Politics of Attachment | Dylan Smeder
@dylansmeder.bsky.social
Conversations about attachment theory stay personal.
But the work runs deeper—through politics, power, and the ways they shape how we love and feel safe.
I help people cultivate compassion and clarity that includes those realities.
dylansmeder.com
But the work runs deeper—through politics, power, and the ways they shape how we love and feel safe.
I help people cultivate compassion and clarity that includes those realities.
dylansmeder.com
Pinned
am I a feminist?
feminism is protecting you from gods wrath.
the second women realize that they can just enjoy the miserable lives of anyone who doesn't have their respect. Its easy to "play" submissive.
good luck. i don't matter. also, fuck capital letters
feminism is protecting you from gods wrath.
the second women realize that they can just enjoy the miserable lives of anyone who doesn't have their respect. Its easy to "play" submissive.
good luck. i don't matter. also, fuck capital letters
The male loneliness epidemic is real ... and men created it. We’re the ones who have to fix it. Blaming women instead of confronting patriarchy is half the problem. The other half is learning vulnerability, emotional honesty, and how to validate our own feelings.
December 12, 2025 at 5:07 AM
The male loneliness epidemic is real ... and men created it. We’re the ones who have to fix it. Blaming women instead of confronting patriarchy is half the problem. The other half is learning vulnerability, emotional honesty, and how to validate our own feelings.
Our reactions in conflict aren’t random.
They’re old instructions.
Move closer. Pull away. Freeze.
Your body is not overreacting. It is remembering the world that raised it.
Healing is helping it learn which rules still apply.
They’re old instructions.
Move closer. Pull away. Freeze.
Your body is not overreacting. It is remembering the world that raised it.
Healing is helping it learn which rules still apply.
December 11, 2025 at 7:20 PM
Our reactions in conflict aren’t random.
They’re old instructions.
Move closer. Pull away. Freeze.
Your body is not overreacting. It is remembering the world that raised it.
Healing is helping it learn which rules still apply.
They’re old instructions.
Move closer. Pull away. Freeze.
Your body is not overreacting. It is remembering the world that raised it.
Healing is helping it learn which rules still apply.
Your attachment style didn’t form in a vacuum.
Your body learned safety from the world around you.
Some were taught to shrink, some to hold steady, some to stay quiet.
These aren’t personal flaws.
They’re the rules your nervous system learned to survive.
Your body learned safety from the world around you.
Some were taught to shrink, some to hold steady, some to stay quiet.
These aren’t personal flaws.
They’re the rules your nervous system learned to survive.
December 11, 2025 at 7:20 PM
Your attachment style didn’t form in a vacuum.
Your body learned safety from the world around you.
Some were taught to shrink, some to hold steady, some to stay quiet.
These aren’t personal flaws.
They’re the rules your nervous system learned to survive.
Your body learned safety from the world around you.
Some were taught to shrink, some to hold steady, some to stay quiet.
These aren’t personal flaws.
They’re the rules your nervous system learned to survive.
Reposted by Politics of Attachment | Dylan Smeder
Sometimes I think white peoples obsession with rewhitening media is a form of self-soothing, like sucking your thumb. if all the lantern jawed manly white men and submissive blonde thin women return, things will be okay again and the world won’t be so scary again.
Sometimes it’s just racism.
Sometimes it’s just racism.
Hiring a Black woman: “identity politics”
Hiring a white guy for a job that has been held disproportionately by white guys, because he is a white guy: “subverting” identity politics!
(The author of this sentence is Dylan Byers; you will not be surprised to learn that he is a white guy.)
Hiring a white guy for a job that has been held disproportionately by white guys, because he is a white guy: “subverting” identity politics!
(The author of this sentence is Dylan Byers; you will not be surprised to learn that he is a white guy.)
December 11, 2025 at 12:10 PM
Sometimes I think white peoples obsession with rewhitening media is a form of self-soothing, like sucking your thumb. if all the lantern jawed manly white men and submissive blonde thin women return, things will be okay again and the world won’t be so scary again.
Sometimes it’s just racism.
Sometimes it’s just racism.
People who carry the greater risk in relationships learn to monitor every shift in tone.
When honesty comes with consequences, the nervous system adapts instead of relaxing.
What you feel is not overreacting. It is history in your body.
When honesty comes with consequences, the nervous system adapts instead of relaxing.
What you feel is not overreacting. It is history in your body.
December 8, 2025 at 8:05 PM
People who carry the greater risk in relationships learn to monitor every shift in tone.
When honesty comes with consequences, the nervous system adapts instead of relaxing.
What you feel is not overreacting. It is history in your body.
When honesty comes with consequences, the nervous system adapts instead of relaxing.
What you feel is not overreacting. It is history in your body.
People with the least protection learn to stay alert because safety was never guaranteed.
Unequal consequences shape how connection feels long before love enters the picture.
Your reactions are not flaws. They are survival.
Unequal consequences shape how connection feels long before love enters the picture.
Your reactions are not flaws. They are survival.
December 8, 2025 at 8:05 PM
People with the least protection learn to stay alert because safety was never guaranteed.
Unequal consequences shape how connection feels long before love enters the picture.
Your reactions are not flaws. They are survival.
Unequal consequences shape how connection feels long before love enters the picture.
Your reactions are not flaws. They are survival.
Walking on eggshells isn’t overreacting.
It’s your body scanning for danger it learned to expect.
Hypervigilance isn’t your fault.
It’s what kept you safe.
It’s your body scanning for danger it learned to expect.
Hypervigilance isn’t your fault.
It’s what kept you safe.
December 7, 2025 at 7:01 PM
Walking on eggshells isn’t overreacting.
It’s your body scanning for danger it learned to expect.
Hypervigilance isn’t your fault.
It’s what kept you safe.
It’s your body scanning for danger it learned to expect.
Hypervigilance isn’t your fault.
It’s what kept you safe.
When a system is designed around men, women pay with their lives.
CPR training uses flat-chested manikins, so people panic when faced with a real woman.
This isn’t hesitation. It’s a design failure that turns gender bias into fatal outcomes.
CPR training uses flat-chested manikins, so people panic when faced with a real woman.
This isn’t hesitation. It’s a design failure that turns gender bias into fatal outcomes.
December 7, 2025 at 7:00 PM
When a system is designed around men, women pay with their lives.
CPR training uses flat-chested manikins, so people panic when faced with a real woman.
This isn’t hesitation. It’s a design failure that turns gender bias into fatal outcomes.
CPR training uses flat-chested manikins, so people panic when faced with a real woman.
This isn’t hesitation. It’s a design failure that turns gender bias into fatal outcomes.
Who Systems Train Us to Be
Systems shape our emotional instincts long before we recognize them.
We learn who is allowed softness and who must endure.
We learn who receives empathy and who is expected to absorb the impact.
The body carries these rules forward like muscle memory.
Systems shape our emotional instincts long before we recognize them.
We learn who is allowed softness and who must endure.
We learn who receives empathy and who is expected to absorb the impact.
The body carries these rules forward like muscle memory.
December 5, 2025 at 6:34 PM
Who Systems Train Us to Be
Systems shape our emotional instincts long before we recognize them.
We learn who is allowed softness and who must endure.
We learn who receives empathy and who is expected to absorb the impact.
The body carries these rules forward like muscle memory.
Systems shape our emotional instincts long before we recognize them.
We learn who is allowed softness and who must endure.
We learn who receives empathy and who is expected to absorb the impact.
The body carries these rules forward like muscle memory.
How Control Hides Behind a Story
Controlling behavior often comes with a story meant to justify it.
But the story is not the healing.
It is the shield that protects the pattern.
Accountability begins when the pattern is named, not when the story is repeated.
Controlling behavior often comes with a story meant to justify it.
But the story is not the healing.
It is the shield that protects the pattern.
Accountability begins when the pattern is named, not when the story is repeated.
December 5, 2025 at 6:21 PM
How Control Hides Behind a Story
Controlling behavior often comes with a story meant to justify it.
But the story is not the healing.
It is the shield that protects the pattern.
Accountability begins when the pattern is named, not when the story is repeated.
Controlling behavior often comes with a story meant to justify it.
But the story is not the healing.
It is the shield that protects the pattern.
Accountability begins when the pattern is named, not when the story is repeated.
What Secure Behavior Actually Looks Like
Security often looks quiet.
It is conflict that stays real and contained, boundaries that do not punish, and honesty that does not blow up the room.
What looks like “calm personality” is really a body that finally feels safe enough to stay present.
Security often looks quiet.
It is conflict that stays real and contained, boundaries that do not punish, and honesty that does not blow up the room.
What looks like “calm personality” is really a body that finally feels safe enough to stay present.
December 5, 2025 at 5:43 PM
What Secure Behavior Actually Looks Like
Security often looks quiet.
It is conflict that stays real and contained, boundaries that do not punish, and honesty that does not blow up the room.
What looks like “calm personality” is really a body that finally feels safe enough to stay present.
Security often looks quiet.
It is conflict that stays real and contained, boundaries that do not punish, and honesty that does not blow up the room.
What looks like “calm personality” is really a body that finally feels safe enough to stay present.
Many of us learned our position in the system before we learned our own needs.
The body adapts to survive the rules around it and only later asks what it actually wants.
The body adapts to survive the rules around it and only later asks what it actually wants.
December 4, 2025 at 7:24 PM
Many of us learned our position in the system before we learned our own needs.
The body adapts to survive the rules around it and only later asks what it actually wants.
The body adapts to survive the rules around it and only later asks what it actually wants.
Unexamined childhood power patterns show up again and again until they are confronted.
The body holds familiar roles long after we have outgrown the people who taught them.
The body holds familiar roles long after we have outgrown the people who taught them.
December 4, 2025 at 7:21 PM
Unexamined childhood power patterns show up again and again until they are confronted.
The body holds familiar roles long after we have outgrown the people who taught them.
The body holds familiar roles long after we have outgrown the people who taught them.
Conflict activates old alarms. Your reactions come from what once kept you safe, not who you are.
December 4, 2025 at 5:36 PM
Conflict activates old alarms. Your reactions come from what once kept you safe, not who you are.
Bigotry walks, not leaps.
"It was a joke."
"Relax."
"You're imagining it."
Each line is a tiny permission slip for what comes next.
"It was a joke."
"Relax."
"You're imagining it."
Each line is a tiny permission slip for what comes next.
December 3, 2025 at 6:48 PM
Bigotry walks, not leaps.
"It was a joke."
"Relax."
"You're imagining it."
Each line is a tiny permission slip for what comes next.
"It was a joke."
"Relax."
"You're imagining it."
Each line is a tiny permission slip for what comes next.
A lot of what we call personality began as training.
Families and culture teach who breaks down and who holds everyone else together.
Families and culture teach who breaks down and who holds everyone else together.
December 3, 2025 at 5:50 PM
A lot of what we call personality began as training.
Families and culture teach who breaks down and who holds everyone else together.
Families and culture teach who breaks down and who holds everyone else together.
There is a strange relief in overstepping boundaries.
"I got what I wanted" comes first.
Reflection rarely follows.
"I got what I wanted" comes first.
Reflection rarely follows.
December 3, 2025 at 5:20 PM
There is a strange relief in overstepping boundaries.
"I got what I wanted" comes first.
Reflection rarely follows.
"I got what I wanted" comes first.
Reflection rarely follows.
Your attachment system notices tiny changes in tone or distance because once those shifts meant danger.
Your body is not overreacting. It is remembering.
Your body is not overreacting. It is remembering.
December 3, 2025 at 3:19 PM
Your attachment system notices tiny changes in tone or distance because once those shifts meant danger.
Your body is not overreacting. It is remembering.
Your body is not overreacting. It is remembering.
THE DEFLECTION
Bigotry hides behind “I didn’t mean it,” “you’re too sensitive,” and “it was a joke.”
The goal is always the same: move attention away from the harm.
#TheBigotryPlaybook 6/26
Bigotry hides behind “I didn’t mean it,” “you’re too sensitive,” and “it was a joke.”
The goal is always the same: move attention away from the harm.
#TheBigotryPlaybook 6/26
December 2, 2025 at 7:25 PM
THE DEFLECTION
Bigotry hides behind “I didn’t mean it,” “you’re too sensitive,” and “it was a joke.”
The goal is always the same: move attention away from the harm.
#TheBigotryPlaybook 6/26
Bigotry hides behind “I didn’t mean it,” “you’re too sensitive,” and “it was a joke.”
The goal is always the same: move attention away from the harm.
#TheBigotryPlaybook 6/26
THE EMOTIONAL ECONOMY
Systems teach us whose feelings matter and whose stay quiet.
Some learn to apologize first. Others learn they never have to.
These rules shape relationships without ever being spoken.
#RaisedBySystems 6/26
Systems teach us whose feelings matter and whose stay quiet.
Some learn to apologize first. Others learn they never have to.
These rules shape relationships without ever being spoken.
#RaisedBySystems 6/26
December 2, 2025 at 7:07 PM
THE EMOTIONAL ECONOMY
Systems teach us whose feelings matter and whose stay quiet.
Some learn to apologize first. Others learn they never have to.
These rules shape relationships without ever being spoken.
#RaisedBySystems 6/26
Systems teach us whose feelings matter and whose stay quiet.
Some learn to apologize first. Others learn they never have to.
These rules shape relationships without ever being spoken.
#RaisedBySystems 6/26
WHY IT STICKS
People cling to unfair power because it feels easier than negotiating needs or facing insecurity.
Control becomes a shortcut that never leads to closeness.
#WherePowerLives 6/26
People cling to unfair power because it feels easier than negotiating needs or facing insecurity.
Control becomes a shortcut that never leads to closeness.
#WherePowerLives 6/26
December 2, 2025 at 5:52 PM
WHY IT STICKS
People cling to unfair power because it feels easier than negotiating needs or facing insecurity.
Control becomes a shortcut that never leads to closeness.
#WherePowerLives 6/26
People cling to unfair power because it feels easier than negotiating needs or facing insecurity.
Control becomes a shortcut that never leads to closeness.
#WherePowerLives 6/26
Your body remembers patterns that formed long before you had language.
Tension in the throat. A shift in breathing.
A sudden urge to pull close or push away.
These responses were once solutions.
What signals does your body feel when safety becomes uncertain?
#SignalsNSurvival 6/26
Tension in the throat. A shift in breathing.
A sudden urge to pull close or push away.
These responses were once solutions.
What signals does your body feel when safety becomes uncertain?
#SignalsNSurvival 6/26
December 2, 2025 at 4:56 PM
Your body remembers patterns that formed long before you had language.
Tension in the throat. A shift in breathing.
A sudden urge to pull close or push away.
These responses were once solutions.
What signals does your body feel when safety becomes uncertain?
#SignalsNSurvival 6/26
Tension in the throat. A shift in breathing.
A sudden urge to pull close or push away.
These responses were once solutions.
What signals does your body feel when safety becomes uncertain?
#SignalsNSurvival 6/26
THE WARM-UP
Bigotry rarely starts with hate.
It starts with “I’m just saying,” “I’m just asking,” or “I didn’t mean it like that.”
Denial is always the warm-up.
#TheBigotryPlaybook 5/26
Bigotry rarely starts with hate.
It starts with “I’m just saying,” “I’m just asking,” or “I didn’t mean it like that.”
Denial is always the warm-up.
#TheBigotryPlaybook 5/26
December 1, 2025 at 5:03 PM
THE WARM-UP
Bigotry rarely starts with hate.
It starts with “I’m just saying,” “I’m just asking,” or “I didn’t mean it like that.”
Denial is always the warm-up.
#TheBigotryPlaybook 5/26
Bigotry rarely starts with hate.
It starts with “I’m just saying,” “I’m just asking,” or “I didn’t mean it like that.”
Denial is always the warm-up.
#TheBigotryPlaybook 5/26
THE ORIGINAL BLUEPRINT
Families, schools, and culture taught us who gets to express, who holds it together, who apologizes first, and who never gets forgiven.
Most patterns were learned long before you chose them.
#RaisedbySystems 5/26
Families, schools, and culture taught us who gets to express, who holds it together, who apologizes first, and who never gets forgiven.
Most patterns were learned long before you chose them.
#RaisedbySystems 5/26
December 1, 2025 at 4:48 PM
THE ORIGINAL BLUEPRINT
Families, schools, and culture taught us who gets to express, who holds it together, who apologizes first, and who never gets forgiven.
Most patterns were learned long before you chose them.
#RaisedbySystems 5/26
Families, schools, and culture taught us who gets to express, who holds it together, who apologizes first, and who never gets forgiven.
Most patterns were learned long before you chose them.
#RaisedbySystems 5/26
THE REFRAME (MIC DROP)
If someone needs you to shrink so they can feel stable, that isn’t partnership. It is emotional rent collection.
#WherePowerLives 5/26
If someone needs you to shrink so they can feel stable, that isn’t partnership. It is emotional rent collection.
#WherePowerLives 5/26
December 1, 2025 at 4:26 PM
THE REFRAME (MIC DROP)
If someone needs you to shrink so they can feel stable, that isn’t partnership. It is emotional rent collection.
#WherePowerLives 5/26
If someone needs you to shrink so they can feel stable, that isn’t partnership. It is emotional rent collection.
#WherePowerLives 5/26