Gary Delaney Comedian
@garydelaney.bsky.social
I’m a British one liner comic. I’m quite rude. Lots of videos of my stuff on line. GaryDelaney.com for other stuff. Next tour probably 2025 or whenever I’ve finished writing it.
I was a terrible hangman. I let everybody down.
November 25, 2025 at 12:21 PM
I was a terrible hangman. I let everybody down.
I’ve been running an assertiveness training course for ten years and no one’s ever complained so it’s either brilliant or awful.
November 20, 2025 at 9:43 AM
I’ve been running an assertiveness training course for ten years and no one’s ever complained so it’s either brilliant or awful.
After fifteen years alone on this island a bottle washes up on the shore. Inside a rolled up note. I open it, my hands trembling, and begin to read…
YOU HAVE NO NEW MESSAGES.
YOU HAVE NO NEW MESSAGES.
November 19, 2025 at 10:35 AM
After fifteen years alone on this island a bottle washes up on the shore. Inside a rolled up note. I open it, my hands trembling, and begin to read…
YOU HAVE NO NEW MESSAGES.
YOU HAVE NO NEW MESSAGES.
I saw a bumper sticker that said’Honk if you love boobies!’ and I thought ‘Wow, geese must really really love boobies’.
November 18, 2025 at 12:39 PM
I saw a bumper sticker that said’Honk if you love boobies!’ and I thought ‘Wow, geese must really really love boobies’.
I went to the bakers and bought a really nice tiger bread but he he didn’t want it as he prefers gazelles.
November 17, 2025 at 2:07 PM
I went to the bakers and bought a really nice tiger bread but he he didn’t want it as he prefers gazelles.
Statistics may start out seeming nice but they always revert to mean.
November 17, 2025 at 1:51 PM
Statistics may start out seeming nice but they always revert to mean.
Save time on mindfulness podcasts by listening to them at double speed.
November 17, 2025 at 11:40 AM
Save time on mindfulness podcasts by listening to them at double speed.
Save time on mindfulness podcasts by listening to them at double speed.
November 17, 2025 at 9:35 AM
Save time on mindfulness podcasts by listening to them at double speed.
The greatest trick the Breville ever pulled was convincing people they’d have more than two toasted sandwiches before putting it in a cupboard forever.
November 16, 2025 at 2:21 PM
The greatest trick the Breville ever pulled was convincing people they’d have more than two toasted sandwiches before putting it in a cupboard forever.
The worst thing about being dumped by Paul Simon would be the way that it always rhymes.
November 15, 2025 at 6:01 PM
The worst thing about being dumped by Paul Simon would be the way that it always rhymes.
I’ve sewn patches on my smoking jacket so now it’s just a jacket.
November 15, 2025 at 10:13 AM
I’ve sewn patches on my smoking jacket so now it’s just a jacket.
Thanks to iPhone batteries I now feel like a medieval knight as I don’t go anywhere without my trusty charger.
November 13, 2025 at 10:51 AM
Thanks to iPhone batteries I now feel like a medieval knight as I don’t go anywhere without my trusty charger.
Apparently my personal trainer was actually telling me to do 100 crunches a day and now I’m even further away from having abs.
November 12, 2025 at 11:01 AM
Apparently my personal trainer was actually telling me to do 100 crunches a day and now I’m even further away from having abs.
I love going to the seaside. I'm always beach body ready but sadly I never find one.
November 11, 2025 at 3:42 PM
I love going to the seaside. I'm always beach body ready but sadly I never find one.
A great way to find out your porn name is to look at your latest statement from Only Fans.
November 10, 2025 at 10:33 AM
A great way to find out your porn name is to look at your latest statement from Only Fans.
I used to have a terrible phobia that I was being followed by a clown but now I can look back and laugh.
November 9, 2025 at 11:38 AM
I used to have a terrible phobia that I was being followed by a clown but now I can look back and laugh.
Did you know that if you stand in front of a mirror and chant ‘I can see you, Satan!’ three times a figure appears behind you and asks if you’d like to try those clothes in a different size?
November 9, 2025 at 10:11 AM
Did you know that if you stand in front of a mirror and chant ‘I can see you, Satan!’ three times a figure appears behind you and asks if you’d like to try those clothes in a different size?
Somebody stole half my Bactrian Camel fancy dress outfit and now I’ve got the right hump.
November 8, 2025 at 11:40 AM
Somebody stole half my Bactrian Camel fancy dress outfit and now I’ve got the right hump.
Can't wait until I can start my advent calendar. I'm counting down the days already.
November 7, 2025 at 5:48 PM
Can't wait until I can start my advent calendar. I'm counting down the days already.
I was at a funeral and I really needed to fart for an hour. So after the funeral I farted for an hour.
November 7, 2025 at 11:55 AM
I was at a funeral and I really needed to fart for an hour. So after the funeral I farted for an hour.
A funeral procession is like Pride for goths
November 6, 2025 at 12:27 PM
A funeral procession is like Pride for goths
When someone is moving into a bungalow apparently a slinky is a not a good choice of house warming present.
November 6, 2025 at 10:30 AM
When someone is moving into a bungalow apparently a slinky is a not a good choice of house warming present.
When this film warned it contained adult themes I was hoping for more about sex and less about mortgages.
November 5, 2025 at 6:10 PM
When this film warned it contained adult themes I was hoping for more about sex and less about mortgages.
Rememberance, remembrance the fifth of Novemberance.
November 5, 2025 at 4:45 PM
Rememberance, remembrance the fifth of Novemberance.
I'm not sure who I'm to be cast as in our pantomime production of Quasimodo but let's just say I've got a hunch.
November 5, 2025 at 1:13 PM
I'm not sure who I'm to be cast as in our pantomime production of Quasimodo but let's just say I've got a hunch.