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Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"No doubt Chuck Schumer and the head of Antifa (whose name escapes me at the moment) were in cahoots to shut down the government so that they can turn America’s national parks into training grounds for leftist guerrillas."

We Are Not Fascists, and If You Call Us Fascists, We Will Arrest You

President Trump had another successful week of what is already the greatest presidency of all time, and yet, the woke leftist mob continues to deli...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"Candidate does not require assigned tasks to be amazing or even particularly interesting, and has been known to sidestep certain projects entirely as opposed to wasting time on a nonsense initiative that will, within weeks, be replaced by another nonsense initiative."

Moderately Motivated Gen-Xer for Hire

Forty-something professional seeks opportunity in an environment that is neither “fun,” “playful,” nor “collaborative;” minimal responsibility pref...

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somedonuts @somedonuts.bsky.social · 15h

The contributors are absolutely killing it this week.

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"WE MAKE NEWS LOUDER. IF STORY GOOD ON ONE SIDE, SHOW OTHER SIDE TOO. OTHER SIDE WRONG? OTHER SIDE WANT BLEACH IN VEINS? ANIMAL RUN BOTH. REPORT BOTH SIDES. EVEN WHEN ONE SIDE THINK HEAD MEDS MAKE QUIET BABIES."

“AAAGGGHHH!!!” A Memo from Animal, Your New Editor-in-Chief

“[Editor-in-chief of CBS News] Bari Weiss told network staffers in a morning editorial call that she wants to ‘win’ before delivering a rallying cr...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1h

"[Reassuring platitude.] [Reassuring platitude.] [Reassuring platitude.]"

Texts You Should Send Me After We Hang Out

Hey, thanks so much for coming tonight. I’ve just checked with everyone else at the party, and we’re all in agreement that you behaved really norma...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 2h

"This is a choice we have made as a family, and I will not let a bunch of judgmental strangers or any of the many doctors I have called shame me into changing my mind."
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I’m a MAHA Mom, and Here’s Why I Won’t Stop My Monkeys from Jumping on the Bed—No Matter What the Doctor Says

I’m a proud mother of five who is obsessed with keeping her monkeys healthy. Some people think it’s crazy how much time I spend making sure everyth...

www.mcsweeneys.net

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 2h

LET THE GOURDS HEAL YOUR PAIN.

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

First published on October 9, 2009, this classic by Colin Nissan is our most-read article of all time. We’re celebrating the 16th anniversary of th...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 3h

"Heavily drink warm bourbon from mason jars while swathed in an L.L. Bean Hudson Bay blanket and start a small bonfire using J. Crew catalogs as kindling. Sacrifice your favorite plaid scarf to the hungry flames to ensure more Instagram followers."

Fall DIY Projects That Help Numb the Pain of Existence

Crochet a drink warmer for your pumpkin spice latte because even inanimate objects deserve the attention to detail you so desperately crave and sel...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

Nathan Keedy @nkeedy.bsky.social · 17h

Take heed before it's too late, man.

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

Head shaking (all beats, heavier on beats 2 and 4).

Hand drumming on every surface—steering wheel, tables, grocery cart.

Get excited when, in the noise of the mall, you hear the perfect high-hat rhythm. Only to find that it's coming from a coffee machine.
buff.ly/MqfqVYw

This Is What Happens When You Listen to Too Much Jazz

Foot tapping (beats 2 and 4!). Head shaking (all beats, heavier on beats 2 and 4). Hand drumming on every surface—steering wheel, tables, grocery c...

www.mcsweeneys.net

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 4h

"When they fought, the Vikings fought hahd! N’ some’ah the ones that got the most famous fahr fightin’ the fuckin’ hahdest were the Varangians who fought in Constantinople befoh r’it turned intah a Turkish caliphate ah whatevah." #LeifEriksonDay

A Short History of the Varangian Guard for Bostonians

Art by Matt Smith - - -Now, evuhryone knows that the Vikings were some sehriously hahdco’ah fuckin’ fightahs. ’Cept most’ah ’em actually didn’t go...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

AKA NickleDave @nicholdav.bsky.social · 19h

This is so good that it made me deadlift 3 heirloom pumpkins and then go get a Pumpkin Spice Gladiator smoothie from Smoothie King 💪🎃

Picture of 3 heirloom pumpkins on a concrete porch stoop

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 5h

"I can’t believe Sandy didn’t want to come. 'All anybody is gonna want to talk about is that stupid car and how we mysteriously flew away, never to be seen or heard from until tonight.' Ugh, she’s gonna be right, again."

Danny Zuko’s Internal Monologue as He Heads to Rydell High’s Thirtieth Reunion

Jacket? Check. Wallet? Check. Keys? Well, obviously, you’re driving, you big gavone. Okay, Danny, this is gonna be your night. They’re gonna be sho...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 18h

"Because I dropped out of Stanford to start this company, you know for sure that it’s my life’s work. I’ll always be at the helm, so the idea that I’ll hand over the company to an ex-McKinsey consultant and retire to a Hawaiian compound built on cleared forest is preposterous."

Hi, I’m an Early 2010s Tech CEO

I wear the same T-shirt every day, and I have a relatably unkempt haircut. I remind you of the smart kids from high school, so I give you hope that...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 18h

"I’m just happy to be here tonight as we celebrate excellence in economics and look on passively as the global markets slide inexorably into a cataclysmic chaos that will destabilize the very underpinnings of society."

On the Red Carpet of the Nobel Prizes

INTERVIEWER: Chemical engineer Dr. Chesel Amniotiv is looking resplendent in orange gabardine, with cobalt accents of actual cobalt. Let’s see if w...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

Robert Dillman, 2nd of his name (he/they) @puzzle-dad.bsky.social · 15h

McSweeney's with the 1 - 2 punch(line) 💩

I think this is a Third Amendment issue

Or maybe number 2

(And I should and see myself out)

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 18h

"You have been warned, this day is coming. A day we stop asking if we can befoul your bathroom, and we forcibly start doing our business in there."

Please Let Our Warfighters Use Your Restroom

By now, you’ve noticed our brave patriots—ICE, the National Guard, police officers, select local mall cops, rando bodyguards, weird little incels, ...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 7h

Today’s mandatory faculty mental health slideshow, “Going Through the Motions: How to Function Despite the Fact Your Supervisors Hate You and Your Job Is Destroying You Spiritually,” has been postponed again.

The Faculty Mental Health Fair Has Been Postponed Again

Dear Faculty: Due to concerns expressed by the students, parents, and staff, you are invited to attend a mandatory emergency mental health fair in ...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 7h

A woman is dazzled by the sights and sounds (specifically between 34th and 59th Streets) as she joyfully steps off the curb while livestreaming for her twelve followers.

UPRIGHT: Unbridled Midwestern joie de vivre, a pitstop at the M&M store.
REVERSED: This city will destroy you.

Tarot Readings for Life in the Big, Soul-Crushing City

Life in the big city can be many things. But mostly it is hard, expensive, and exhausting. Occasionally, it can smell like poop. Above all, it is c...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 8h

If you're still having trouble telling the difference between the bands Geese and Goose, this ridiculous piece by Ben Greenman will be of no help at all.

Freddie and Eddie, the Nation’s Leading Temu Abbott and Costello, in “Dat Bird!”

“Goose is a jam band. Geese is indie rock. They both have new albums. They’re also both on tour. Confused? We can help.” — New York Times - - -FRED...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"WE MAKE NEWS LOUDER. IF STORY GOOD ON ONE SIDE, SHOW OTHER SIDE TOO. OTHER SIDE WRONG? OTHER SIDE WANT BLEACH IN VEINS? ANIMAL RUN BOTH. REPORT BOTH SIDES. EVEN WHEN ONE SIDE THINK HEAD MEDS MAKE QUIET BABIES."

“AAAGGGHHH!!!” A Memo from Animal, Your New Editor-in-Chief

“[Editor-in-chief of CBS News] Bari Weiss told network staffers in a morning editorial call that she wants to ‘win’ before delivering a rallying cr...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

Darcy Sharman @dsharman.bsky.social · 1d

When the satire is more truthful than the news.

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 3d

"Whether a person is undocumented or not is anyone’s guess, which is why the safest bet is to question everyone."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ice...

ICE’s Training Manual for Determining Who to Terrorize

“The Supreme Court on Monday lifted a federal judge’s order prohibiting government agents from making indiscriminate immigration-related stops in t...

www.mcsweeneys.net

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Reposted by McSweeney's

Miranda Yaver @mirandayaver.bsky.social · 1d

Oh my god, this McSweeney’s piece is so, so good.

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 18h

"You have been warned, this day is coming. A day we stop asking if we can befoul your bathroom, and we forcibly start doing our business in there."

Please Let Our Warfighters Use Your Restroom

By now, you’ve noticed our brave patriots—ICE, the National Guard, police officers, select local mall cops, rando bodyguards, weird little incels, ...

buff.ly

3 11 72

Reposted by McSweeney's

belugatooth.bsky.social @belugatooth.bsky.social · 22h

this is art 🥹

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"WE MAKE NEWS LOUDER. IF STORY GOOD ON ONE SIDE, SHOW OTHER SIDE TOO. OTHER SIDE WRONG? OTHER SIDE WANT BLEACH IN VEINS? ANIMAL RUN BOTH. REPORT BOTH SIDES. EVEN WHEN ONE SIDE THINK HEAD MEDS MAKE QUIET BABIES."

“AAAGGGHHH!!!” A Memo from Animal, Your New Editor-in-Chief

“[Editor-in-chief of CBS News] Bari Weiss told network staffers in a morning editorial call that she wants to ‘win’ before delivering a rallying cr...

buff.ly

2 20 110

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 18h

"I’m just happy to be here tonight as we celebrate excellence in economics and look on passively as the global markets slide inexorably into a cataclysmic chaos that will destabilize the very underpinnings of society."

On the Red Carpet of the Nobel Prizes

INTERVIEWER: Chemical engineer Dr. Chesel Amniotiv is looking resplendent in orange gabardine, with cobalt accents of actual cobalt. Let’s see if w...

buff.ly

6 40

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 18h

"Because I dropped out of Stanford to start this company, you know for sure that it’s my life’s work. I’ll always be at the helm, so the idea that I’ll hand over the company to an ex-McKinsey consultant and retire to a Hawaiian compound built on cleared forest is preposterous."

Hi, I’m an Early 2010s Tech CEO

I wear the same T-shirt every day, and I have a relatably unkempt haircut. I remind you of the smart kids from high school, so I give you hope that...

buff.ly

1 8 75

Reposted by McSweeney's

Bird Lives @birdlives1.bsky.social · 1d

Solid, man.

#jazzsky

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

Head shaking (all beats, heavier on beats 2 and 4).

Hand drumming on every surface—steering wheel, tables, grocery cart.

Get excited when, in the noise of the mall, you hear the perfect high-hat rhythm. Only to find that it's coming from a coffee machine.
buff.ly/MqfqVYw

This Is What Happens When You Listen to Too Much Jazz

Foot tapping (beats 2 and 4!). Head shaking (all beats, heavier on beats 2 and 4). Hand drumming on every surface—steering wheel, tables, grocery c...

www.mcsweeneys.net

5 27