Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 13m

Years ago while working behind the bar at Glasto, I served a very drunk celebrity. He couldn't find his wallet so he gave me his Rolex. Weeks later he wrote to the brewery demanding we return his watch. Management investigated but no one knew who he'd given it to. I still have it

3 6 100

craigk328.bsky.social @craigk328.bsky.social · 39m

Ever more relevant every passing decade...

1

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 6h

Worked for a now dead national restaurant chain. After being kept on, through a period of administration and new ownership, I knew it was time to finally leave witnessing the new owner of the business instruct his team of 'shop fitters' to tile over a cockroach infestation.

8 2 130

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 7h

In my youth, aconstantly horny teenage lad, watched a lot of porn. Saw all the men were circumcised, wondered why I wasn't or should I be. Tried to sellotape my foreskin back for a few days to see if would work. It didn't. Just very uncomfortable.

13 2 110

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 5h

Was on second viewing of a house. It was lovely, my wife described it as our dream home. Called the agent to agree to pay the asking price when I noticed the 'Private drive, no turning' sign in the neighbours driveway. Couldn't live next door to that level of twatness.

13 7 170

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 4h

Best man at a wedding. Some guy they'd hired was fussing over us. He walked away and the groom said Do you think that guy looks like a Poundland Marti Pellow? I asked him if he was talking about the videographer who had just put mics on us? Yes, his wedding video ended up awful

7 2 120

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 2h

My husband of 5 years bought me £30 Lego for my birthday this year. I wouldn't mind so much, but he also bought himself £150 Lego the same day. Unfortunately he's not been able to finish his AT - ST walker as some of the pieces appear to have mysteriously gone missing. Shame.

18 15 310

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 3h

Downloaded a VPN on my phone for obvious reasons, thought I would get away with it until sitting in car with my wife and my podcast started playing adverts in bloody Spanish.

15 2 100

Reposted

CajunBlueAZ ⚜️🇺🇸 🇺🇦 @cajunblue.bsky.social · 19h

🚨Jim Carrey’s fresh out of fucks, and we are here for it!

240 3.9K 11K

Reposted

Jon Cooper @joncooper-us.bsky.social · 7h

Cartoon by wolvertoon.com.

200 2K 5.7K

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 10h

I sprint train 5 days a week and have gotten my one mile tome to 5:49. I WFH and my son's school is 0.8 miles away. If the bombs start falling I want to get to him in time to at least hold him tight. This all sounds crazy but 5 minutes reading the news makes me stick with it.

20 13 220

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 11h

Each day I put my fancy wee metal card holder in my breast pocket I wonder if today is the day it will protect me from a snipers bullet. 61 year old lawyer. Still waiting.

20 6 260

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 9h

Age 7 on my way home from school I'd stop by our local shop. Before I went in I'd suck all my fingers, then go into the shop, run my fingers through the open boxes of sugary, fizzy pick n mix sweets and leave the shop and suck all the fizzy goodness off my sticky little fingers.

13 3 98

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 8h

I started walking with a stick a while ago because my hips were really painful sometimes. Now they're a lot less painful, but if I stop using a stick I'm worried the local bus drivers will think I was faking it, so now I guess I can never go out without it.

23 3 140

craigk328.bsky.social @craigk328.bsky.social · 10h

Reposted

Simon's Cat @simonscatofficial.bsky.social · 1d

New Film Coming Soon!

19 190 1.8K

Reposted

Molly Jong-Fast @mollyjongfast.bsky.social · 18h

Solidarity is the only way

730 4.8K 21K

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 13h

I have a first class law degree, speak six languages and have published a book. I cannot understand coffee menus and have no idea how to ask for a simple coffee with milk. It's my most boomer complaint, except I was born in 1990.

58 8 310

Reposted

Stevie Bennett @steviebennett.bsky.social · 1d

1 11 62

Reposted

CREW @citizensforethics.org · 1d

America has no kings. That’s kind of the whole point.

64 510 2.8K

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 1d

Felt my partner wasn't giving me enough attention, so feigned an illness, moaning all the time coughing, pretending to shiver. Worked a treat got two days of laying around unlimited cups of tea and food on demand. Not even sorry

13 3 140

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 1d

If a song comes on the radio and I know the lyrics, I sing along but in the style of The Monster Mash, you know with that sort of sarcastic tone. It genuinely infuriates my wife to the point I think she will leave me but I can't stop.

13 6 150

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 1d

Accidentally hit the car next to me with my trolley when unloading in a supermarket car park. The woman who owned the car wasn't happy. Began yelling at me about the tiny, barely visible scratch, threatened to send her brothers after me if I didn't pay, etc. Anyway, married her.

32 7 340

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 1d

When I was a teenager, I had a part-time weekend job as a lifeguard at the local swimming pool. Thank fuck nobody drowned, because I can't swim.

18 7 240

Reposted

fesshole 🧻 @fesshole.bsky.social · 2d

Husbands just told me he's been brushing his teeth in the shower for past few months as new routine. When a toothbrush appeared on the shower shelf a few months ago I thought it was to encourage us to clean the grout on a more regular basis.

19 14 380