Mike Blejer
@mblejer.bsky.social
I write words (only some of them). Repped at Range & Verve, unless you hate me, in which case I'm a robot sent from the present to destroy you.
This Bumbo chair’s supposed to help your kid learn to sit up, but by the time he was old enough to use it, his thicc Blejer thighs didn’t fit in it, so I used it to train his neck.
January 12, 2026 at 8:26 AM
This Bumbo chair’s supposed to help your kid learn to sit up, but by the time he was old enough to use it, his thicc Blejer thighs didn’t fit in it, so I used it to train his neck.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked this kid to teach me how to use his dang abacus.
January 11, 2026 at 10:38 AM
I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked this kid to teach me how to use his dang abacus.
I truly do not mean to dismiss the deep love and analysis that people bring to sports fandom, but I absolutely think this should be a dubbing option for idiots like me.
January 10, 2026 at 7:06 AM
I truly do not mean to dismiss the deep love and analysis that people bring to sports fandom, but I absolutely think this should be a dubbing option for idiots like me.
My son used to hate the car because he was afraid he’d puke on rides over 15 minutes.
But now he’s all grown up, and instead he gets excited—because he *knows* he’ll probably puke on rides over 15 minutes.
But now he’s all grown up, and instead he gets excited—because he *knows* he’ll probably puke on rides over 15 minutes.
January 9, 2026 at 9:49 AM
My son used to hate the car because he was afraid he’d puke on rides over 15 minutes.
But now he’s all grown up, and instead he gets excited—because he *knows* he’ll probably puke on rides over 15 minutes.
But now he’s all grown up, and instead he gets excited—because he *knows* he’ll probably puke on rides over 15 minutes.
As a lifelong student of physics, I’ve always admired the elegance of simple machines—toddler on an inclined plane, grandfather about to get kicked in the face. Pure cause and effect, moderated only by gravity, time, and periodic yet ultimately insufficient Medicare payments.
January 8, 2026 at 7:52 AM
As a lifelong student of physics, I’ve always admired the elegance of simple machines—toddler on an inclined plane, grandfather about to get kicked in the face. Pure cause and effect, moderated only by gravity, time, and periodic yet ultimately insufficient Medicare payments.
OK, so it is ever so slightly possible that I’ve instilled in my young child a phobia of mosquitoes, but in my defense—alongside being a fantastic father—I am quite itchy.
January 7, 2026 at 8:38 AM
OK, so it is ever so slightly possible that I’ve instilled in my young child a phobia of mosquitoes, but in my defense—alongside being a fantastic father—I am quite itchy.
When tape sees stickers, I bet it gets so judgmental:
“Why can you not take anything seriously? I know this whole ‘flair’ thing is cute right now, but one day the novelty’s gonna wear off—and that means you’re gonna need a real job. You’ll be lucky if a banana will have you by then.”
“Why can you not take anything seriously? I know this whole ‘flair’ thing is cute right now, but one day the novelty’s gonna wear off—and that means you’re gonna need a real job. You’ll be lucky if a banana will have you by then.”
January 6, 2026 at 8:48 AM
When tape sees stickers, I bet it gets so judgmental:
“Why can you not take anything seriously? I know this whole ‘flair’ thing is cute right now, but one day the novelty’s gonna wear off—and that means you’re gonna need a real job. You’ll be lucky if a banana will have you by then.”
“Why can you not take anything seriously? I know this whole ‘flair’ thing is cute right now, but one day the novelty’s gonna wear off—and that means you’re gonna need a real job. You’ll be lucky if a banana will have you by then.”
As a child of the greater LA region, it’s important to introduce him to road safety early— how to responsibly use the shoulder to shave 12 seconds off your commute, when a red light is giving “ignore me,” and what to do if a police chase launches a car into your favorite Mendocino Farms.
January 5, 2026 at 9:35 AM
As a child of the greater LA region, it’s important to introduce him to road safety early— how to responsibly use the shoulder to shave 12 seconds off your commute, when a red light is giving “ignore me,” and what to do if a police chase launches a car into your favorite Mendocino Farms.
One cool thing about having a toddler is the ease with which you can permanently condition them to hate a song just by using it as their bedtime anthem.
Arguably the most effective form of musical brainwashing (next to national anthems).
Arguably the most effective form of musical brainwashing (next to national anthems).
January 4, 2026 at 8:24 AM
One cool thing about having a toddler is the ease with which you can permanently condition them to hate a song just by using it as their bedtime anthem.
Arguably the most effective form of musical brainwashing (next to national anthems).
Arguably the most effective form of musical brainwashing (next to national anthems).
Spoons are one of the only musical instruments you can drink soup out of without it becoming a whole thing (don’t tell my tuba coach I told you this).
January 3, 2026 at 9:31 AM
Spoons are one of the only musical instruments you can drink soup out of without it becoming a whole thing (don’t tell my tuba coach I told you this).
Kiddo got one in each arm. First the flu shot and then the one that makes you immune to whatever the fuck is wrong with RFK. #vaxxedgirlsummer
January 2, 2026 at 7:49 AM
Kiddo got one in each arm. First the flu shot and then the one that makes you immune to whatever the fuck is wrong with RFK. #vaxxedgirlsummer
Happy Two Years (this picture is from his birthday in September, I’m starting 2026 behind. No spoilers!)
January 1, 2026 at 8:08 AM
Happy Two Years (this picture is from his birthday in September, I’m starting 2026 behind. No spoilers!)
The Shape of Father
December 31, 2025 at 7:32 AM
The Shape of Father
I tell my son all the time: I know he makes it look easy, but Spider-Man didn’t learn to walk on walls in a day.
(Then I take him to play in the park or under the bleachers behind the community college arachnology lab—whichever’s less overrun with dumb kids or their pathetic wannabe Spider-Dads.)
(Then I take him to play in the park or under the bleachers behind the community college arachnology lab—whichever’s less overrun with dumb kids or their pathetic wannabe Spider-Dads.)
December 30, 2025 at 7:11 AM
I tell my son all the time: I know he makes it look easy, but Spider-Man didn’t learn to walk on walls in a day.
(Then I take him to play in the park or under the bleachers behind the community college arachnology lab—whichever’s less overrun with dumb kids or their pathetic wannabe Spider-Dads.)
(Then I take him to play in the park or under the bleachers behind the community college arachnology lab—whichever’s less overrun with dumb kids or their pathetic wannabe Spider-Dads.)
Driving home after a party when it’s too late to start your toddler’s nap is like a game of cat and mouse-that-the-cat-has-to-keep-awake-or-it’s-a-shit-night-for-the-cat.
December 29, 2025 at 8:40 AM
Driving home after a party when it’s too late to start your toddler’s nap is like a game of cat and mouse-that-the-cat-has-to-keep-awake-or-it’s-a-shit-night-for-the-cat.
Just fyi, if a kid ever points at you like this in a Chuck E. Cheese, you gotta hog down a whole personal pie in under a minute or the baleful spirit of Chuck E. haunts you till the next kid’s birthday party. I guess it’s some new TikTok thing or whatever.
December 28, 2025 at 7:40 AM
Just fyi, if a kid ever points at you like this in a Chuck E. Cheese, you gotta hog down a whole personal pie in under a minute or the baleful spirit of Chuck E. haunts you till the next kid’s birthday party. I guess it’s some new TikTok thing or whatever.
Is it necessary for me to follow my toddler around, grilling him on words that there’s no possible world in which he’ll be required to know for at least fifteen years?
No.
But metaphysically speaking, I’m annoying. And I feel like the sooner he gets that, the better.
No.
But metaphysically speaking, I’m annoying. And I feel like the sooner he gets that, the better.
December 27, 2025 at 7:22 AM
Is it necessary for me to follow my toddler around, grilling him on words that there’s no possible world in which he’ll be required to know for at least fifteen years?
No.
But metaphysically speaking, I’m annoying. And I feel like the sooner he gets that, the better.
No.
But metaphysically speaking, I’m annoying. And I feel like the sooner he gets that, the better.
My toddler figured out how to activate the smart house and now he’s convinced he has Force powers.
December 26, 2025 at 6:48 AM
My toddler figured out how to activate the smart house and now he’s convinced he has Force powers.
It’s always amazing to see a new lightbulb go on above your toddler’s head— especially if they turned it on themselves using smart home voice controls.
December 25, 2025 at 7:14 AM
It’s always amazing to see a new lightbulb go on above your toddler’s head— especially if they turned it on themselves using smart home voice controls.
Baby’s first monorail. A frightening experience, to be sure—but in his defense, he hasn’t seen The Incredibles yet, so he’s yet to develop a taste for the virtues of mid-century Cold War retro-futurism.
December 24, 2025 at 7:26 AM
Baby’s first monorail. A frightening experience, to be sure—but in his defense, he hasn’t seen The Incredibles yet, so he’s yet to develop a taste for the virtues of mid-century Cold War retro-futurism.
Alas, within a quick-fix, replacement-driven consumer hardware economy that treats repairability as a business liability rather than an asset, @iRobot’s decision to make a Roomba so easily fixable has left it vulnerable—to handsy toddlers, and to the market. #tragedy
December 23, 2025 at 7:14 AM
Alas, within a quick-fix, replacement-driven consumer hardware economy that treats repairability as a business liability rather than an asset, @iRobot’s decision to make a Roomba so easily fixable has left it vulnerable—to handsy toddlers, and to the market. #tragedy
Life comes at you fast. Also, sometimes, the wall.
December 22, 2025 at 7:36 AM
Life comes at you fast. Also, sometimes, the wall.
Swear to god, I know I put a song in here about 30 years back but I’m getting f*ck all now.
December 21, 2025 at 6:49 AM
Swear to god, I know I put a song in here about 30 years back but I’m getting f*ck all now.
When you get down to it, he doesn’t really understand what he’s doing, but, and this is the fun part, neither do I.
December 20, 2025 at 7:16 AM
When you get down to it, he doesn’t really understand what he’s doing, but, and this is the fun part, neither do I.
It’s important to introduce your kids to musical instruments early so they have plenty of time to get used to people going “hey, could you maybe cut that out?” before their ego really locks in.
December 19, 2025 at 7:45 AM
It’s important to introduce your kids to musical instruments early so they have plenty of time to get used to people going “hey, could you maybe cut that out?” before their ego really locks in.