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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · 12d

In general I don't pity myself and like to joke about things about myself or experiences such as us coworkers comparing our tans at the end of summer and them going

"hmm... I think... *maybe* your skin is slightly darker than before?" 🤔

I have red hair and can't get a tan so is just in good humor

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · 12d

I don't want to write too much about ex because I can never be sure he isn't stalking me and sees any attention as an invite

My art struggle is due to my severe "face blindness" and not being able to remember what people look like and only remembering people by voice, mannerism or style

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · 12d

I was running away from my trauma because I wanted to leave them behind me but even the things I didn't remember had been affecting me more and more and had a breakdown at the end

my self harming at the time of "sleepwalking" seemed to be targeted at the jaw pain and sometimes just simple accidents

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · 12d

After I had anxiety over adding wasabi in soy sauce it made me more aware that my ex's abuse has made me afraid to essentially exist and after remembering traumas I am working through them every week at PTSD sessions

It feels hard but I feel that my memory and mental health is improving each time

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · 12d

I had to live most years in white power Swedish areas and with narcissists who never apologizes or learn from their mistakes and my worst fear (becoming like my mother, always bitter and dwelling on the past) had the opposite effect and I pushed away most trauma and not processing them properly

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · 12d

Haven't been able to go through everything but have a better understanding of what I did such as writing about black people in a very othering way and beating myself up over it

I am very sorry and will do my best to not do it again! 🙇

I was food poisoned but I don't want to be that kind of person

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · 22d

And I'm sorry that I havent read comments yet because I have less energy and am behind on a ton of things

Also I can never be sure that something won't make the infection worse and going on rants again so I still want to limit my access and hinder myself

I have PTSD meeting soon so will go offline

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · 22d

Have only felt like my usual self a few days but an apology without learning from it and doing a conscious effort to do better in the future feels like an empty apology

While my mind was tangled at the time of what I've read so far correlate to real thoughts and anxieties so I want to go through it

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · 23d

From what I've noticed they seem to be a combo of me sleepwalking/talking/fighting and how I felt during ex's abuse (15 years + 2) and can remember it way more clearly now and will bring to PTSD meetings

I do tend to respond and argue while sleepwalking but my sleepwalking me scares me as well

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · 23d

All of my 3 mental blackouts seem to be extremely bizarre

Have been asking for help since the 1st one because it scares me and hurts

I need to gather these notes due to having PTSD meetings every Thursday. I asked for it due to my mother since I didn't remember my ex's abuse clearly but I do now

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · 24d

Felt quite better today but will take me some time to get through everything since I wrote A LOT so do want to trim them down to their cores

I will take my time in getting a clearer picture on everything 🙇‍♂️♥️

Too tired to plead for medical help so will focus on this and resting

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Sep 9

I especially never want to hear loud disgusted exclamations about all "women's" eyebrows (he was weird about AFAB NB and trans men as well and violent against trans women)

I had the MRI scan of my brain and a bunch of blood tests so will wait for results and also pondering on my art goals

Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Sep 9

Not sure how I keep not remembering trauma, especially something as common as his SA abuse not just the direct actions but constantly being subjected to his sexualization, fethishization and misogynism

He did have a strong thing about all (who he perceived as) women's facial features especially

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Sep 9

I am slowly trying to go through things and see what are my own insecurities or thoughts among them and asked my friend Sam to help (the many calls and messages to doctors I won't bother with)

It made me remember that the women's shelter did a report on his abuse so read it and all of that is in it

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Sep 9

Due to my poor sense of smell and taste I ate bad food but I did react on it smelling sour, last real clear memory is telling my friend Sam that my stomach hurt a ton and I didn't know why

I was forced to do a PTSD "mapping" earlier that day and told her I had never been SA'd but later recalled it

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Sep 9

I know lying would sound more plausible but I generally hate lying to a fault

This was the 3rd time I've had these weird memory gaps and behaviors while calling or sending messages everywhere but the key difference last time was being reminded of my ex's SA hours before eating very spoiled food

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Sep 2

I'm going to stop using socials because I am too unwell to but it is only now when I got this food poisoning I have written things my ex did that have been in my subconscious since I can't remember unless something triggers it and only remember if I'm awake

Also only he has bullied me about my skin

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Sep 2

It was especially hard being forced to hear explicit sexual scenarios he would make up of me with friends or people I knew in general

He had hardcore porn everywhere including downloading to my devices + masturbated constantly but nothing was safe from his sexualizing such as Amaterasu from Okami

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Sep 2

Also things classmates did sprinkled in because many people are gross about racism in southern sweden

Since my ex was a literal sex pest anything can trigger ptsd memories

I've known for a long time that I get ptsd when sleeping because of how my mental health is but can never remember about what

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Sep 2

Not sure how but forgot he was blackfacing on the internet when emojis with skintone variants launched and gifs and as with everything else he did I tried making him stop

I rarely remember things he did unless I get reminded of them and these were absolutely launched from topics that week

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Sep 2

Had food poisoning

Apparently I can write word for word things my ex said or did and I know he fetishized and sexualized absolutely everything I had forgotten about his extreme grossness about facial features of women by either intense disgust or the opposite and especially about any black woman

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Aug 31

I know I DON'T get happy with*

Somehow this pondering after eating spoiled food turned into a very weird and uncomfortable thing and was a breaking point that had been building up

Since the infection keeps getting worse I need to remove as many communication ways as I can

Final post

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Aug 31

I know I get happy with portraits I draw for people I care about so had to let go of working any further

I came across them when seeing my art folder and was reminded about not being able to get those details right

I am the one who dislikes all of my portraits and want to improve for future ones

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Aug 31

She was the only one who had asked me for portraits of her and her child that wasn't with her anymore and only had one small photo of them

She was very happy with the result and it was enough for me but it bothered me that despite my effort I couldn't get their skintones and hair texture right

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Guartist - Comms Closed (temporarily) @guartist.bsky.social · Aug 31

I know deep in my core that I should never reveal personal information about them in any way and if referring to them to do so as vaguely as possible and I know that I am extremely careful about it because I always refuse to specify if being prodded even when my mind is very unwell

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