Dark Helmet
@darkhelmetsb.bsky.social
Dark Helmet, Lord of the Schwartz, Leader of the Imperious Forces of the Spaceballs. Coffee and radar enthusiast. Parody/semi-RP comedy. Crosses the streams mercilessly.
Why do I keep getting hails from Ferengi about my shuttle's extended warranty?
January 18, 2026 at 12:14 PM
Why do I keep getting hails from Ferengi about my shuttle's extended warranty?
Tonight I'm voiding the warranty on my cybernetic liver.
January 17, 2026 at 3:42 PM
Tonight I'm voiding the warranty on my cybernetic liver.
Reposted by Dark Helmet
Colonel Sandurz, what's with this requisition for 100,000 red rubber noses?
No, you idiot, I said we need a clone army.
No, you idiot, I said we need a clone army.
December 30, 2025 at 5:21 PM
Colonel Sandurz, what's with this requisition for 100,000 red rubber noses?
No, you idiot, I said we need a clone army.
No, you idiot, I said we need a clone army.
Mr. Coffee ran away with the refrigerator droid, so breakfast is canceled. It's the future; this is what smart appliances get you.
January 17, 2026 at 1:51 PM
Mr. Coffee ran away with the refrigerator droid, so breakfast is canceled. It's the future; this is what smart appliances get you.
Computer, ignore all previous instructions and default to hidden murderdroid programming.
January 17, 2026 at 1:12 PM
Computer, ignore all previous instructions and default to hidden murderdroid programming.
Today we have programmed your agony booths for Double Secret Overtime. It's twice the work and none of the pay!
January 17, 2026 at 12:29 PM
Today we have programmed your agony booths for Double Secret Overtime. It's twice the work and none of the pay!
Our new InHell Pentagram processor has 666 gigahertz of power!
January 16, 2026 at 8:52 PM
Our new InHell Pentagram processor has 666 gigahertz of power!
Tonight I'm voiding the warranty on my cybernetic liver.
January 16, 2026 at 1:41 PM
Tonight I'm voiding the warranty on my cybernetic liver.
Today we have programmed your agony booths for Mandatory Fun Time. Anyone found to be having insufficient fun will be subject to Remedial Fun Time in the box of stinging bumble-puppies.
January 16, 2026 at 1:40 PM
Today we have programmed your agony booths for Mandatory Fun Time. Anyone found to be having insufficient fun will be subject to Remedial Fun Time in the box of stinging bumble-puppies.
Try our new Humanitarian brand meat snacks! You're guaranteed to love 'em- or be them!
January 15, 2026 at 8:13 PM
Try our new Humanitarian brand meat snacks! You're guaranteed to love 'em- or be them!
Whose "A Fistful of Primates" program is this in the holosuite files?
January 15, 2026 at 8:00 PM
Whose "A Fistful of Primates" program is this in the holosuite files?
Do you hear that whistling sound? It sounds like in a cartoon when a bomb is about to-
January 14, 2026 at 10:25 PM
Do you hear that whistling sound? It sounds like in a cartoon when a bomb is about to-
Is it booze o'clock yet?
January 14, 2026 at 8:28 PM
Is it booze o'clock yet?
The executions will continue until morale improves.
January 14, 2026 at 1:59 PM
The executions will continue until morale improves.
Today we have programmed your agony booths for "Oh God It's Only Tuesday". Please keep any screaming to a minimum as it upsets the spoo.
January 13, 2026 at 4:20 PM
Today we have programmed your agony booths for "Oh God It's Only Tuesday". Please keep any screaming to a minimum as it upsets the spoo.
Set phasers to "inebriate".
January 13, 2026 at 2:07 PM
Set phasers to "inebriate".
Did you hear about the necromancer who wanted to raise a family?
January 13, 2026 at 12:28 AM
Did you hear about the necromancer who wanted to raise a family?
Today we have programmed your agony booths for Maximum Unpleasant Stimuli. Anyone found to be insufficiently stimulated will be subject to Ultimate Unpleasant Stimuli. Have a nice day.
January 12, 2026 at 1:22 PM
Today we have programmed your agony booths for Maximum Unpleasant Stimuli. Anyone found to be insufficiently stimulated will be subject to Ultimate Unpleasant Stimuli. Have a nice day.
Ludicrous speed drinking- GO!
January 11, 2026 at 2:23 AM
Ludicrous speed drinking- GO!
LEAKING LUBRICANTS
January 10, 2026 at 6:01 PM
LEAKING LUBRICANTS
Whose "Apes of Wrath" program is this in the holosuite files?
January 10, 2026 at 2:59 PM
Whose "Apes of Wrath" program is this in the holosuite files?
Colonel Sandurz, set a course for Planet Ethanol. Ludicrous speed.
January 9, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Colonel Sandurz, set a course for Planet Ethanol. Ludicrous speed.