means we can be be ourselves and still have a lot of fun and try things.

It's why I realize now I kind of can have the 'sex' aspect of a connection both be wither separate or standard with anyone whom I can trust. And honestly... I kind of want to get past my touch avoidance so when I do find a partner who can be something more for me and who I can be more for them...

Namely I learned I'm not bad at sex, but I'm not good at it. I seem to produce more then expected, but I am a little rough to be with someone due to my general size. Honestly, I want to give more physical intimacy more chances, but I don't think I directly connect it to things like love, yet I can.

But it's swollen now to twice it's size... I can't see my urologist again till sometime in January, but if the pain starts happening again, I'll go to the ER and they will likely just send me home again.

To stop forcing being functional. not to just give up, but to let go. for whatever the result may be. Tonight I feel as if nothing I say or do matters.

But what's worse is not death, no... It's everything else. It's me likely having to live and suffer. Stuck in this horrible middle ground of not being functional and not being able to fix myself, or just having to grind gears and be 'normal' as my body gives out to suffering and failures.

I'm tired. So very tired... tired or urges and thoughts. tire of physical and mental tug of war. tired of failing others and myself. Tired of the masquerade of sanity. I wish I could give up like how others do and just... let go.

A creep, a pervert, a jerk, a bully, something that has no standards and will only bring pain to others. no boundaries, no trust, no faith, no control. I will hurt others in worse way, physical... mental... social... The me deep inside is leaking out but still contained with death my kill switch.

I wish I could let go, but it's some kind of self imposed hell... I don't have the right to end my own life. The me deep inside and buried deep, should never be given the light of day. I will only hurt others, confuse others, and make all the wrong choices.

Unable to be helped due to years of abuse. I can't accept help properly because of how flawed it's been used against me or manipulated me. The exception when things always seem to be mostly presented. Just another failed project. Not even worth properly disposing of, just abandoning.

Not even worth being told why I'm being abandoned. too much of a risk aside from the jaded idea that I'm being appreciated till IK don't have a use to others any longer. Unable to work because of medical and physical and mental crashes. Garbage to be used because I don't know better.

I'm only here to be used, abused, and tossed aside. A sexual toy for some, an emotional dumping ground for others, a physical example of what is wrong. Mentally a project doomed to always be abandoned. a waste of space, resources, and funds.