist and I’m Here to Marry Your Town

I am the Overtourist. I’m here to overtour your picturesque town or world-class city. Shooting water pistols at me only hydrates and emboldens me. ...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 20h

"Can you be certain about the pumpkin’s gender? You see that the cartoon pumpkin has a prominent Adam’s apple. Good sign. Even better, the pumpkin is punching an effeminate black cat. There’s no ambiguity that this drink is for men."

Pumpkin Spice: Now For Men

You’re a man. You’re into man stuff, like weed wackers, sports that cause brain damage, and getting hired by your dad’s golf friends. But it’s autu...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 20h

"What’s that sound? All I hear is the sound of you not eating a bucket of eggs. That eggless silence is the worst sound in the world."

You Don’t Eat Enough Protein and It Sickens Me

Do you eat enough protein in a day? Don’t even bother answering, because I know the answer is no. But don’t worry, I’m kind of a protein guy. I can...

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The Nicest of the Damned @tyrannosaurus-ritt.bsky.social · 1d

This one got me good

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

“I’m surprised you don’t know this, since you’re a doctor,” I said, “But NOT letting your monkeys jump on the bed actually has far worse consequences. I saw a twenty-seven-part TikTok about it."

I’m a MAHA Mom, and Here’s Why I Won’t Stop My Monkeys from Jumping on the Bed—No Matter What the Doctor Says

I’m a proud mother of five who is obsessed with keeping her monkeys healthy. Some people think it’s crazy how much time I spend making sure everyth...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 21h

Trump Tower:

UPRIGHT: Nope!
REVERSED: Yep, still bad!

Tarot Readings for Life in the Big, Soul-Crushing City

Life in the big city can be many things. But mostly it is hard, expensive, and exhausting. Occasionally, it can smell like poop. Above all, it is c...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 21h

MYTH: The President “brandished” an assault rifle.

FACT: Semi-automatic rifles like the Colt AR-15 are not assault rifles; they do not have burst or fully automatic firing capabilities.

GOP Talking Points for President Trump’s Fifth Avenue Massacre

Press reports have given currency to flat-out falsehoods about the Executive Action. MYTH: The President “brandished” an assault rifle. FACT: Semi...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 22h

FREDDIE: I got Geese.

EDDIE: Goose?

FREDDIE: No, Geese.

EDDIE: More than one?

FREDDIE: It’s just the one. Geese.

EDDIE: I’m saying. Geese is more than Goose.

FREDDIE: I’m glad you think so. I tried for Goose, too, but no luck.

Freddie and Eddie, the Nation’s Leading Temu Abbott and Costello, in “Dat Bird!”

“Goose is a jam band. Geese is indie rock. They both have new albums. They’re also both on tour. Confused? We can help.” — New York Times - - -FRED...

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Geri Reid @gerireid.com · 1d

This remains one of my all time favourite pieces of writing.

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 19d

IT IS TIME.

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

First published on October 9, 2009, this classic by Colin Nissan is our most-read article of all time. We’re celebrating the 16th anniversary of th...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 22h

"A giant military parade is just a fun, wholesome way to celebrate the birthday of America’s commander in chief. Claim otherwise, and we’ll be forced to send the National Guard to your city until you wise up."

We Are Not Fascists, and If You Call Us Fascists, We Will Arrest You

President Trump had another successful week of what is already the greatest presidency of all time, and yet, the woke leftist mob continues to deli...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"I’m getting chills, and they’re multiplying just thinking about those jaws hitting the floor when they see I look exactly the same, going, 'Like for real, man, this is freaking me out, what the hell is going on with you?'"

Danny Zuko’s Internal Monologue as He Heads to Rydell High’s Thirtieth Reunion

Jacket? Check. Wallet? Check. Keys? Well, obviously, you’re driving, you big gavone. Okay, Danny, this is gonna be your night. They’re gonna be sho...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

“I’m surprised you don’t know this, since you’re a doctor,” I said, “But NOT letting your monkeys jump on the bed actually has far worse consequences. I saw a twenty-seven-part TikTok about it."

I’m a MAHA Mom, and Here’s Why I Won’t Stop My Monkeys from Jumping on the Bed—No Matter What the Doctor Says

I’m a proud mother of five who is obsessed with keeping her monkeys healthy. Some people think it’s crazy how much time I spend making sure everyth...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"First of all, let me quickly say to all the non-Dartmouth Admissions officers: I liked your schools fine, and this has no bearing on you. Just understand, I have decided to use this platform to tell Dartmouth how all-in I am on them."

My Common App Essay: “Every School Reading This Except Dartmouth Sucks Ass”

PROMPT: Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What prompted your thinking? What was the outcome? The summer after f...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"Make nothing but crockpot recipes. Confer with the crockpot. Trust the crockpot. Fill your crockpot with secrets. Go on a weekend jaunt with your crockpot. Introduce your crockpot to family and friends. Abscond with the crockpot because it’s the only thing that understands you."

Fall DIY Projects That Help Numb the Pain of Existence

Crochet a drink warmer for your pumpkin spice latte because even inanimate objects deserve the attention to detail you so desperately crave and sel...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

More Viking lore (targeted specifically for Bostonians) from the great Rowdy Geirsson.

A Short History of the Varangian Guard for Bostonians

Art by Matt Smith - - -Now, evuhryone knows that the Vikings were some sehriously hahdco’ah fuckin’ fightahs. ’Cept most’ah ’em actually didn’t go...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"Mambo No. 5" – Lou Bega: "Polygamous Dance Catalog in F Major for German-Cuban Vocalist. Homage to Monica, Erica, Rita, Sandra, Tina, Mary, Jessica, et al."

If Pop Songs Had Classical Music Titles

“Friday” – Rebecca Black “Temporal Awareness Cantata in G Major for Adolescent Voice and Auto-Tuned Choir (‘Hebdomadal Celebration’)” “Mambo No. 5...

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Dave Mandl @dmandl.bsky.social · 1d

McSweeney's doing the Lord's work here.

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 2d

We're close to completing our list for September. Look for it on our site next week. If you need a refresher, or, you know, lean toward masochism, here are all 416 atrocities committed by the Trump administration since the reality TV star/steak salesman/convicted felon took office.

Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 5d

"You tightened my straps, spun me around, and pulled at the clasp to make sure the bra fit just right. You handled me like I was a heifer at a livestock auction. I looked down at my udders. I didn’t know they made bras that big. But they did, they made them for me."

An Open Letter to the Bra Store Clerk Who Gave My Enormous Breasts an Embarrassing Nickname When I Was Coming of Age

To the woman at the bra store who clocked me as a “Gerry” in reference to my G-cup breasts when I was coming of age, I’m certain you haven’t spared...

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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 2d

Such a fun one to write and continually, shamelessly self-promote all week long.

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 2d

STORY: ORANGE MAN LIE AGAIN

OLD WAY: “CRITICS SAY STATEMENT MAY BE MISLEADING.”

ANIMAL WAY: HIT KICK DRUM, YELL “LIE!” HIT TAMBOURINE, WHISPER “but other side lie too” IN SOFTEST MIKE JOHNSON VOICE.

“AAAGGGHHH!!!” A Memo from Animal, Your New Editor-in-Chief

“[Editor-in-chief of CBS News] Bari Weiss told network staffers in a morning editorial call that she wants to ‘win’ before delivering a rallying cr...

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Melonie @quioui.bsky.social · 3d

"Actually, too much direct sunlight will kill anyone. Ask a dermatologist."

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 6d

"I am not pro-vampire and I am not anti-vampire. I am just trying to have an objective discussion here without using loaded words like 'kill.'"

I Am Just Trying to Have a Civil Online Conversation About Vampires

Whoa there! That’s a pretty extreme claim. Surely you don’t mean to call ALL vampires “blood-sucking ghouls?” Have you ever donated to a blood bank...

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Matt Zoller Seitz @mattzollerseitz.bsky.social · 3d

Brilliant

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 4d

"Tilly Norwood’s portrayal of Anna, a curator entangled in romantic disarray, leans more toward irritating than sympathetic. Meanwhile, Oliver Pepitone’s Mack, a fumbling security guard, is reduced to a flat archetype with little narrative substance."

AI-Generated Reviews of AI-Generated Actor’s Tilly Norwood’s AI-Generated Movies

“An ‘AI actor’ named Tilly Norwood has been causing a stir after its Dutch creators said the synthetic performer is in talks with talent agencies.”...

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