Author | Lightnews

Graham Bretman

@gbretman.bsky.social

200 followers 140 following 3.5K posts

I'm a Singer-Songwriter, I write songs about sewing machines Doer of UxbridgeEnglishDictionary & One Liners

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Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · Aug 4

I've set up a charity for atheists

It's a non prophet organisation

7 46

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 12h

I'd tell you about the time my Uncle built another level on his bungalow

But that's another storey

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 12h

Someone on the council let me bribe him to push through a planning application

Bung Allow?

No, a two storey maisonette

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 15h

My Uncle describes himself as a birdwatcher

Whereas the Police say he's a Peeping Tom

#Humoursky #LunchPun

2 10

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 15h

N-N-N-Nineteen?

Reposted by Graham Bretman

Mohammed Miah @reftm.bsky.social · 16h

2 1 5

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 15h

I regret investing money in a Yo-yo manufacturer

Didn't know my investment would go down as well as up

1 1 2

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 15h

My Grandad says when he was younger there used to be a lot more sex on the television

But nowadays he finds it hard to balance on these new flat screens

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 15h

The place I go to watch movies is disgusting, the seats are torn and dirty, the carpets are sticky and there's sweet wrappers everywhere

But I can't be bothered to tidy the lounge before switching on the TV

Reposted by Graham Bretman

Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 1d

When this film warned it contained adult themes I was hoping for more about sex and less about mortgages.

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Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 1d

I found playing Humpty Dumpty at the Christmas Panto emotionally draining

By the end I was in pieces

Reposted by Graham Bretman

Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 1d

I'm not sure who I'm to be cast as in our pantomime production of Quasimodo but let's just say I've got a hunch.

13 2 90

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 1d

And where's your hump

It's behind you

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 1d

Went to a comedy night at the weekend, it was obvious the comedian was Gay

I could tell as soon as he Came Out onstage

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 1d

My mate hates hedgehogs, he says they're a bunch of pricks

Reposted by Graham Bretman

Toby Earle 🇺🇦 @tobyontv.bsky.social · 1d

going to my local brass rubbing club tonight and I've never been before, so I'm desperate to make a good impression

2 1 24

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 1d

I like to take impressions of gravestones

But the Vicar was livid when he caught me rubbing one out in the churchyard

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 1d

#ASongOrMovieForTakeoutFood

Pizza's Honor

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 1d

And the electric Knight Sir Kittry

1 2

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 2d

A Mad scientist has offered to put my conscience into another brain

At the moment I'm in two minds

Reposted by Graham Bretman

Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 2d

As a mad scientist I think my biggest bugbear is probably destroying Tokyo.

7 5 70

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 2d

Took my German friend to an airplane museum, he's a bit fat so asked me to guage if he'd fit in the cockpit

Measure Schmitt ?

No, a Spitfire

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 2d

My mate is fantastic at being an MC , whereas I'm rubbish

I just can't Compere

Reposted by Graham Bretman

Gary Delaney Comedian @garydelaney.bsky.social · 2d

Most people compare themselves to others too much. Whereas I don’t do that.

7 8 63

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 2d

I'm seeing a therapist to cure my irrational fear of Alcohol free lager

I think it's a Faux Beer

Graham Bretman @gbretman.bsky.social · 2d

A colleague is having therapy for his addiction to S&M

It's quite expensive, so we're having a whip round