Dad Jokes
@dadsaysjokes.com
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Dad Jokes
@dadsaysjokes.com
· Aug 20
Shout out to everyone who can remember every word to some random 80s song but can't remember the password they created yesterday
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive?
You should try swimming with sharks...cost me an arm and a leg!
You should try swimming with sharks...cost me an arm and a leg!
November 25, 2025 at 5:06 PM
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive?
You should try swimming with sharks...cost me an arm and a leg!
You should try swimming with sharks...cost me an arm and a leg!
When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos.
She just wanted a shoulder to crayon.
She just wanted a shoulder to crayon.
November 25, 2025 at 5:05 PM
When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos.
She just wanted a shoulder to crayon.
She just wanted a shoulder to crayon.
I've never seen the movie Frozen, so I asked my 4 year old daughter to summarize it for me.
She looked at me funny and said, well if I SUMMERIZE it, then it would be called MELTED!!
She looked at me funny and said, well if I SUMMERIZE it, then it would be called MELTED!!
November 24, 2025 at 9:25 PM
I've never seen the movie Frozen, so I asked my 4 year old daughter to summarize it for me.
She looked at me funny and said, well if I SUMMERIZE it, then it would be called MELTED!!
She looked at me funny and said, well if I SUMMERIZE it, then it would be called MELTED!!
If liars' pants really did catch on fire.
Watching the news would be a lot more fun.
Watching the news would be a lot more fun.
November 24, 2025 at 9:12 PM
If liars' pants really did catch on fire.
Watching the news would be a lot more fun.
Watching the news would be a lot more fun.
So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight".
She said, "Try it with the tongue out".
I said, "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".
She said, "Try it with the tongue out".
I said, "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".
November 24, 2025 at 6:24 PM
So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight".
She said, "Try it with the tongue out".
I said, "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".
She said, "Try it with the tongue out".
I said, "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".
Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15lbs at 2am Wednesday night for Thanksgiving!
November 23, 2025 at 9:08 PM
Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15lbs at 2am Wednesday night for Thanksgiving!
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called: "Leave me the fuh cologne."
It's called: "Leave me the fuh cologne."
November 23, 2025 at 2:57 PM
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called: "Leave me the fuh cologne."
It's called: "Leave me the fuh cologne."
My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
November 23, 2025 at 2:53 PM
My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
It would be a lot less weird if she'd just let me in.
Thanksgiving Tip: Never eat food offered by an adorable toddler relative.
It might look like a cookie, but it's actually the flu.
It might look like a cookie, but it's actually the flu.
November 23, 2025 at 12:13 AM
Thanksgiving Tip: Never eat food offered by an adorable toddler relative.
It might look like a cookie, but it's actually the flu.
It might look like a cookie, but it's actually the flu.
Thanksgiving Tip: Never eat food offered by an adorable toddler relative.
It might look like a cookie, but it's actually the flu.
It might look like a cookie, but it's actually the flu.
November 23, 2025 at 12:08 AM
Thanksgiving Tip: Never eat food offered by an adorable toddler relative.
It might look like a cookie, but it's actually the flu.
It might look like a cookie, but it's actually the flu.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster
November 22, 2025 at 11:28 AM
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude to me.
She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back
She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back
November 22, 2025 at 9:46 AM
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude to me.
She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back
She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back
When you fart it can be either silent or loud
And then there’s the turd option.
And then there’s the turd option.
November 21, 2025 at 9:41 AM
When you fart it can be either silent or loud
And then there’s the turd option.
And then there’s the turd option.
I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore.
Guess it's time for a new keyboard
Guess it's time for a new keyboard
November 21, 2025 at 9:40 AM
I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore.
Guess it's time for a new keyboard
Guess it's time for a new keyboard
[Walks into bookstore]
Me: Do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
Me: Do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
November 20, 2025 at 8:56 PM
[Walks into bookstore]
Me: Do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
Me: Do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
99.99% of people are idiots.
I'm just happy I belong to the 1%.
I'm just happy I belong to the 1%.
November 20, 2025 at 8:55 PM
99.99% of people are idiots.
I'm just happy I belong to the 1%.
I'm just happy I belong to the 1%.
As a mom, I sleep peacefully knowing that if someone breaks in, they'll trip over my kids' toys and meet their end.
November 19, 2025 at 9:53 PM
As a mom, I sleep peacefully knowing that if someone breaks in, they'll trip over my kids' toys and meet their end.
I gave my friend an apple.
He said he'd prefer a pear, so I gave him another apple.
He said he'd prefer a pear, so I gave him another apple.
November 19, 2025 at 9:47 PM
I gave my friend an apple.
He said he'd prefer a pear, so I gave him another apple.
He said he'd prefer a pear, so I gave him another apple.
l've decided not to renew my prescription glasses.
I've seen enough.
I've seen enough.
November 19, 2025 at 9:34 PM
l've decided not to renew my prescription glasses.
I've seen enough.
I've seen enough.
Two slices of bread got married.
The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
November 18, 2025 at 10:35 PM
Two slices of bread got married.
The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.
I told her it's because it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
I told her it's because it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
November 18, 2025 at 10:27 PM
My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.
I told her it's because it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
I told her it's because it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest.
The man enters the bank.
Man: I'm here to find out about the mortgage.
Bank manager: I don't really care.
The man enters the bank.
Man: I'm here to find out about the mortgage.
Bank manager: I don't really care.
November 18, 2025 at 10:25 PM
A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest.
The man enters the bank.
Man: I'm here to find out about the mortgage.
Bank manager: I don't really care.
The man enters the bank.
Man: I'm here to find out about the mortgage.
Bank manager: I don't really care.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.
She said: "How about walking through the room naked?"
She said: "How about walking through the room naked?"
November 18, 2025 at 10:23 PM
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off.
She said: "How about walking through the room naked?"
She said: "How about walking through the room naked?"