@fiveankles.bsky.social
Heavy sighs, repressed emotions, and, erm, penalty decisions. . .
Stockley Park - the VAR period drama coming to ITV 1
January 9, 2026 at 3:45 PM
Heavy sighs, repressed emotions, and, erm, penalty decisions. . .
If the history of life on earth is condensed into a single day, then humans did not appear until 11:59pm and 59 seconds, so one second before midnight.
And if you look closely you can see James Milner coming on for his first Premier League appearance.
And if you look closely you can see James Milner coming on for his first Premier League appearance.
a man with a beard is wearing a blue shirt that says brighton united
ALT: a man with a beard is wearing a blue shirt that says brighton united
media.tenor.com
January 9, 2026 at 11:43 AM
If the history of life on earth is condensed into a single day, then humans did not appear until 11:59pm and 59 seconds, so one second before midnight.
And if you look closely you can see James Milner coming on for his first Premier League appearance.
And if you look closely you can see James Milner coming on for his first Premier League appearance.
It weren't like this in my day.
November 12, 2025 at 11:51 AM
It weren't like this in my day.
When I went back to Derby County, I booed myself in my own face.
Should players be booed at their former clubs?
November 11, 2025 at 3:21 PM
When I went back to Derby County, I booed myself in my own face.
In advance of a live appearance this evening in Bethnal Green (tickets here: backyardcomedyclub.co.uk/event/link/?...) I am reminded of another speaking engagement a few years ago:
October 29, 2025 at 12:15 PM
In advance of a live appearance this evening in Bethnal Green (tickets here: backyardcomedyclub.co.uk/event/link/?...) I am reminded of another speaking engagement a few years ago:
October 21, 2025 at 9:47 AM
I have sympathy for Ekitike.
Here are three of my sendings off when I should have known better:
🧵
1. Scoring a tap-in for Stockport County and then attempting to celebrate by re-enacting the entire opening credits of Baywatch across the length of the pitch.
Here are three of my sendings off when I should have known better:
🧵
1. Scoring a tap-in for Stockport County and then attempting to celebrate by re-enacting the entire opening credits of Baywatch across the length of the pitch.
a silhouette of a man standing on a beach with the word bay in the foreground
ALT: a silhouette of a man standing on a beach with the word bay in the foreground
media.tenor.com
September 24, 2025 at 12:21 PM
I have sympathy for Ekitike.
Here are three of my sendings off when I should have known better:
🧵
1. Scoring a tap-in for Stockport County and then attempting to celebrate by re-enacting the entire opening credits of Baywatch across the length of the pitch.
Here are three of my sendings off when I should have known better:
🧵
1. Scoring a tap-in for Stockport County and then attempting to celebrate by re-enacting the entire opening credits of Baywatch across the length of the pitch.
I once got sent off for time-wasting while taking a throw-in. The ball boy hadn't given me the ball back yet. First, and I think ONLY, red card for waiting politely.
September 11, 2025 at 2:30 PM
I once got sent off for time-wasting while taking a throw-in. The ball boy hadn't given me the ball back yet. First, and I think ONLY, red card for waiting politely.
Nuno gave hope and the whiff of success to Nottingham Forest and no true fan wants that. What they crave is finishing 17th whilst having a 'bloody good bloke' in charge and that's exactly what Ange will deliver. Best of luck to them. Great club management.
September 9, 2025 at 2:24 PM
Nuno gave hope and the whiff of success to Nottingham Forest and no true fan wants that. What they crave is finishing 17th whilst having a 'bloody good bloke' in charge and that's exactly what Ange will deliver. Best of luck to them. Great club management.
England beating Andorra 2-0 is like turning up late to a five-a-side and still managing to nutmeg your own cousin. Job done, but nobody’s clapping. Not sure where Serbia is, it's somewhere down the back of Europe's sofa- but be warned, they do have actual footballers.
September 8, 2025 at 9:36 AM
England beating Andorra 2-0 is like turning up late to a five-a-side and still managing to nutmeg your own cousin. Job done, but nobody’s clapping. Not sure where Serbia is, it's somewhere down the back of Europe's sofa- but be warned, they do have actual footballers.
Transfer Deadline Day’s gone mad — Nadine Dorries completes shock move to Reform on a free. Meanwhile, Angela Rayner thought she'd scored a housing winner only to have it chalked off for offside in the Stamp Duty box. And then something about Nigel Farage and football.
September 5, 2025 at 3:20 PM
Transfer Deadline Day’s gone mad — Nadine Dorries completes shock move to Reform on a free. Meanwhile, Angela Rayner thought she'd scored a housing winner only to have it chalked off for offside in the Stamp Duty box. And then something about Nigel Farage and football.
Bloody Colin. He wouldn't last three minutes in the ring with my mate Steve Bould.
"I painted a St George's Cross on a roundabout. What have YOU done for this country?"
August 27, 2025 at 1:58 PM
Bloody Colin. He wouldn't last three minutes in the ring with my mate Steve Bould.
Wrexham are actually owned by a couple of Hollywood actors. They should flag that up more. . .
August 20, 2025 at 10:06 AM
Wrexham are actually owned by a couple of Hollywood actors. They should flag that up more. . .
The Premier League is back!
Liverpool will concede.
Bournemouth are the wasps in the picnic basket of football.
Plus, why I hate Rod f@$%ing Wallace. . .
Liverpool will concede.
Bournemouth are the wasps in the picnic basket of football.
Plus, why I hate Rod f@$%ing Wallace. . .
August 15, 2025 at 2:52 PM
The Premier League is back!
Liverpool will concede.
Bournemouth are the wasps in the picnic basket of football.
Plus, why I hate Rod f@$%ing Wallace. . .
Liverpool will concede.
Bournemouth are the wasps in the picnic basket of football.
Plus, why I hate Rod f@$%ing Wallace. . .
My pick for this coming season's Dark Horses: Manchester United.
Man United are dark horses this year.
All they need to do is fix the defence, sort out the midfield, learn how to score goals again, adopt a coherent tactical system and completely overhaul the dressing room mentality, according to Ian @fiveankles.bsky.social
All they need to do is fix the defence, sort out the midfield, learn how to score goals again, adopt a coherent tactical system and completely overhaul the dressing room mentality, according to Ian @fiveankles.bsky.social
August 6, 2025 at 1:10 PM
My pick for this coming season's Dark Horses: Manchester United.
Ian's take on Juventus being in the Oval Office as President Trump talks about the possibility of bombing Iran.
June 20, 2025 at 11:15 AM
Ian's take on Juventus being in the Oval Office as President Trump talks about the possibility of bombing Iran.
Was my absolute pleasure to appear on this week's NonCensored podast and explain all about what Gary Lineker has been doing when he's been doing the things he should not have been doing.
On tomorrow’s NonCensored, former professional footballer turned current pundit Ian Fiveankles weighs in on Gary Linekergate
Watch now on our Patreon, or subscribe now to get it first thing tomorrow
Patreon.com/NonCensored
Podfollow.com/NonCensored
Watch now on our Patreon, or subscribe now to get it first thing tomorrow
Patreon.com/NonCensored
Podfollow.com/NonCensored
May 23, 2025 at 10:34 AM
Was my absolute pleasure to appear on this week's NonCensored podast and explain all about what Gary Lineker has been doing when he's been doing the things he should not have been doing.
Man Utd probably need more than hope, nostalgia and Bruno Fernandes if they’ve going to get anything from this game.
May 21, 2025 at 8:27 PM
Man Utd probably need more than hope, nostalgia and Bruno Fernandes if they’ve going to get anything from this game.
Second half begins.
United look like scolded kittens.
Spurs looking like someone’s offered them a biscuit and they’re trying to decide if it’s worth the calories.
United look like scolded kittens.
Spurs looking like someone’s offered them a biscuit and they’re trying to decide if it’s worth the calories.
May 21, 2025 at 8:08 PM
Second half begins.
United look like scolded kittens.
Spurs looking like someone’s offered them a biscuit and they’re trying to decide if it’s worth the calories.
United look like scolded kittens.
Spurs looking like someone’s offered them a biscuit and they’re trying to decide if it’s worth the calories.
Spurs score the kind of goal the game deserved.
A hopeful punt into the box, Luke Shaw bats it with his arm, Johnson waggles a foot at it (and misses) and the ball thinks “fuck this, I’m bored, I’m going to try hiding just beyond the goal line”.
Scenes.
A hopeful punt into the box, Luke Shaw bats it with his arm, Johnson waggles a foot at it (and misses) and the ball thinks “fuck this, I’m bored, I’m going to try hiding just beyond the goal line”.
Scenes.
May 21, 2025 at 7:47 PM
Spurs score the kind of goal the game deserved.
A hopeful punt into the box, Luke Shaw bats it with his arm, Johnson waggles a foot at it (and misses) and the ball thinks “fuck this, I’m bored, I’m going to try hiding just beyond the goal line”.
Scenes.
A hopeful punt into the box, Luke Shaw bats it with his arm, Johnson waggles a foot at it (and misses) and the ball thinks “fuck this, I’m bored, I’m going to try hiding just beyond the goal line”.
Scenes.
Something quite insane thinking about how one of these teams will be playing the likes of Bayern Munich and Real Madrid next season.
May 21, 2025 at 7:35 PM
Something quite insane thinking about how one of these teams will be playing the likes of Bayern Munich and Real Madrid next season.
Both sides showing strong ability to not-quite-be-in-control of anything.
Exciting though.
Exciting though.
May 21, 2025 at 7:22 PM
Both sides showing strong ability to not-quite-be-in-control of anything.
Exciting though.
Exciting though.
Would be interested to see the xG stats here. Man Utd all over it so far.
May 21, 2025 at 7:09 PM
Would be interested to see the xG stats here. Man Utd all over it so far.