McSweeney's
@mcsweeneys.net
The official Bluesky feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books.
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Reposted by McSweeney's
"Mamdani’s opponents swore that the next time a New Yorker was in danger and called the police, none of them would be there to help. But it’s just the opposite: All of them are still here to not help."
"It’s almost as if Mamdani was being mischaracterized as a dangerous extremist by overlapping political and media empires in a campaign to scare New Yorkers away from electing a candidate whose most unorthodox idea was putting their interests above those of the elites."
I Am a Disappointed Zohran Mamdani Voter Who Was Told New York Would Descend into Chaos
Well, they say you should never trust a politician, and it seems I’ve been duped. As an avid reader of the New York Post, the New York Post’s X fee...
buff.ly
January 10, 2026 at 4:06 PM
"Mamdani’s opponents swore that the next time a New Yorker was in danger and called the police, none of them would be there to help. But it’s just the opposite: All of them are still here to not help."
"It is important to us that you feel completely comfortable during your time with Ovul in our house. Please countersign at the end of this document and initial each page to indicate that you agree to feel completely comfortable while you enjoy your time with Ovul."
Jamie and Jeff’s Note to the Babysitter
Dear Fellow Nurturer: Thank you and congratulations for taking care of our daughter, Ovul, while we are gone. The following sets forth some basic i...
buff.ly
January 12, 2026 at 2:30 AM
"It is important to us that you feel completely comfortable during your time with Ovul in our house. Please countersign at the end of this document and initial each page to indicate that you agree to feel completely comfortable while you enjoy your time with Ovul."
Reposted by McSweeney's
😆 beautiful.
"Last week, I watched a flaneur spend his entire afternoon staring at a blank piece of cardboard. When my manager asked what he was doing, the man responded that he was 'Kinda just raw-dogging the Montmartre, waiting for the light to hit.'"
I’m the Owner of This All Day Café in Nineteenth-Century Paris: Can We Stop It with the Fucking Easels?
I opened this café with the best of intentions: to provide a salon par excellence with a focus on good food and live entertainment, a third place t...
buff.ly
January 10, 2026 at 5:44 PM
😆 beautiful.
"This isn’t complicated. A man is a man, a woman is a woman, and if we have any questions, we simply consult the highest governing body of a random sport."
Gender Is Determined by God, Biology, and the Highest Governing Body of Some Random Sport
This isn’t complicated. A man is a man, a woman is a woman, and if we have any questions, we simply consult the highest governing body of a random ...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 9:16 PM
"This isn’t complicated. A man is a man, a woman is a woman, and if we have any questions, we simply consult the highest governing body of a random sport."
Jay-Z’s Limited Problem Set:
Let x = the set including Jay’s total number of possible tribulations (maximum = 100).
GIVEN: One of the set ≠ “a bitch.” How many other potential quandaries might Jay-Z face?
Let x = the set including Jay’s total number of possible tribulations (maximum = 100).
GIVEN: One of the set ≠ “a bitch.” How many other potential quandaries might Jay-Z face?
Pop Song Math Quiz
Answer all questions in the form of a song title. 1. The Rob Base Postulate Given that a number greater than 1(x) is required to make a thing go ri...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 7:35 PM
Jay-Z’s Limited Problem Set:
Let x = the set including Jay’s total number of possible tribulations (maximum = 100).
GIVEN: One of the set ≠ “a bitch.” How many other potential quandaries might Jay-Z face?
Let x = the set including Jay’s total number of possible tribulations (maximum = 100).
GIVEN: One of the set ≠ “a bitch.” How many other potential quandaries might Jay-Z face?
Reposted by McSweeney's
Always appreciate satire that exposes the Trump admin’s hypocrisy, but this is a bit too on the nose. Thanks for the look, but I’m going to pass.
Homan: "We gotta stop the hateful rhetoric. Saying this officer is a murderer is dangerous. It's just ridiculous. It's gonna infuriate people more which means there's gonna be more incidents like this."
January 11, 2026 at 5:14 PM
Always appreciate satire that exposes the Trump admin’s hypocrisy, but this is a bit too on the nose. Thanks for the look, but I’m going to pass.
"It is important to note my mom’s taste in men. My mother once said that if she could marry any celebrity, she would pick Ed Begley Jr. So, please include as many men who look like Ed Begley Jr. as you can find."
Please Consider My Mom, Kathy, for the Next Golden Bachelorette
Kathy is a soon-to-be-retired small animal veterinarian in the greater Des Moines area. She was once reviewed as a top veterinarian for rats on a l...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 5:30 PM
"It is important to note my mom’s taste in men. My mother once said that if she could marry any celebrity, she would pick Ed Begley Jr. So, please include as many men who look like Ed Begley Jr. as you can find."
Reposted by McSweeney's
Oof.
Sadly, more relevant than ever. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...
I’m a German Citizen in 1933, and Is It Just Me or Is It Really Hard to Get Any Work Done Right Now?
Our 25th most-read article of 2025.
- - -Guten tag. I’m just wondering if anybody else can relate to this feeling I’ve been having that I just can...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 10, 2026 at 6:02 PM
Oof.
Reposted by McSweeney's
another excellent mcsweeney’s
"These days, no one asks me about pronouns; they’re too busy searching for potable water. The victor of the Fourth Great Water War has yet to be determined, but what is certain is that we have decisively defeated the DEI scolds."
buff.ly/uQeXWRA
buff.ly/uQeXWRA
One Upside of the Total Collapse of Civilization Is We Don’t Have to Be Woke Anymore
As I gaze upon the ruins of what was once my home city, where I grew up and built a life full of love, laughter, and fond memories, I could feel sa...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 2:31 AM
another excellent mcsweeney’s
"Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any space to 28 degrees Fahrenheit while simultaneously warming it to 114."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
Introducing the First-Ever Smart Thermostat for Perimenopausal People
Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any spac...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 11, 2026 at 4:01 PM
"Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any space to 28 degrees Fahrenheit while simultaneously warming it to 114."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
Reposted by McSweeney's
Brilliant
"You belittle the Pixies? You diss Black Francis? On the way to Massachusetts? On my gal, the bassist Kim Deal, you didn’t have a crush at Smith College in 1992? Were you not even born?"
An Open Letter to the Pair of Gen-Z Men in the Northeast Regional Quiet Car Loudly Discussing Pitchfork’s 100 Best Albums of All Time
Gentlemen, Your opinions on the discography of the last fifty years interests me about as much as you think it does a middle-aged woman traveling c...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 10:16 AM
Brilliant
"Establishing an underground network consisting of retired men taking up tables all morning at Tim Hortons."
Future Canadian Resistance Tactics
“We need to prepare for the possibility that the U.S. uses military coercion against Canada.” — Headline from op-ed in The Globe and Mail. - - -Jam...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 3:30 PM
"Establishing an underground network consisting of retired men taking up tables all morning at Tim Hortons."
"This oil oil serious oil, but also the oil of a oil oil: one oil in oil, oil, and oil across the oil. Oil oil oiled, oil oiling oil. Oil. Oil, but oiling oily, when oiled oily oil oil, oil oil Americoil. Oil bless the Oiled Oils of Oil!"
A White House Lackey Explains the Many Complex Reasons for the United States’ Invasion of Venezuela
In the early hours of January 3, 2026, President Trump ordered U.S. armed forces to conduct a targeted military operation in Venezuela that resulte...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 3:01 PM
"This oil oil serious oil, but also the oil of a oil oil: one oil in oil, oil, and oil across the oil. Oil oil oiled, oil oiling oil. Oil. Oil, but oiling oily, when oiled oily oil oil, oil oil Americoil. Oil bless the Oiled Oils of Oil!"
"The study clarifies that this moment varied slightly depending on who was asked. For some respondents, it was right after you graduated. For others, it was when you got that job you later quit, or that relationship you 'weren’t ready for.'"
The Best Time to Get Your Life Together Was Five Years Ago, According to Everyone Who Knows You
A comprehensive new survey has concluded that the ideal moment for you to have gotten your life together was roughly five years ago. Not now, not n...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 2:30 PM
"The study clarifies that this moment varied slightly depending on who was asked. For some respondents, it was right after you graduated. For others, it was when you got that job you later quit, or that relationship you 'weren’t ready for.'"
15. Brown Jumping Quaff Visits Sailor Moon
16. Gnostic Speed Warbler
17. Ryan’s Reynold
🦉🦅🦆
16. Gnostic Speed Warbler
17. Ryan’s Reynold
🦉🦅🦆
Thirty-Two Bird Names I Would Contribute If I Were an Ornithologist
1. Johnson’s Thrush 2. Brown Jumping Quaff 3. Pandora’s Baffle 4. Yellow-Eared Tiegslider 5. Jaundiced Terpsichore 6. Pink-Bellied Sneech Destroyer...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 2:01 PM
15. Brown Jumping Quaff Visits Sailor Moon
16. Gnostic Speed Warbler
17. Ryan’s Reynold
🦉🦅🦆
16. Gnostic Speed Warbler
17. Ryan’s Reynold
🦉🦅🦆
Reposted by McSweeney's
“You think you’re watching an innocent woman being shot and killed in cold blood by the federal government, but what you’re really watching is the death of the United States of America.”
@mcsweeneys.net gahhhh dammnnn this goes hard.
@mcsweeneys.net gahhhh dammnnn this goes hard.
What You’re Watching Isn’t What You’re Really Watching
“Federal and local officials dispute the circumstances that led an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer to fatally shoot a 37-year-old woman...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 11, 2026 at 1:59 AM
“You think you’re watching an innocent woman being shot and killed in cold blood by the federal government, but what you’re really watching is the death of the United States of America.”
@mcsweeneys.net gahhhh dammnnn this goes hard.
@mcsweeneys.net gahhhh dammnnn this goes hard.
"I was tired of my sons being indoctrinated into radical ideologies at school. Now, they don’t go to school, so there’s no one shaming them for their masculinity. Plus, they have a perfect outlet for their male energy: stripping copper from abandoned shopping malls."
One Upside of the Total Collapse of Civilization Is We Don’t Have to Be Woke Anymore
As I gaze upon the ruins of what was once my home city, where I grew up and built a life full of love, laughter, and fond memories, I could feel sa...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 3:00 AM
"I was tired of my sons being indoctrinated into radical ideologies at school. Now, they don’t go to school, so there’s no one shaming them for their masculinity. Plus, they have a perfect outlet for their male energy: stripping copper from abandoned shopping malls."
"These days, no one asks me about pronouns; they’re too busy searching for potable water. The victor of the Fourth Great Water War has yet to be determined, but what is certain is that we have decisively defeated the DEI scolds."
buff.ly/uQeXWRA
buff.ly/uQeXWRA
One Upside of the Total Collapse of Civilization Is We Don’t Have to Be Woke Anymore
As I gaze upon the ruins of what was once my home city, where I grew up and built a life full of love, laughter, and fond memories, I could feel sa...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 2:30 AM
"These days, no one asks me about pronouns; they’re too busy searching for potable water. The victor of the Fourth Great Water War has yet to be determined, but what is certain is that we have decisively defeated the DEI scolds."
buff.ly/uQeXWRA
buff.ly/uQeXWRA
"Related/unrelated: What hemisphere is Greenland in?"
Let’s Fucking GOOOOOOOOOO! (by Lockheed Martin)
“Shares in the world’s leading defense contractor, Lockheed Martin, rose 3.5 percent on the opening of trading as the market rushed to buy into def...
buff.ly
January 11, 2026 at 2:00 AM
"Related/unrelated: What hemisphere is Greenland in?"
Reposted by McSweeney's
Powerful. Must read.
"You think you’re watching a woman drive away with an ICE agent following, then shooting her four times in the face, but what you’re really watching is an ICE agent in fear of his life and acting in self-defense."
What You’re Watching Isn’t What You’re Really Watching
“Federal and local officials dispute the circumstances that led an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer to fatally shoot a 37-year-old woman...
buff.ly
January 10, 2026 at 3:21 PM
Powerful. Must read.
Reposted by McSweeney's
Christ I have never identified so hard with a McSweeney’s article and I’m a 44-year-old English major
"You belittle the Pixies? You diss Black Francis? On the way to Massachusetts? On my gal, the bassist Kim Deal, you didn’t have a crush at Smith College in 1992? Were you not even born?"
An Open Letter to the Pair of Gen-Z Men in the Northeast Regional Quiet Car Loudly Discussing Pitchfork’s 100 Best Albums of All Time
Gentlemen, Your opinions on the discography of the last fifty years interests me about as much as you think it does a middle-aged woman traveling c...
buff.ly
January 10, 2026 at 2:05 AM
Christ I have never identified so hard with a McSweeney’s article and I’m a 44-year-old English major
Buckle up, Massholes.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/mas...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/mas...
Massachusetts Road Signs
Massachusetts<br> Road Signs
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 10, 2026 at 9:34 PM
Buckle up, Massholes.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/mas...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/mas...
"We all saw the way your disciples looked at us. 'Oh, hey, a bunch of hicks,' they said to themselves. “Let’s give them the usual. Bet they live off of junk food anyway.” That sort of holier-than-thou attitude isn’t doing you any favors."
Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand, but the Five Thousand Are Gluten Free
No, of course we appreciate the gesture. It’s just that, well, this menu is a little inconsiderate. Sure, all these loaves of bread, that’s very im...
buff.ly
January 10, 2026 at 7:30 PM
"We all saw the way your disciples looked at us. 'Oh, hey, a bunch of hicks,' they said to themselves. “Let’s give them the usual. Bet they live off of junk food anyway.” That sort of holier-than-thou attitude isn’t doing you any favors."
Sadly, more relevant than ever. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...
I’m a German Citizen in 1933, and Is It Just Me or Is It Really Hard to Get Any Work Done Right Now?
Our 25th most-read article of 2025.
- - -Guten tag. I’m just wondering if anybody else can relate to this feeling I’ve been having that I just can...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 10, 2026 at 6:01 PM
Sadly, more relevant than ever. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...
"Last week, I watched a flaneur spend his entire afternoon staring at a blank piece of cardboard. When my manager asked what he was doing, the man responded that he was 'Kinda just raw-dogging the Montmartre, waiting for the light to hit.'"
I’m the Owner of This All Day Café in Nineteenth-Century Paris: Can We Stop It with the Fucking Easels?
I opened this café with the best of intentions: to provide a salon par excellence with a focus on good food and live entertainment, a third place t...
buff.ly
January 10, 2026 at 5:37 PM
"Last week, I watched a flaneur spend his entire afternoon staring at a blank piece of cardboard. When my manager asked what he was doing, the man responded that he was 'Kinda just raw-dogging the Montmartre, waiting for the light to hit.'"