Kevin Seibert
@onlyonecalorie.bsky.social
Genius billionaire playboy misanthropist
Breaking: Trump diagnosed with sleep fapnea.
December 4, 2025 at 4:48 AM
Breaking: Trump diagnosed with sleep fapnea.
I need to learn to take a compliment like my cat.
December 2, 2025 at 11:20 PM
I need to learn to take a compliment like my cat.
We now know there’s one thing Donald doesn’t need ketchup to eat.
November 17, 2025 at 4:54 AM
We now know there’s one thing Donald doesn’t need ketchup to eat.
Stephen Miller has a hair pulling kink.
November 7, 2025 at 4:43 AM
Stephen Miller has a hair pulling kink.
Seat belts save lives, but you feel their presence for days afterward like a guy who won’t shut up about how he saved your life.
November 3, 2025 at 1:31 PM
Seat belts save lives, but you feel their presence for days afterward like a guy who won’t shut up about how he saved your life.
Frank White Castle is… the Porcelain Punisher.
October 26, 2025 at 12:13 AM
Frank White Castle is… the Porcelain Punisher.
Steel wool is technically vegan.
October 24, 2025 at 9:41 PM
Steel wool is technically vegan.
Being anti-fascist comes so naturally to me that my philtrum is completely bald.
October 21, 2025 at 2:11 AM
Being anti-fascist comes so naturally to me that my philtrum is completely bald.
The equivalent of fishing for sport is standing in front of my refrigerator and removing items, then putting them back over and over for ten hours. And then lying to all of my friends about that gallon milk jug when it was clearly only a quart.
October 20, 2025 at 12:55 PM
The equivalent of fishing for sport is standing in front of my refrigerator and removing items, then putting them back over and over for ten hours. And then lying to all of my friends about that gallon milk jug when it was clearly only a quart.
Reposted by Kevin Seibert
She knows what not to rub her butt on.
My tortie is sitting on a trade paperback of Uncanny X-Men by @gailsimone.bsky.social but she’s so good that she’s hovering so her butthole doesn’t touch it.
October 20, 2025 at 7:47 AM
She knows what not to rub her butt on.
My tortie is sitting on a trade paperback of Uncanny X-Men by @gailsimone.bsky.social but she’s so good that she’s hovering so her butthole doesn’t touch it.
October 20, 2025 at 4:29 AM
My tortie is sitting on a trade paperback of Uncanny X-Men by @gailsimone.bsky.social but she’s so good that she’s hovering so her butthole doesn’t touch it.
I love that so many people have stopped using headphones in public because I haven’t needed to visit a break room in months. I just pluck and throw for free. I am now the central figure of multiple cults comprised of everyone who was within earshot, and that’s pretty good for the self-esteem.
October 15, 2025 at 9:58 PM
I love that so many people have stopped using headphones in public because I haven’t needed to visit a break room in months. I just pluck and throw for free. I am now the central figure of multiple cults comprised of everyone who was within earshot, and that’s pretty good for the self-esteem.
Batman elevator pitch: an orphaned furry with no sense of humor engages in a battle of wits with his arch nemesis, a prop comic.
October 11, 2025 at 1:43 AM
Batman elevator pitch: an orphaned furry with no sense of humor engages in a battle of wits with his arch nemesis, a prop comic.
The military isn’t fat. Pete Hegseth is cirrhosis thin.
September 30, 2025 at 4:04 PM
The military isn’t fat. Pete Hegseth is cirrhosis thin.
Pete Hegseth is jealous because when he had a beard it was so patchy he had to take mange medication. Taking veterinary medications did put him on MAGA’s radar though.
September 30, 2025 at 3:51 PM
Pete Hegseth is jealous because when he had a beard it was so patchy he had to take mange medication. Taking veterinary medications did put him on MAGA’s radar though.
Whenever I go to a Catholic potluck I always bring my famous chicken purgatory.
September 22, 2025 at 4:25 AM
Whenever I go to a Catholic potluck I always bring my famous chicken purgatory.
Being in a drama-free marriage has necessitated changing the lyrics to Dashboard Confessional’s “Screaming Infidelities” to “Your hair is everywhere / Including in my laundry and everything I wear.”
September 14, 2025 at 3:20 PM
Being in a drama-free marriage has necessitated changing the lyrics to Dashboard Confessional’s “Screaming Infidelities” to “Your hair is everywhere / Including in my laundry and everything I wear.”
The Epstein note only confirms two things we already knew:
1. Trump prefers to play ball when there’s no grass on the field.
2. This explains why he sucks so much at golf.
1. Trump prefers to play ball when there’s no grass on the field.
2. This explains why he sucks so much at golf.
September 9, 2025 at 4:03 PM
The Epstein note only confirms two things we already knew:
1. Trump prefers to play ball when there’s no grass on the field.
2. This explains why he sucks so much at golf.
1. Trump prefers to play ball when there’s no grass on the field.
2. This explains why he sucks so much at golf.
Mike Johnson is jealous of Jeffrey Epstein because he doesn’t get to be Donald Trump’s dead best friend.
September 6, 2025 at 4:47 AM
Mike Johnson is jealous of Jeffrey Epstein because he doesn’t get to be Donald Trump’s dead best friend.
Mike Johnson is inconsolable whenever daddy Trump doesn’t make him feel beautiful during his nightly spankings.
September 6, 2025 at 4:45 AM
Mike Johnson is inconsolable whenever daddy Trump doesn’t make him feel beautiful during his nightly spankings.
Mike Johnson doesn’t feel shame because he’s too distracted by Donald Trump’s girthy two-incher pressing on his g-spot.
September 6, 2025 at 4:43 AM
Mike Johnson doesn’t feel shame because he’s too distracted by Donald Trump’s girthy two-incher pressing on his g-spot.
Catch Donald Trump off guard by asking who was his favorite child to fuck and he’ll answer truthfully MAGA still will not give a hot shit.
September 6, 2025 at 4:31 AM
Catch Donald Trump off guard by asking who was his favorite child to fuck and he’ll answer truthfully MAGA still will not give a hot shit.
The hotel room my wife and I booked has two beds so we have designated one the sleeping bed and the other the snacking bed, AKA the Liz Lemon bed for working on our night cheese.
September 6, 2025 at 4:18 AM
The hotel room my wife and I booked has two beds so we have designated one the sleeping bed and the other the snacking bed, AKA the Liz Lemon bed for working on our night cheese.
What no one is saying out loud is that pink salt is just granulated ham.
September 6, 2025 at 3:30 AM
What no one is saying out loud is that pink salt is just granulated ham.
September 4, 2025 at 12:26 AM