The Borowitz Report
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The Borowitz Report Turns 25
A quarter century of making up the news.
www.borowitzreport.com
In 2001, I started making up news stories and emailing them to friends. I had no idea that someday this would be how I’d make a living. I just thought it would be a fun hobby, and way better than gardening, at which I totally sucked.
Cutting down my time on social media. See all future posts at borowitzreport.com
January 9, 2026 at 8:21 PM
Cutting down my time on social media. See all future posts at borowitzreport.com
Renee Good’s family should file a $1 trillion defamation lawsuit against Trump, Vance, and Noem.
January 9, 2026 at 1:50 PM
Renee Good’s family should file a $1 trillion defamation lawsuit against Trump, Vance, and Noem.
“We lost the colonies because our King went insane,” Charles said. “But now the shoe’s on the other bloody foot, isn’t it?”
King Restores British Rule Over U.S.
“We lost the colonies because our King went insane,” Charles added. “But now the shoe’s on the other bloody foot, isn’t it?”
www.borowitzreport.com
January 9, 2026 at 1:43 PM
“We lost the colonies because our King went insane,” Charles said. “But now the shoe’s on the other bloody foot, isn’t it?”
The ICE agent who murdered Renee Good was never in front of her car when he fired the three shots. I hope this helps Kash Patel and the FBI in their thorough investigation.
January 9, 2026 at 12:43 AM
The ICE agent who murdered Renee Good was never in front of her car when he fired the three shots. I hope this helps Kash Patel and the FBI in their thorough investigation.
JD Vance says “the far left” caused the woman to be killed in Minnesota. I think he means “the ICE agent to the left of her car.”
January 8, 2026 at 8:04 PM
JD Vance says “the far left” caused the woman to be killed in Minnesota. I think he means “the ICE agent to the left of her car.”
ICE Agents Murder Woman in Minnesota
January 7, 2026 at 7:44 PM
ICE Agents Murder Woman in Minnesota
“If anyone was going to out-dumb me, it was gonna be this guy.”
George W. Bush Celebrates No Longer Having Launched Dumbest War in U.S. History
CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Borowitz Report)—Stating, “I never dreamed this day would come,” former President George W.
www.borowitzreport.com
January 7, 2026 at 2:00 AM
“If anyone was going to out-dumb me, it was gonna be this guy.”
King Charles Seeks to Restore British Rule Over U.S.
January 6, 2026 at 10:52 PM
King Charles Seeks to Restore British Rule Over U.S.
Every subscription helps me make Stephen Miller cry.
25th Anniversary Offer Ends Soon
Dear TBR reader,
open.substack.com
January 6, 2026 at 5:08 PM
Every subscription helps me make Stephen Miller cry.
When Season 1 began with a ketamine freak breaking into government computers I had no idea that Season 2 would be about kidnapping a dictator in Venezuela
January 5, 2026 at 3:26 PM
When Season 1 began with a ketamine freak breaking into government computers I had no idea that Season 2 would be about kidnapping a dictator in Venezuela
It says something about how fucked up the world is right now that when Meet the Press announces its guests I find myself looking forward to hearing what Marjorie Taylor Greene has to say
January 5, 2026 at 1:47 AM
It says something about how fucked up the world is right now that when Meet the Press announces its guests I find myself looking forward to hearing what Marjorie Taylor Greene has to say
Scientists Baffled by Marco Rubio’s Ability to Sleep at Night
January 4, 2026 at 11:15 PM
Scientists Baffled by Marco Rubio’s Ability to Sleep at Night
In 2001, I started making up news stories and emailing them to friends. I had no idea that someday this would be how I’d make a living. I just thought it would be a fun hobby, and way better than gardening, at which I totally sucked.
The Borowitz Report Turns 25
A quarter century of making up the news.
www.borowitzreport.com
January 4, 2026 at 2:51 PM
In 2001, I started making up news stories and emailing them to friends. I had no idea that someday this would be how I’d make a living. I just thought it would be a fun hobby, and way better than gardening, at which I totally sucked.
Maduro Requests Lindsay Halligan to Prosecute Him
January 3, 2026 at 10:00 PM
Maduro Requests Lindsay Halligan to Prosecute Him
Taking whatever you want just because you can is behavior consistent with being a pedophile
January 3, 2026 at 8:01 PM
Taking whatever you want just because you can is behavior consistent with being a pedophile
Hegseth Says U.S. Will Secure Venezuela’s Tequila Distilleries
January 3, 2026 at 6:24 PM
Hegseth Says U.S. Will Secure Venezuela’s Tequila Distilleries
Trump said that Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado is not qualified to run the country because “her peace prize wasn’t awarded by FIFA.”
January 3, 2026 at 6:03 PM
Trump said that Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado is not qualified to run the country because “her peace prize wasn’t awarded by FIFA.”
George W Bush Celebrates No Longer Having Launched Dumbest War in U.S. History
January 3, 2026 at 5:58 PM
George W Bush Celebrates No Longer Having Launched Dumbest War in U.S. History
Trump Slurs Speech to Make Hegseth Appear Sober
January 3, 2026 at 5:10 PM
Trump Slurs Speech to Make Hegseth Appear Sober
Watched a full hour of CNN and they mentioned Marduro’s US indictment several times without once mentioning the drug trafficking CONVICTION of the former Honduran president, whom Trump pardoned. The joke’s on me for watching CNN—it won’t happen again
January 3, 2026 at 3:33 PM
Watched a full hour of CNN and they mentioned Marduro’s US indictment several times without once mentioning the drug trafficking CONVICTION of the former Honduran president, whom Trump pardoned. The joke’s on me for watching CNN—it won’t happen again
Bombing of Venezuela Earns Trump World Wrestling Entertainment Peace Prize
January 3, 2026 at 3:11 PM
Bombing of Venezuela Earns Trump World Wrestling Entertainment Peace Prize
The Epstein files must be worse than any of us imagined
January 3, 2026 at 2:23 PM
The Epstein files must be worse than any of us imagined
This is what happens when you read headlines too quickly: I thought Trump and his wife had been captured and flown out of the country
January 3, 2026 at 11:36 AM
This is what happens when you read headlines too quickly: I thought Trump and his wife had been captured and flown out of the country
Already gotten bombed in 2026:
1. Venezuela
2. Pete Hegseth
1. Venezuela
2. Pete Hegseth
January 3, 2026 at 11:29 AM
Already gotten bombed in 2026:
1. Venezuela
2. Pete Hegseth
1. Venezuela
2. Pete Hegseth