Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

LightNews

CEEFAUX

@ceefaux.bsky.social

3.4K followers 2 following 460 posts

The TV listings you never did know that you didn't not need, in glorious teletext several times a day. GSOH. Non-smoker preferred. Ring top bell. Your home is at risk if you store dynamite in it.

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 12h

21.00 FILM: CASINO ROYALE WITH CHEESE
What they call that James Bond film in Paris.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 1d

Well that's that ruined already

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 1d

Thanks everyone!

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 1d

22.00 FILM: EVRI-THING, EVRI-WHERE ALL AT ONCE. Award-winning multiverse adventure when you parcel is somehow at the depot, in transit, in your safe place, left with a neighbour, delayed, returned to sender, in your green bin, all at the same time- but never actually with you.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 2d

Gappy goosday

22.30 FILM: GOODGELLAS
Martin Scorcese's gangster epic performed entirely by amateur ventriloquists.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 3d

It's #mathsmonday

19.300 CHARLIE'S ANGLES
More action, adventure and basic trigonometry with the girls. This week's episode: A-cute case of poisoning.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 6d

In honour of #patriciaroutledge #richarddddddd #itspronouncedCEEFO

20.00 KEEPING UP WHATSAPPEARANCES
Hyacinth fumes when she can see that the Vicar has read her note, the two little blue ticks are there, and that every time she types her full name a bucket emoji rather than the bunch of flowers emojoi appears. Also, Richard's status is set to 'But Hyacinth...'

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 6d

Merry Christmas

22.45 FILM: DIE HARDY
When terrorists take over an LA skyscraper that they don't count on being somehow thwarted by one fat man with a little moustache who has ended up covered in ink, paint and tar and sawdust and keeps hitting his head and going 'dooohhhhh' and blaming his thin English friend.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 7d

Mother of God, it's Thursday

21.00 LINE OF DUTY FREE
Pursuing a lead at Manchester's Terminal One, Ted declares "I'm interested in one thing, and one thing only, and that's industrial sized Toblerones. And maybe cheap bottles of Gin. On, and do you have any overpriced M&M's tins?"

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 8d

Happy birthday Hugh Grant! Admittedly it was last month, but we've been busy, sorry.

21.00 FILM: NOTTING BENNY HILL. After he spills coffee all over her, Hugh Grant is chased around a posh London location at 10 times normal speed by Julia Roberts in a bra. Warning: some sax scenes.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 9d

Bring out the new listing

21.00 FILM: FORREST GIMP
Tom Hanks plays the submissive hero who goes by the motto "Mmmm mm mmmm m mmm mm mmmmmmmm".

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 10d

Happy memories from 2023 #rydercup

15.00 LIVE: THE SHAUN RYDER CUP 2023
Coverage of the prestigious events which sees the Happy Mondays front man attempt to get through three days without twisting his melons.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 10d

22.00 FILM: CHILDREN OF MEH
Distinctly average story about a something or other. TBH I was my phone during it, couldn't really say what happened. It was OK I guess, passed me by really.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 12d

22.00 FILM:
With Edward Norton and Brad Pitt.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 13d

Yes! Defo something coming soonish probably possibly - hope that clears things up.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 13d

Happy Friday...if you can

17.30 GARTH MERENGHI'S A DARKPLACE IN THE SUN
Maurice and Sheila has £350,000 to buy a Spanish property. But why did they choose Casa Del Muerto (literally Spanish for 'House of the Dead'). Why pick a house that drips with red cells, white cells, platelets and plasma (i.e. blood). It was a choice they would live to regret, although not for long as they were swallowed by a Perro del Demonio (Devil Dog - also Spanish).

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 14d

17,45 WORDLE GUMMIDGE
Listing in the form of WORDLE puzzle, innit.

SWAPS
HEADS
STOOD
STILL
SCARE
CROWS

Quite hard to explain on ALT-TEXT, sorry, so sorry.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 15d

You can get cream for that

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 15d

It's a listing for the film BIG, you know, the one where a boy wishes he was 'Big' and wakes up as Tom Hanks the next day. Anyway, enough of that, the listing is zoomed in really tight so you can hardly read it because it's the LISTING that has got big. Brilliant eh? TBH, now we've written it out we're not sure it's that funny really. We'd probably delete it if we hadn't spent ages writing all this down.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 16d

22.00 FILM: SHALLOW GRAVY
Three flatmates must hide a dead body in a limited supply of Bisto. Please note, this film contains stock footage.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 17d

19.00 THE F ALL GUY
Lee Majors stars as the man who does absolutely nothing.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 18d

21.00 UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE FLEABAGGING ARE
Turns to camera "To be honest, I think we all know the 'item' in question is absolutely expected when it comes to that area."

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 19d

#doctorwho #amillionpointstotonyslattery

18.05 DR WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?
Sci-fi series that appears to now just be being made up as they go along (knowing wink at audience).

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 20d

Don't look Mr Tumnus

16.00 FILM: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE MALFUNCTION.
Classic children's adventure tale, ruined by Aslan's tits.

CEEFAUX @ceefaux.bsky.social · 21d

No, he went on to do much funnier and critically acclaimed stuff than our rubbish (looks at phone waiting for Charlie to call, cries)