Bespoke Swears
@bespokeswears.bsky.social
Grumpy old lesbian in small-town Aotearoa. Amateur bagel baker, gardener, bird nerd. Rants about NZ politics, feminism, human rights and evil supermarkets guaranteed. She/her.
It's a quiet day at work, so I'm training Bea to let me put a biscuit on her snout. She is... unimpressed. 🇳🇿🐶
February 4, 2026 at 3:28 AM
It's a quiet day at work, so I'm training Bea to let me put a biscuit on her snout. She is... unimpressed. 🇳🇿🐶
Gonna go stand outside the Nicola Willis's office with a boombox, a la John Cusack, playing Skunk Anansie's 'Yes it's fucking political'.
January 27, 2026 at 3:12 AM
Gonna go stand outside the Nicola Willis's office with a boombox, a la John Cusack, playing Skunk Anansie's 'Yes it's fucking political'.
#nzpol
In January 2022, the speed limit on SH1 between Ōtaki and Levin was reduced from 100km/hr to 80.
Road closures, crashes and deaths were measurably reduced.
1/N
In January 2022, the speed limit on SH1 between Ōtaki and Levin was reduced from 100km/hr to 80.
Road closures, crashes and deaths were measurably reduced.
1/N
January 15, 2026 at 1:53 AM
#nzpol
In January 2022, the speed limit on SH1 between Ōtaki and Levin was reduced from 100km/hr to 80.
Road closures, crashes and deaths were measurably reduced.
1/N
In January 2022, the speed limit on SH1 between Ōtaki and Levin was reduced from 100km/hr to 80.
Road closures, crashes and deaths were measurably reduced.
1/N
I was not expecting to hear a lounge cover of Black Eyed Peas 'I gotta feeling' tonight. And I kinda wish I hadn't.
a man is wearing headphones and has a feeling that tonites gonna be a good night
Alt: a man is wearing headphones. The text reads "I've got a feeling ooohooo that tonites gonna be a good night"
media.tenor.com
January 13, 2026 at 7:57 AM
I was not expecting to hear a lounge cover of Black Eyed Peas 'I gotta feeling' tonight. And I kinda wish I hadn't.
Just had a call from a number I didn't know...
Me: Hello
They: Hi, is that [my actual name]
Me: Yes.
Them: Hi, it's me, your weed guy.
Me: Sorry?
Them: Trevor
Me: Um, I don't know who you are.
Them: Oh, shit, sorry, I think I've got the wrong number.
Me: Hello
They: Hi, is that [my actual name]
Me: Yes.
Them: Hi, it's me, your weed guy.
Me: Sorry?
Them: Trevor
Me: Um, I don't know who you are.
Them: Oh, shit, sorry, I think I've got the wrong number.
a man is making a funny face while wearing a black shirt and a silver chain .
Alt: David Schitt in Schitt's Creek, nodding with impressive eyebrows.
media.tenor.com
January 7, 2026 at 3:24 AM
Just had a call from a number I didn't know...
Me: Hello
They: Hi, is that [my actual name]
Me: Yes.
Them: Hi, it's me, your weed guy.
Me: Sorry?
Them: Trevor
Me: Um, I don't know who you are.
Them: Oh, shit, sorry, I think I've got the wrong number.
Me: Hello
They: Hi, is that [my actual name]
Me: Yes.
Them: Hi, it's me, your weed guy.
Me: Sorry?
Them: Trevor
Me: Um, I don't know who you are.
Them: Oh, shit, sorry, I think I've got the wrong number.
Ha! We're getting email spam in Te Reo Māori now. If that's not a sign of a healthy, active, living language, I don't know what is.
![A screenshot of a spammy email I received today, written in Te Reo Māori. It reads: Kia ora [business name], Tau Hou koa. E hiahia ana ahau ki te tuku whakaaro mō tētahi hononga mahi ā-kōmihana, ka utua ahau mō te tipuranga anake ka whakaputaina e au mō tō toa ipurangi. Mēnā he mea pai tēnei ki a koe, ka nui taku koa mēnā ka taea e koe te tuku mai i tō nama WhatsApp kia āhei tāua ki te kōrero poto mō taua kaupapa.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:luyri773ah7yrorgpdvpk65e/bafkreihsgelrj5hmkcocwmru6uunme5edoie6pnfetzqooixfd7pt6726e@jpeg)
January 7, 2026 at 1:31 AM
Ha! We're getting email spam in Te Reo Māori now. If that's not a sign of a healthy, active, living language, I don't know what is.
Taking a break from snarkiness to admire my tomatoes! So many! And this is just one bunch on one plant ☺️
January 6, 2026 at 6:25 AM
Taking a break from snarkiness to admire my tomatoes! So many! And this is just one bunch on one plant ☺️
Must've got a bit sun-drunk at the river yesterday - managed to leave my car unlocked all night and left my keys in the front door. And now I'm supposed to WORK?!
a man and woman are sitting at a table with a menu in front of them and the word schitts creek is on the bottom right
ALT: a man and woman are sitting at a table with a menu in front of them and the word schitts creek is on the bottom right
media.tenor.com
January 4, 2026 at 10:12 PM
Must've got a bit sun-drunk at the river yesterday - managed to leave my car unlocked all night and left my keys in the front door. And now I'm supposed to WORK?!
Welp. Looks like I'm Cohen the Barbarian.
December 29, 2025 at 9:42 PM
Welp. Looks like I'm Cohen the Barbarian.
Meri Kirihimete ki a koutou! Christmas in our house starts with pavlova for breakfast. Looks just like Nadia's, as always 😁
December 24, 2025 at 6:54 PM
Meri Kirihimete ki a koutou! Christmas in our house starts with pavlova for breakfast. Looks just like Nadia's, as always 😁
Our Christmas tradition is to get together with a good friend, and anyone else who wants to visit. We get the My Food Bag Christmas box so no one had to think or make decisions or go to the supermarket on Xmas eve. Then we eat good food, talk shit and play boardgames for a couple days...
December 24, 2025 at 1:21 AM
Our Christmas tradition is to get together with a good friend, and anyone else who wants to visit. We get the My Food Bag Christmas box so no one had to think or make decisions or go to the supermarket on Xmas eve. Then we eat good food, talk shit and play boardgames for a couple days...
I'm fascinated by the decision-making in this second-hand bookshop. I don't think they're using the Dewey decimal system.
December 19, 2025 at 11:43 PM
I'm fascinated by the decision-making in this second-hand bookshop. I don't think they're using the Dewey decimal system.
Every announcement from this government makes me furious. #nzpol
a woman in a black dress says it-it-the-f-it-flam-flames
Alt: Clip from the movie 'Clue'. Madeline Kahn in a black dress saying "it-it-the-f-it-flam-flames, Flames on the side of my face..."
media.tenor.com
December 15, 2025 at 11:48 PM
Every announcement from this government makes me furious. #nzpol
Someone has donated an incredible collection of shoes to the Foxton Op Shop - if only I could walk in heels! (They're size 39-41, if anyone's interested!) 👠🇳🇿
December 12, 2025 at 11:25 PM
Someone has donated an incredible collection of shoes to the Foxton Op Shop - if only I could walk in heels! (They're size 39-41, if anyone's interested!) 👠🇳🇿
I cannot sit in the correct ergonomic position at my desk because the dog is sleeping on the wheel of my chair. 🐶🇳🇿
December 10, 2025 at 1:18 AM
I cannot sit in the correct ergonomic position at my desk because the dog is sleeping on the wheel of my chair. 🐶🇳🇿
THE COVER! 💚
✨ We're thrilled to announce Hungus by Amber Esau (Ngāpuhi / Manase) is coming 12 March 2026 – the arrival of a dazzling new voice in Aotearoa poetry.
teherengawakapress.co.nz/products/hun...
teherengawakapress.co.nz/products/hun...
December 4, 2025 at 2:48 AM
THE COVER! 💚
If I behaved in work meetings like this I would be severely reprimanded, or sacked. Cut his fucking pay, or something, if he can't answer straight forward questions without being a cunt.
And the award for the worst performance of projection, goes to David Seymour.
"That's a performance! You're just doing a political performance!" Said the politician, performing like a spoiled child getting asked a simple question...
People vote for this idiot? What's in the water in Epsom?
#nzpol
"That's a performance! You're just doing a political performance!" Said the politician, performing like a spoiled child getting asked a simple question...
People vote for this idiot? What's in the water in Epsom?
#nzpol
December 3, 2025 at 11:15 PM
If I behaved in work meetings like this I would be severely reprimanded, or sacked. Cut his fucking pay, or something, if he can't answer straight forward questions without being a cunt.
Love that Stuff used a shot from Karen O’Leary’s Full Disclosure podcast for this finance dude’s photo 😁🌈
December 1, 2025 at 7:30 PM
Love that Stuff used a shot from Karen O’Leary’s Full Disclosure podcast for this finance dude’s photo 😁🌈
This is such an incredible book. Radically personal and political. 💚#nzbooks
'Strong contender for nonfiction book of the year' – Nadine Hura's 'Slowing the Sun' is back on the Unity Wellington bestseller list!
thespinoff.co.nz/books/28-11...
thespinoff.co.nz/books/28-11...
November 28, 2025 at 8:18 AM
This is such an incredible book. Radically personal and political. 💚#nzbooks
"Incoherent misstep" is such a polite way to say "gigantic fuck up", I might start using it at work.
November 27, 2025 at 8:04 PM
"Incoherent misstep" is such a polite way to say "gigantic fuck up", I might start using it at work.
It had to happen at some point. Yesterday I dropped an entire case of wine on the stockroom floor. Entry in the health and safety register just reads "BE MORE CAREFUL, ME!"
a cartoon cow with the words `` and number three be careful out there '' written on it
ALT: a cartoon cow with the words `` and number three be careful out there '' written on it
media.tenor.com
November 25, 2025 at 10:47 PM
It had to happen at some point. Yesterday I dropped an entire case of wine on the stockroom floor. Entry in the health and safety register just reads "BE MORE CAREFUL, ME!"
Finally signed up for Good Bitches Baking! The rage is overwhelming me a little at the moment, and I’m hoping that baking and giving kai will help me reconnect with hope and joy.
November 19, 2025 at 7:49 PM
Finally signed up for Good Bitches Baking! The rage is overwhelming me a little at the moment, and I’m hoping that baking and giving kai will help me reconnect with hope and joy.
Reposted by Bespoke Swears
This is upsetting on so many levels. Banning new prescriptions is extremely harmful and doing this during trans awareness week, a few days before the transgender day of remembrance just makes it so much worse.
www.rnz.co.nz/news/politic...
www.rnz.co.nz/news/politic...
Govt halts new puberty blockers prescriptions for gender-affirming care
Green Party MP Ricardo Menéndez March says the government is "buying into imported culture wars" .
www.rnz.co.nz
November 19, 2025 at 7:43 AM
This is upsetting on so many levels. Banning new prescriptions is extremely harmful and doing this during trans awareness week, a few days before the transgender day of remembrance just makes it so much worse.
www.rnz.co.nz/news/politic...
www.rnz.co.nz/news/politic...