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"Here’s how this is gonna go: First, you will step up to the rental counter only when I give you The Look. The Look is not markedly different from my resting face. In fact, it’s no different at all. But it’s your job to recognize The Look, so pay attention."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...
I’m in Charge at This Hertz Location, and Buddy, You’re Not Getting a Car Today
Here’s how this is gonna go: First, you will step up to the rental counter only when I give you The Look. The Look is not markedly different from m...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 25, 2025 at 4:23 PM
"Here’s how this is gonna go: First, you will step up to the rental counter only when I give you The Look. The Look is not markedly different from my resting face. In fact, it’s no different at all. But it’s your job to recognize The Look, so pay attention."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...
Reposted by McSweeney's
This @mcsweeneys.net piece is 10/10 no notes www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wit...
With America on My Last Fucking Nerve, I, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, Dissent
You know me as the first Black woman to serve on the Supreme Court. Over the past three years, I’ve tried changing the system from within. I’ve wri...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 21, 2025 at 11:08 PM
This @mcsweeneys.net piece is 10/10 no notes www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wit...
Reposted by McSweeney's
I will always treasure this essay by my friend Kirsten Giebutowski, "Things I Have Written in Cover Letters," up at @mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/thi...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/thi...
Things I Have Written in Cover Letters
I am intrigued, variously
“Though I have not taught online before, I find the prospect of online teaching intriguing.”
“I now seek work within an e...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 22, 2025 at 2:55 PM
I will always treasure this essay by my friend Kirsten Giebutowski, "Things I Have Written in Cover Letters," up at @mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/thi...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/thi...
"Pretending to see land and then explaining that thou has not in fact spotted shore, but rather thou hast seen 'Thy mom afloat, so huge as to appear to be a land mass.'"
Jokes That Everyone on the Mayflower Is Getting Sick Of
This document was found in the records of Puritan William Bradford, sometimes referred to as “America’s First Traveler Blogger.” - - -IN THE NAME ...
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November 25, 2025 at 2:30 PM
"Pretending to see land and then explaining that thou has not in fact spotted shore, but rather thou hast seen 'Thy mom afloat, so huge as to appear to be a land mass.'"
"You’ve been obsessively trying to prepare for it, but who knows what will actually happen."
Thanksgiving or Perimenopause?
1. There’s a turkey neck situation. 2. Is it four thousand degrees in the kitchen, or is it just you? 3. You love your family, but you also wish th...
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November 25, 2025 at 2:04 PM
"You’ve been obsessively trying to prepare for it, but who knows what will actually happen."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"You look at me, sir, and you see yourself. Don’t deny it. You like the big ones, the beautiful ones, the winners. I’m the biggest bird on this side of the fence. No lean, sad bird here. I am the great American body, full of corn and consequence."
A Syncophantic Turkey Implores President Trump to Eat Him
I’ve been bred fine, Mr. President. Finer than the rest. When the light comes up over the pens, it strikes my feathers like a torch, and I know it ...
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November 24, 2025 at 4:25 PM
"You look at me, sir, and you see yourself. Don’t deny it. You like the big ones, the beautiful ones, the winners. I’m the biggest bird on this side of the fence. No lean, sad bird here. I am the great American body, full of corn and consequence."
"Most people see me as a tyrant, but that’s not true. I believe in justice. I believe in right and wrong. I believe I can juggle my multiple responsibilities as I frantically try to keep up with a card cataloging system that does NOT make sense at all."
I Am the Judge, Jury, and Executioner (Due to Recent Budget Cuts)
Who dares enter my domain!? Don’t you know who I am? You think a lowly peon such as yourself is worthy of my precious time? Because, jeez Louise, I...
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November 25, 2025 at 1:30 PM
"Most people see me as a tyrant, but that’s not true. I believe in justice. I believe in right and wrong. I believe I can juggle my multiple responsibilities as I frantically try to keep up with a card cataloging system that does NOT make sense at all."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Think of everything you like about chicken: its moistness, its versatility, its ability to absorb the flavors of whatever is cooked adjacent to it. Now try to imagine a food that’s similar to chicken, except without any of those good qualities."
How to Give Thanks by Cooking Food No One Knows How to Cook and Eating Food No One Likes to Eat
To remind everyone how grateful we should be for all the readily available, appealing food that is easy to prepare and that everyone enjoys eating,...
buff.ly
November 24, 2025 at 6:20 PM
"Think of everything you like about chicken: its moistness, its versatility, its ability to absorb the flavors of whatever is cooked adjacent to it. Now try to imagine a food that’s similar to chicken, except without any of those good qualities."
🎶 Over the river and through the woods
I’m looking around for food
Everything sucks and costs twenty bucks,
Guess I’ll just slam some booze. 🎶
I’m looking around for food
Everything sucks and costs twenty bucks,
Guess I’ll just slam some booze. 🎶
To Grandmother’s House We Go
Over the river and through the woods, To Grandmother’s house we go; At the airport on time, which is good cause the lines Are moving super slow. Ov...
buff.ly
November 25, 2025 at 3:00 AM
🎶 Over the river and through the woods
I’m looking around for food
Everything sucks and costs twenty bucks,
Guess I’ll just slam some booze. 🎶
I’m looking around for food
Everything sucks and costs twenty bucks,
Guess I’ll just slam some booze. 🎶
"I feel the flippant use and misuse of 'sorry' gives away my power, if that makes any sense. If you have any free time this week or next, or even in the next couple of weeks, feel free to read the rest of this email to understand further."
I, a Woman, Am Officially Done Saying “I’m Sorry”
Dear colleagues, I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I’m officially done saying sorry. As a woman, I feel the flippant use and misuse ...
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November 25, 2025 at 2:40 AM
"I feel the flippant use and misuse of 'sorry' gives away my power, if that makes any sense. If you have any free time this week or next, or even in the next couple of weeks, feel free to read the rest of this email to understand further."
Reposted by McSweeney's
Happy Thanksgiving! Laugh so you don't cry!
"Good grief. This year feels heavier, doesn’t it? Heavy in the air, in the bare grocery aisles, in the empty pit of our stomachs. Heavy in the way people say, 'It’s okay, we’ll make do.'"
Thanksgiving’s Going to Be a Tough One This Year, Charlie Brown
Making popcorn again, huh, Snoopy? Keep it up. Sounds like pure nostalgia, especially with the way this year’s been going. I bet Linus would’ve cal...
buff.ly
November 24, 2025 at 7:49 PM
Happy Thanksgiving! Laugh so you don't cry!
PILGRIM: We came here on the Mayflower. It has nothing to do with the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria.
INDIAN: We are having a powwow; it is like a meeting.
(PILGRIM takes a bite of food.)
PILGRIM: This is good. What is it?
INDIAN: That is corn. It is also called maize.
INDIAN: We are having a powwow; it is like a meeting.
(PILGRIM takes a bite of food.)
PILGRIM: This is good. What is it?
INDIAN: That is corn. It is also called maize.
How Someone Who Didn’t Pay Much Attention in Class But Learned Just Enough to Pass Exams Imagines the First Thanksgiving
PILGRIM: Happy First Thanksgiving. Thank you for having us to your tepee. INDIAN: How! (The INDIAN holds his hand in the air with his palm facing o...
buff.ly
November 25, 2025 at 2:20 AM
PILGRIM: We came here on the Mayflower. It has nothing to do with the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria.
INDIAN: We are having a powwow; it is like a meeting.
(PILGRIM takes a bite of food.)
PILGRIM: This is good. What is it?
INDIAN: That is corn. It is also called maize.
INDIAN: We are having a powwow; it is like a meeting.
(PILGRIM takes a bite of food.)
PILGRIM: This is good. What is it?
INDIAN: That is corn. It is also called maize.
"The look of this thing grows on you the more you stare at it. Look at it. Sharp, jagged edges. It looks like it’s from the future, but a very specific future that has been ruined by an increasingly out-of-touch billionaire."
Please Buy Tesla’s Cybertruck, Which Is Cool, Not Stupid
You gotta get this Tesla Cybertruck, bro. It’s great. Am I a paid spokesperson? Sort of. I’m a person who paid $8 a month to “spokes” for them. Thi...
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November 25, 2025 at 2:00 AM
"The look of this thing grows on you the more you stare at it. Look at it. Sharp, jagged edges. It looks like it’s from the future, but a very specific future that has been ruined by an increasingly out-of-touch billionaire."
Reposted by McSweeney's
As a parent of a tween this was freaking hilarious
“Your younger sibling is a delight. Let’s make sure they know they’re welcome to join in our camaraderie any time.”
Things My Tween’s Friends Probably Aren’t Saying During Their Sleepover at Our House
“Your parents keep such a clean and tidy house. You’d never know they have kids.” “No thanks, I’ve seen enough YouTube. It’s a little passé at this...
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November 22, 2025 at 2:57 PM
As a parent of a tween this was freaking hilarious
Reposted by McSweeney's
Shout out to everyone getting the call up this year.
"Well, I had a feeling it would happen eventually. I’ve been working hard at family dinners leading up to Thanksgiving, and I’ve just been trying to get better every day so I’d be ready if the opportunity ever presented itself."
Post-Dinner Interview with a Twelve-Year-Old Who Sat at the Grown-Ups’ Table for the First Time on Thanksgiving
REPORTER: I’m here live with Ted moments after completing his first Thanksgiving dinner at the Grown-Ups’ Table. At only 12 years and 209 days, you...
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November 22, 2025 at 4:20 PM
Shout out to everyone getting the call up this year.
Reposted by McSweeney's
HOLY SHIT The new @mcsweeneys.net Quarterly arrived today & they’ve outdone themselves AGAIN!The entire package is absolutely delightful.
It’s the most therapeutic (easily the highest ROI) subscription I’ve ever had. If you’re not getting it you’re missing out!
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/qua...
It’s the most therapeutic (easily the highest ROI) subscription I’ve ever had. If you’re not getting it you’re missing out!
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/qua...
McSweeney's Quarterly Concern Subscription
To subscribe and get our newest decorative gourd mug for just $5 more, click here. Get an additional 15% off when you subscribe alongside a catch-up bundle or our new hat.
“A key barometer of the lit...
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November 22, 2025 at 4:42 PM
HOLY SHIT The new @mcsweeneys.net Quarterly arrived today & they’ve outdone themselves AGAIN!The entire package is absolutely delightful.
It’s the most therapeutic (easily the highest ROI) subscription I’ve ever had. If you’re not getting it you’re missing out!
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/qua...
It’s the most therapeutic (easily the highest ROI) subscription I’ve ever had. If you’re not getting it you’re missing out!
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/qua...
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Penny hardly said a word. She just stood up, took off her credentials, put them down on her desk, and stood."
The Nickel Knows It’s Next
“With the end of the penny, is the clock ticking for the nickel?” — CNN - - -It keeps replaying in my head. It was a normal morning at a normal tim...
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November 21, 2025 at 2:01 PM
"Penny hardly said a word. She just stood up, took off her credentials, put them down on her desk, and stood."
Reposted by McSweeney's
Make sure you tender the meat.
Care for it as you would a child.
Sadness tastes bitter on anxious lips.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/syl...
Care for it as you would a child.
Sadness tastes bitter on anxious lips.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/syl...
Sylvia Plath’s Holiday Cooking Tips
Stuffing You’ll want to use lots of herbs, herbs from the ground— The ground, dirt between my fingers. Dirt—our mortal blanket. Turkey Make sure yo...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 22, 2025 at 9:01 PM
Make sure you tender the meat.
Care for it as you would a child.
Sadness tastes bitter on anxious lips.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/syl...
Care for it as you would a child.
Sadness tastes bitter on anxious lips.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/syl...
Reposted by McSweeney's
Reposted by McSweeney's
"MFA in Being Asked: 'What Do I Say When Students Tell Me the Program is Too White?'" (via @mcsweeneys.net)
What I Actually Got My MFA In
MFA in Being Told to Meditate and Seek Therapy When You Bring Up the Microaggressions You Have Faced to the Associate Director MFA in You Are Pakis...
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November 23, 2025 at 4:00 PM
"MFA in Being Asked: 'What Do I Say When Students Tell Me the Program is Too White?'" (via @mcsweeneys.net)
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Pardoned by George H. W. Bush, 1989. Currently serving a life sentence in Leavenworth Penitentiary. Gobbler was convicted of two counts of second-degree murder, both committed during a botched robbery in 1992."
Pardoned Turkeys: Where Are They Now?
Gobbler Pardoned by George H. W. Bush, 1989. Currently serving a life sentence in Leavenworth Penitentiary. Gobbler was convicted of two counts of ...
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November 23, 2025 at 9:00 PM
"Pardoned by George H. W. Bush, 1989. Currently serving a life sentence in Leavenworth Penitentiary. Gobbler was convicted of two counts of second-degree murder, both committed during a botched robbery in 1992."
Reposted by McSweeney's
Indeed!
"Maybe you need to get your eyes checked. Not every air-filled spherical cavity is a bubble. That happens all the time in nature for all sorts of reasons. In this particular case, it’s because the American economy is 100 percent healthy and has no underlying issues."
The Stock Market Is Not a Bubble, It’s Just a Clear, Hollow Orb That Is Rapidly Expanding
Calm down, Chicken Little. The stock market is not a bubble. Just because it’s a thin sphere of liquid that expands every second of every day doesn...
buff.ly
November 24, 2025 at 1:42 AM
Indeed!
"Good grief. This year feels heavier, doesn’t it? Heavy in the air, in the bare grocery aisles, in the empty pit of our stomachs. Heavy in the way people say, 'It’s okay, we’ll make do.'"
Thanksgiving’s Going to Be a Tough One This Year, Charlie Brown
Making popcorn again, huh, Snoopy? Keep it up. Sounds like pure nostalgia, especially with the way this year’s been going. I bet Linus would’ve cal...
buff.ly
November 24, 2025 at 7:27 PM
"Good grief. This year feels heavier, doesn’t it? Heavy in the air, in the bare grocery aisles, in the empty pit of our stomachs. Heavy in the way people say, 'It’s okay, we’ll make do.'"
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Biting into a dish, knowing that it is not cod and rubbing one’s stomach and saying, 'Hmm, this tastes like cod… yes, very much like cod, indeed!' to remind us all that we have but little else to eat but cod."
Jokes That Everyone on the Mayflower Is Getting Sick Of
This document was found in the records of Puritan William Bradford, sometimes referred to as “America’s First Traveler Blogger.” - - -IN THE NAME ...
buff.ly
November 20, 2025 at 6:25 PM
"Biting into a dish, knowing that it is not cod and rubbing one’s stomach and saying, 'Hmm, this tastes like cod… yes, very much like cod, indeed!' to remind us all that we have but little else to eat but cod."
"Think of everything you like about chicken: its moistness, its versatility, its ability to absorb the flavors of whatever is cooked adjacent to it. Now try to imagine a food that’s similar to chicken, except without any of those good qualities."
How to Give Thanks by Cooking Food No One Knows How to Cook and Eating Food No One Likes to Eat
To remind everyone how grateful we should be for all the readily available, appealing food that is easy to prepare and that everyone enjoys eating,...
buff.ly
November 24, 2025 at 6:20 PM
"Think of everything you like about chicken: its moistness, its versatility, its ability to absorb the flavors of whatever is cooked adjacent to it. Now try to imagine a food that’s similar to chicken, except without any of those good qualities."