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Doc Hap

@drhappyknuckles.bsky.social

440 followers 290 following 1.9K posts

Your relatively cool non-threatening dorky internet dad. I have no agenda. A tangled pulsating mass of neurosis and privilege. I’m sick of these bozos at city hall.

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · Jan 28

STORY TIME! Things are pretty grim these days, so allow me to regale you with the heartwarming tale of the time I ‘subbed in’ for a lesbian at my senior prom. I’m doing this while cooking dinner and getting my kids to sleep, so apologies in advance if it takes awhile. (1/?)

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 5d

I’ll nominate Donald Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize myself if he shuts up and lets me think for five fucking minutes.

Reposted by Doc Hap

Bloody Mary (mirror entity, not cocktail) @marygillis.bsky.social · 5d

Murder! at the Vicarage

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 6d

Hear me out guys: Tai Chi orgy.

Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 6d

I’m afraid that I have made the difficult choice to begin charging you motherfuckers rent for living in my head.

Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 11d

Thinking of starting an OnlyFans for people who get off on middle-aged men eating entire pizzas and crying.

Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 11d

Exciting news guys, I just found a tiny little quadrant of my psyche that has no emotional wounds.

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 13d

Had sex today. Pleasantly surprised. Should’ve given this a try when I was younger.

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 13d

Always thought I’d eventually, reluctantly have to give up on Bill Burr. Never in a million years thought it would involve Saudi blood money.

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 18d

Unfinished analogies are like screwdrivers

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 18d

Jesus I’m so sorry, that sucks. Hey, if you want to hang around bluesky but not laugh you could read only my tweets until you get better? Just spitballing.

Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 18d

*slides into your dms* I have an eyebrow fetish.

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 18d

CFO OF A LASER COMPANY (speaking on an earnings call): In summary, we’re ’laser-focused’ on maximizing investor returns this quarter! Ha-ha, see what I did there? Seriously, though, this new government contract to build a weapon that shoots immigrants from space is fantastic news.

Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 20d

Hey, did you guys know that there’s a building full of toxic garbage right in the middle of Austin, Texas? It’s called the Comedy Mothership.

Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 20d

Sometimes I eat things simply to confirm that I’m not a ghost yet.

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 20d

Gonna sabotage every goddamn escalator Trump rides from now on, just try to stop me.

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 22d

Hey y’all. It’s my birthday! On July 24th, 2024 I was so close to dying that I coded in the ER and the doctors were telling my family I might be brain dead even if I made it. Today I’m gonna show my kids ‘E.T.’ for the first time. Don’t let the bastards fool you: being alive is worth it.

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · 28d

Seriously though guys who much does this all suck?

Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · Sep 13

I like to ‘gamify’ my sex life by allowing women to ‘deduct points’ for everything I do in bed that ‘makes them wish they were having sex with a different person.’

Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · Sep 11

Imagine what would happen if every single dead kid in Gaza were treated like Charlie Kirk.

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · Sep 11

You know why they’re being so vague about the guy who shot Charlie Kirk? Because it was Jeffrey Epstein.

Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · Sep 11

This sucks, they don’t even assassinate cool people anymore.

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · Sep 11

Jeffrey Epstein (with a flaming pitchfork up his ass): Welcome to hell, Mr Kirk. I’ll show you to your room.

Reposted by Doc Hap

Cat Randall the Vampire Queen @catrandall.bsky.social · Sep 11

Amateur archeologist uncovers tomb of amateur mummy.

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Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · Sep 11

More like Charlie Jerk amirite folks

Doc Hap @drhappyknuckles.bsky.social · Sep 11

You’re hired