Ariel Elias
@arielcomedy.bsky.social
Punchup.live/arielelias
Comedian, Kentucky, Jewish, Beer chugger
Comedian, Kentucky, Jewish, Beer chugger
I had a Spanish professor once who told us that when the government is firing on its own citizens, the government has failed, not its citizens.
January 26, 2026 at 5:38 PM
I had a Spanish professor once who told us that when the government is firing on its own citizens, the government has failed, not its citizens.
Things are so upside-down right now, I'm over here like wake up people, the government is coming for your guns!
January 26, 2026 at 4:23 AM
Things are so upside-down right now, I'm over here like wake up people, the government is coming for your guns!
It's so hard to convey tone in text. Those flags should say "don't tread on ME"
January 25, 2026 at 3:55 PM
It's so hard to convey tone in text. Those flags should say "don't tread on ME"
I know things are bad because I felt like I needed a break from all this and thought, "ah yes there it is," as I hit play on a podcast about the Challenger disaster.
January 25, 2026 at 3:54 PM
I know things are bad because I felt like I needed a break from all this and thought, "ah yes there it is," as I hit play on a podcast about the Challenger disaster.
Wow it's like all those kids in schools got shot for nothing.
January 24, 2026 at 11:18 PM
Wow it's like all those kids in schools got shot for nothing.
I can't believe the secret to having good hair is literally just spending an hour making it look better
January 23, 2026 at 11:06 PM
I can't believe the secret to having good hair is literally just spending an hour making it look better
The one thing we don't have to worry about with Trump is him having the nuclear codes. Just based on the amount of typos in everything, there's no way he's gonna type in the codes right. How many chances do you think you get on that before it locks you out?
January 22, 2026 at 2:54 AM
The one thing we don't have to worry about with Trump is him having the nuclear codes. Just based on the amount of typos in everything, there's no way he's gonna type in the codes right. How many chances do you think you get on that before it locks you out?
Hey so I learned from history, can I please be excused from repeating it?
January 21, 2026 at 2:19 AM
Hey so I learned from history, can I please be excused from repeating it?
Never thought I'd long for the days when headlines warned that ice was disappearing
January 19, 2026 at 4:01 PM
Never thought I'd long for the days when headlines warned that ice was disappearing
Greg Bovino was accused of wearing a Nazi trench coat, but technically every trench coat he wears is a Nazi trench coat.
January 19, 2026 at 2:25 AM
Greg Bovino was accused of wearing a Nazi trench coat, but technically every trench coat he wears is a Nazi trench coat.
Yeah nice guys finish last. But bad boys end up having to run the race again because they got caught cheating.
January 18, 2026 at 10:54 PM
Yeah nice guys finish last. But bad boys end up having to run the race again because they got caught cheating.
I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that are now obsolete thanks to AI.
January 17, 2026 at 10:27 PM
I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that are now obsolete thanks to AI.
How are you gonna go after Minneapolis? those people have the cutest little accents and say oh gosh
January 16, 2026 at 5:12 PM
How are you gonna go after Minneapolis? those people have the cutest little accents and say oh gosh
Based on their vaccine beliefs, it makes sense that maga doesn't understand who gets absolute immunity.
January 15, 2026 at 6:07 PM
Based on their vaccine beliefs, it makes sense that maga doesn't understand who gets absolute immunity.
So many things are bad right now, including the fact that I can't finish Heated Rivalry until my parents are no longer visiting me.
January 14, 2026 at 4:44 PM
So many things are bad right now, including the fact that I can't finish Heated Rivalry until my parents are no longer visiting me.
Being a millennial means buying steps for my dog while not being able to afford a home with stairs.
January 14, 2026 at 4:41 PM
Being a millennial means buying steps for my dog while not being able to afford a home with stairs.
Our 10 year old dog tore a ligament in her leg because, as our vet put it, "she's too happy of a dog." She gets too excited for everything to the point that she got hurt, and it was such a sweet reminder that depression saves.
January 13, 2026 at 11:45 PM
Our 10 year old dog tore a ligament in her leg because, as our vet put it, "she's too happy of a dog." She gets too excited for everything to the point that she got hurt, and it was such a sweet reminder that depression saves.
A big part of getting older is realizing that you hated a lot of people for the wrong reasons, forgiving them, forgiving yourself, and then being thrilled when you get to hate them for the right reasons.
January 12, 2026 at 10:05 PM
A big part of getting older is realizing that you hated a lot of people for the wrong reasons, forgiving them, forgiving yourself, and then being thrilled when you get to hate them for the right reasons.
It's so weird that we say 'grow a pair' to people who are afraid. How are balls a symbol of bravery and strength, when they completely cower if it's even a little cold
January 12, 2026 at 6:38 PM
It's so weird that we say 'grow a pair' to people who are afraid. How are balls a symbol of bravery and strength, when they completely cower if it's even a little cold
Here are the Golden Globe winners for shows that I specifically got around to watching this year:
January 12, 2026 at 5:13 PM
Here are the Golden Globe winners for shows that I specifically got around to watching this year:
If you haven't had an old woman hanging out of a window criticize you in Greek about your parking job, do you even live in Astoria?
January 12, 2026 at 4:22 PM
If you haven't had an old woman hanging out of a window criticize you in Greek about your parking job, do you even live in Astoria?
Ugh I'm still writing project 2025 on all my dystopian plans
January 11, 2026 at 4:19 PM
Ugh I'm still writing project 2025 on all my dystopian plans
Reading historical fiction is fun because there will be some little innocuous detail mentioned and you're like, ohhhhhh noooooooo
January 8, 2026 at 6:47 PM
Reading historical fiction is fun because there will be some little innocuous detail mentioned and you're like, ohhhhhh noooooooo
The dog in the car was fine, which explains why Kristi Noem was so upset.
January 7, 2026 at 11:18 PM
The dog in the car was fine, which explains why Kristi Noem was so upset.
Wherever I pick up my phone to scroll, I stop myself and open a book instead. It makes me feel like a college student again, using a book to hide that I'm scrolling on my phone.
January 7, 2026 at 5:45 PM
Wherever I pick up my phone to scroll, I stop myself and open a book instead. It makes me feel like a college student again, using a book to hide that I'm scrolling on my phone.