Tallis
@arcanaroo.bsky.social
Someone trying to figure themselves out. Fair warning; questing, self discovery, destruction, health issues, depression, or worse may reside here. 42 Years Old
Today I started to dive into some of my dad's digital footprint.. holy hell this is going to take me YEARS to archive and check things...
November 30, 2025 at 8:08 PM
Today I started to dive into some of my dad's digital footprint.. holy hell this is going to take me YEARS to archive and check things...
Maybe I should just buy a sex toy or something. I know this sounds off, but I'm honestly wanting one of those sex dolls not for sex, just to have something to hug in bed to see if it helps me calm down.
November 23, 2025 at 11:29 PM
Maybe I should just buy a sex toy or something. I know this sounds off, but I'm honestly wanting one of those sex dolls not for sex, just to have something to hug in bed to see if it helps me calm down.
I'm also getting really fed up with my emotions and urges. I'm tired of the constantly dull horny feeling combined with nightmares of finding my dad's dead body and the sudden flashes of stress and overwhelming dread of fucking up and causing a disaster
November 23, 2025 at 10:58 PM
I'm also getting really fed up with my emotions and urges. I'm tired of the constantly dull horny feeling combined with nightmares of finding my dad's dead body and the sudden flashes of stress and overwhelming dread of fucking up and causing a disaster
I'm having major pain memories again. Even awake, I suddenly feel overwhelmed and lost. Wishing I had my dad back to teach me what is needed after he is gone. I just... I feel so overwhelmed and lost.
November 23, 2025 at 10:38 PM
I'm having major pain memories again. Even awake, I suddenly feel overwhelmed and lost. Wishing I had my dad back to teach me what is needed after he is gone. I just... I feel so overwhelmed and lost.
I'll be honest... There are a few experiences from my past (Namely my 2 trips to visit a friend in Nova Scotia) That have made me re-think a lot of thing. Yes I'm still touch avoidant in many ways, but having a FWB for 2 trips that lasted nearly 3 weeks each was... a good thing for me.
November 12, 2025 at 8:55 PM
I'll be honest... There are a few experiences from my past (Namely my 2 trips to visit a friend in Nova Scotia) That have made me re-think a lot of thing. Yes I'm still touch avoidant in many ways, but having a FWB for 2 trips that lasted nearly 3 weeks each was... a good thing for me.
Dad died on October 11th, 2025. Since then I've watch my mom's heal rather quickly drain away and affect her. I'm worried for her future just as much my own. The stress is unbearable.
November 10, 2025 at 11:41 PM
Dad died on October 11th, 2025. Since then I've watch my mom's heal rather quickly drain away and affect her. I'm worried for her future just as much my own. The stress is unbearable.
Woke up this morning at 5am... the feeling of being overwhelm is just becoming too much. I just don't know if I have the strength. Even on anti depressants, something has shifted. I scratch to hold on to anything. There is no thoughts of a plan any more. Just the fear of not holding back.
October 19, 2025 at 12:01 PM
Woke up this morning at 5am... the feeling of being overwhelm is just becoming too much. I just don't know if I have the strength. Even on anti depressants, something has shifted. I scratch to hold on to anything. There is no thoughts of a plan any more. Just the fear of not holding back.
I just want death for myself. I can't do this. My body and heart. The pressure hurts so much. Nothing could help. Not even things like Pokemon or furry or... I'll be letting my friends down...
October 15, 2025 at 8:04 AM
I just want death for myself. I can't do this. My body and heart. The pressure hurts so much. Nothing could help. Not even things like Pokemon or furry or... I'll be letting my friends down...
I fucking hate my body. While getting a shower today at a friends place, I too the time to check on a few things. And yea... the Swelling in my groin area has gotten worse/bigger. I was unsure if it was the stress from the ER visit last night/finding my dead father...
October 12, 2025 at 9:56 PM
I fucking hate my body. While getting a shower today at a friends place, I too the time to check on a few things. And yea... the Swelling in my groin area has gotten worse/bigger. I was unsure if it was the stress from the ER visit last night/finding my dead father...
I will say this right now, and it's something I need to find a therapist for asap... My mental state right now is all over the god damn place. And I honestly hope it calms down with sleep. Because I just... Don't know if I can keep up who I am or how I am for others any longer.
October 12, 2025 at 4:45 AM
I will say this right now, and it's something I need to find a therapist for asap... My mental state right now is all over the god damn place. And I honestly hope it calms down with sleep. Because I just... Don't know if I can keep up who I am or how I am for others any longer.
I HATE this feeling of ANGER and RAGE in my mind and body right now. I'm so... I an trying to force it into words but I know better. Blame, guilt, Something inside of me is telling me now is the time to tip over. No longer rolling dice or making bets. Just... the end is near and I've failed.
October 12, 2025 at 4:28 AM
I HATE this feeling of ANGER and RAGE in my mind and body right now. I'm so... I an trying to force it into words but I know better. Blame, guilt, Something inside of me is telling me now is the time to tip over. No longer rolling dice or making bets. Just... the end is near and I've failed.
Fell back asleep just to get tossed into a relationship guilt dream and woken back up. I'm in my 40s, I'm not fit to be anyone's partner, I can't even get help for myself. There is no one that I match their vibe. And I can't stand out for myself. I honestly just wish I could be dead and gone.
October 5, 2025 at 8:29 AM
Fell back asleep just to get tossed into a relationship guilt dream and woken back up. I'm in my 40s, I'm not fit to be anyone's partner, I can't even get help for myself. There is no one that I match their vibe. And I can't stand out for myself. I honestly just wish I could be dead and gone.
Foot and leg pain is really bad tonight. It woke me up at 3am and I've just been laying here as more of me starts to hurt.
October 5, 2025 at 8:07 AM
Foot and leg pain is really bad tonight. It woke me up at 3am and I've just been laying here as more of me starts to hurt.
Woke up to a kitchen mess, a war I can't win against ants, and body urges and thoughts I'm in direct conflict with. I want to scream, I want to give up, I want to never grow attached to anyone ever again because it only ever tears at my mind body and soul as a outright failure.
October 3, 2025 at 1:02 PM
Woke up to a kitchen mess, a war I can't win against ants, and body urges and thoughts I'm in direct conflict with. I want to scream, I want to give up, I want to never grow attached to anyone ever again because it only ever tears at my mind body and soul as a outright failure.
I'm... trying to keep in a better head space by force today. Made sure to eat something filling, spent time with a friend irl, And even made sure the garbage was at least started so It's not a last notion of the day thing.
October 2, 2025 at 8:38 PM
I'm... trying to keep in a better head space by force today. Made sure to eat something filling, spent time with a friend irl, And even made sure the garbage was at least started so It's not a last notion of the day thing.
I'm sorry I don't reach out more, check in with those who check in on me, or I've been unable to connect back with simply because the last 5 years has so many memory gaps.
October 2, 2025 at 4:06 AM
I'm sorry I don't reach out more, check in with those who check in on me, or I've been unable to connect back with simply because the last 5 years has so many memory gaps.
Depression kind of flared up after I ended the stream. Honestly wished I had the energy to crack out an entire second chapter today as it was so very fun doing the read along of a story game where most of it has voice acting aside from some narration bits.
September 30, 2025 at 8:16 PM
Depression kind of flared up after I ended the stream. Honestly wished I had the energy to crack out an entire second chapter today as it was so very fun doing the read along of a story game where most of it has voice acting aside from some narration bits.
Woke up at 5am due to horrible pain in my feet. I don't expect medical stuff to be of any help. Just crying till things calm so I can sleep again.
September 26, 2025 at 10:17 AM
Woke up at 5am due to horrible pain in my feet. I don't expect medical stuff to be of any help. Just crying till things calm so I can sleep again.
Today has just... felt so off and... weird is not the right word for it but I don't know how best to word it. It's not good. It's affecting my logic, it's making me feel hot and cold flashes. I have numbness in some parts of my body. My hands don't feel like they are responding or working right.
September 26, 2025 at 4:36 AM
Today has just... felt so off and... weird is not the right word for it but I don't know how best to word it. It's not good. It's affecting my logic, it's making me feel hot and cold flashes. I have numbness in some parts of my body. My hands don't feel like they are responding or working right.
My mom, in her decline due to cancer and other illnesses, has apparently felt the need to blast me with EVERY Pro T***p thing she can find because I'm not showing enough support. I mean for fucks sake I'm against ALL of the Red at this point and without putting a target on myself...
September 21, 2025 at 11:12 PM
My mom, in her decline due to cancer and other illnesses, has apparently felt the need to blast me with EVERY Pro T***p thing she can find because I'm not showing enough support. I mean for fucks sake I'm against ALL of the Red at this point and without putting a target on myself...
Today was my mom's 70th birthday, and for the most part other than telling her happy birthday once in the afternoon, I didn't really interact with her. There is so much that has changed my views on her over the years. And aside from being her current home caretaker... I want to escape.
September 15, 2025 at 6:02 AM
Today was my mom's 70th birthday, and for the most part other than telling her happy birthday once in the afternoon, I didn't really interact with her. There is so much that has changed my views on her over the years. And aside from being her current home caretaker... I want to escape.
So I got my letter today. My Food Assistance ends at the end of this November. I no longer qualify because I'm not disabled enough/working 20 hours a week. Parents kept pestering me about said letter and I explained it to them.
September 12, 2025 at 11:14 PM
So I got my letter today. My Food Assistance ends at the end of this November. I no longer qualify because I'm not disabled enough/working 20 hours a week. Parents kept pestering me about said letter and I explained it to them.
Mom has been sitting out in the kitchen all night. Her phone is charged again so she's blasting more right wing news. I can't even go out there to make a late dinner because she wants to start conversations on political topics and I don't want to give her that time. x.x
September 11, 2025 at 4:22 AM
Mom has been sitting out in the kitchen all night. Her phone is charged again so she's blasting more right wing news. I can't even go out there to make a late dinner because she wants to start conversations on political topics and I don't want to give her that time. x.x
Mom just had another accident and tracked diarrhea all thru the downstairs of the house. While I am trying to help clean it up, I am having to constantly step away and nearly puke from the smell it is putting off. Yes my nose does not work well and I can't smell things...
September 3, 2025 at 4:20 PM
Mom just had another accident and tracked diarrhea all thru the downstairs of the house. While I am trying to help clean it up, I am having to constantly step away and nearly puke from the smell it is putting off. Yes my nose does not work well and I can't smell things...
Why can't I just say no? Even if it is for helping others to say yes due to circumstances., I don't normally ask for things like repayment, but always want to make sure I'm repaying others. I'm just that easy to take advantage of, made to feel guilty even if unintended, and I always need to...
September 2, 2025 at 8:45 PM
Why can't I just say no? Even if it is for helping others to say yes due to circumstances., I don't normally ask for things like repayment, but always want to make sure I'm repaying others. I'm just that easy to take advantage of, made to feel guilty even if unintended, and I always need to...