5 Second Film Reviews
@opusga.bsky.social
Concise film reviews (mostly). Watching a lot of bad films so you don't have to.
RIP Gil Gerard. Loved Buck Rogers and had the toys.
December 17, 2025 at 6:27 PM
RIP Gil Gerard. Loved Buck Rogers and had the toys.
RIP Rob Reiner. One of the best journeyman directors ever. He could tackle any genre and make a classic - and there are honestly too many to name.
Even “North” wasn’t that bad.
Tragic.
Even “North” wasn’t that bad.
Tragic.
December 15, 2025 at 1:12 PM
RIP Rob Reiner. One of the best journeyman directors ever. He could tackle any genre and make a classic - and there are honestly too many to name.
Even “North” wasn’t that bad.
Tragic.
Even “North” wasn’t that bad.
Tragic.
🎬 This is awful. Armand is totally miscast as hard boiled detective Mike Hammer (which was later nailed by Stacey Keach) and it’s shot like a TV movie rather than the noiresque take it deserves. Even the music is TV movie.
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I, the Jury (1982) ⭐ 5.9 | Crime, Drama, Mystery
1h 51m | R
www.imdb.com
December 14, 2025 at 11:59 PM
🎬 This is awful. Armand is totally miscast as hard boiled detective Mike Hammer (which was later nailed by Stacey Keach) and it’s shot like a TV movie rather than the noiresque take it deserves. Even the music is TV movie.
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🎬 Never had seen this one. Saw 2 ages ago and it was ludicrous. This one boils down your slasher to its most core concept. Killer they don’t even bother to hide (they tell you who it is in the first few minutes) stalks people at a slumber party and the surrounding area.
That’s it. No plot.
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That’s it. No plot.
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The Slumber Party Massacre (1982) ⭐ 5.6 | Horror
1h 17m | R
www.imdb.com
December 14, 2025 at 5:13 AM
🎬 Never had seen this one. Saw 2 ages ago and it was ludicrous. This one boils down your slasher to its most core concept. Killer they don’t even bother to hide (they tell you who it is in the first few minutes) stalks people at a slumber party and the surrounding area.
That’s it. No plot.
cont...
That’s it. No plot.
cont...
🎬 This is not the film I was expecting. I expected a schlock fest and instead got a thoughtful character study about loss and regret - the life of a man who sacrificed for his country while never wanting to be more than a simple man, who finds his life directionless and empty.
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The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot (2018) ⭐ 5.7 | Adventure, Drama, Sci-Fi
1h 38m | Not Rated
www.imdb.com
December 13, 2025 at 7:16 AM
🎬 This is not the film I was expecting. I expected a schlock fest and instead got a thoughtful character study about loss and regret - the life of a man who sacrificed for his country while never wanting to be more than a simple man, who finds his life directionless and empty.
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🎬 Best Picture? Over Clockwork Orange?
I mean it’s a good cop movie but is it better than Dirty Harry? I suppose it’s more realistic maybe. This seems like it’s gotten way more accolades than it deserves. Hackman does a serviceable job but best actor over say Donald Sutherland in Klute?
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I mean it’s a good cop movie but is it better than Dirty Harry? I suppose it’s more realistic maybe. This seems like it’s gotten way more accolades than it deserves. Hackman does a serviceable job but best actor over say Donald Sutherland in Klute?
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The French Connection (1971) ⭐ 7.7 | Action, Crime, Drama
1h 44m | R
www.imdb.com
December 12, 2025 at 11:03 PM
🎬 Best Picture? Over Clockwork Orange?
I mean it’s a good cop movie but is it better than Dirty Harry? I suppose it’s more realistic maybe. This seems like it’s gotten way more accolades than it deserves. Hackman does a serviceable job but best actor over say Donald Sutherland in Klute?
cont...
I mean it’s a good cop movie but is it better than Dirty Harry? I suppose it’s more realistic maybe. This seems like it’s gotten way more accolades than it deserves. Hackman does a serviceable job but best actor over say Donald Sutherland in Klute?
cont...
🎬 Seagal is dubbed. Not just once or twice but about half the movie. And it’s not even close / painfully obvious.
Seagal is always in the dark to hide his weight issues and the fact he can’t really fight anymore. Vinnie Jones rules tho.
As bad as his films have been this one is the worst.
Seagal is always in the dark to hide his weight issues and the fact he can’t really fight anymore. Vinnie Jones rules tho.
As bad as his films have been this one is the worst.
Submerged (Video 2005) ⭐ 3.7 | Action, Thriller
1h 36m | R
www.imdb.com
December 12, 2025 at 5:32 PM
🎬 Seagal is dubbed. Not just once or twice but about half the movie. And it’s not even close / painfully obvious.
Seagal is always in the dark to hide his weight issues and the fact he can’t really fight anymore. Vinnie Jones rules tho.
As bad as his films have been this one is the worst.
Seagal is always in the dark to hide his weight issues and the fact he can’t really fight anymore. Vinnie Jones rules tho.
As bad as his films have been this one is the worst.
🎬 Well this was pretty fantastic. Great action, great message, and great acting.
The whole thing could have been avoided if they had just let him keep his wife.
The whole thing could have been avoided if they had just let him keep his wife.
Rollerball (1975) ⭐ 6.5 | Action, Sci-Fi, Sport
2h 5m | R
www.imdb.com
December 11, 2025 at 7:37 PM
🎬 Well this was pretty fantastic. Great action, great message, and great acting.
The whole thing could have been avoided if they had just let him keep his wife.
The whole thing could have been avoided if they had just let him keep his wife.
🎬 Misleading title from what you actually get. This time however it was not a pleasant surprise.
This is a teen psychodrama about a girl retreating into a fantasy world because of problems at home. That’s it. It’s obvious from the get go with no surprises and very little actual giants.
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This is a teen psychodrama about a girl retreating into a fantasy world because of problems at home. That’s it. It’s obvious from the get go with no surprises and very little actual giants.
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I Kill Giants (2017) ⭐ 6.1 | Drama, Fantasy, Thriller
1h 46m | Not Rated
www.imdb.com
December 10, 2025 at 11:35 PM
🎬 Misleading title from what you actually get. This time however it was not a pleasant surprise.
This is a teen psychodrama about a girl retreating into a fantasy world because of problems at home. That’s it. It’s obvious from the get go with no surprises and very little actual giants.
cont...
This is a teen psychodrama about a girl retreating into a fantasy world because of problems at home. That’s it. It’s obvious from the get go with no surprises and very little actual giants.
cont...
🎬 Homework and Street Scenes 1907
7 minutes of random old China footage. Very interesting. The quality of the footage is amazing for the time.
A street barber that not only shaves the head and face hair - but also cleans the ears with primitive q-tips and gives back massages.
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7 minutes of random old China footage. Very interesting. The quality of the footage is amazing for the time.
A street barber that not only shaves the head and face hair - but also cleans the ears with primitive q-tips and gives back massages.
cont....
Around China with a Movie Camera (2015) ⭐ 8.2 | Documentary
1h 8m
www.imdb.com
December 10, 2025 at 8:40 PM
🎬 Homework and Street Scenes 1907
7 minutes of random old China footage. Very interesting. The quality of the footage is amazing for the time.
A street barber that not only shaves the head and face hair - but also cleans the ears with primitive q-tips and gives back massages.
cont....
7 minutes of random old China footage. Very interesting. The quality of the footage is amazing for the time.
A street barber that not only shaves the head and face hair - but also cleans the ears with primitive q-tips and gives back massages.
cont....
🎬 This adaption starts with Dorothy, Scarecrow and - donkey and what looks to be a cow humping a hay bail... (no clue)
They then get blown to Oz. Momba the witch... who? Clearly she is the wicked one.
Glinda changed Toto into a large dog. These are all people in scary looking suits.
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They then get blown to Oz. Momba the witch... who? Clearly she is the wicked one.
Glinda changed Toto into a large dog. These are all people in scary looking suits.
cont...
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (Short 1910) ⭐ 5.7 | Adventure, Fantasy, Short
13m | Not Rated
www.imdb.com
December 10, 2025 at 5:22 PM
🎬 This adaption starts with Dorothy, Scarecrow and - donkey and what looks to be a cow humping a hay bail... (no clue)
They then get blown to Oz. Momba the witch... who? Clearly she is the wicked one.
Glinda changed Toto into a large dog. These are all people in scary looking suits.
cont...
They then get blown to Oz. Momba the witch... who? Clearly she is the wicked one.
Glinda changed Toto into a large dog. These are all people in scary looking suits.
cont...
🎬 Lon Chaney pic where he’s working with bandits to steal gold.
Pretty straightforward. One thing of note is that a stuntman gets an inch from being trampled by horses. He falls and rolls right into oncoming traffic and the riders got stopped JUST in time. Dude must have crapped his pants.
Pretty straightforward. One thing of note is that a stuntman gets an inch from being trampled by horses. He falls and rolls right into oncoming traffic and the riders got stopped JUST in time. Dude must have crapped his pants.
By the Sun's Rays (Short 1914) ⭐ 5.4 | Short, Action, Drama
11m | Not Rated
www.imdb.com
December 10, 2025 at 5:54 AM
🎬 Lon Chaney pic where he’s working with bandits to steal gold.
Pretty straightforward. One thing of note is that a stuntman gets an inch from being trampled by horses. He falls and rolls right into oncoming traffic and the riders got stopped JUST in time. Dude must have crapped his pants.
Pretty straightforward. One thing of note is that a stuntman gets an inch from being trampled by horses. He falls and rolls right into oncoming traffic and the riders got stopped JUST in time. Dude must have crapped his pants.
🎬 The first Russian narrative film.
I think the title means loads of Cossacks on boats and then on land with dancing. Not seeing a lot of narrative but it probably made sense to Russians in 1908.
Probably would help if I could read Russian as the intercards weren’t translated.
I think the title means loads of Cossacks on boats and then on land with dancing. Not seeing a lot of narrative but it probably made sense to Russians in 1908.
Probably would help if I could read Russian as the intercards weren’t translated.
Stenka Razin (Short 1908) ⭐ 4.8 | Short, History
10m
www.imdb.com
December 8, 2025 at 11:03 PM
🎬 The first Russian narrative film.
I think the title means loads of Cossacks on boats and then on land with dancing. Not seeing a lot of narrative but it probably made sense to Russians in 1908.
Probably would help if I could read Russian as the intercards weren’t translated.
I think the title means loads of Cossacks on boats and then on land with dancing. Not seeing a lot of narrative but it probably made sense to Russians in 1908.
Probably would help if I could read Russian as the intercards weren’t translated.
🎬 I dug this movie back in the 80s when I first saw it. Now? It’s kinda garbage.
1. It’s super amateurish. Probably because it’s Katheryn Bigelows first film... but still. The blocking is static. The shots are pedestrian. It’s just not well made.
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1. It’s super amateurish. Probably because it’s Katheryn Bigelows first film... but still. The blocking is static. The shots are pedestrian. It’s just not well made.
cont...
Near Dark (1987) ⭐ 6.9 | Horror
1h 34m | R
www.imdb.com
December 8, 2025 at 5:28 PM
🎬 I dug this movie back in the 80s when I first saw it. Now? It’s kinda garbage.
1. It’s super amateurish. Probably because it’s Katheryn Bigelows first film... but still. The blocking is static. The shots are pedestrian. It’s just not well made.
cont...
1. It’s super amateurish. Probably because it’s Katheryn Bigelows first film... but still. The blocking is static. The shots are pedestrian. It’s just not well made.
cont...
🎬 Hmm... this one is going to take some thinking about. It was extremely well done and I enjoyed it a lot - but what does it all mean? I’ve read some interpretations and I don’t know that I fully agree with any of them.
Beautiful and totally fresh with ideas and presentation.
Beautiful and totally fresh with ideas and presentation.
Annihilation (2018) ⭐ 6.8 | Adventure, Drama, Horror
1h 55m | R
www.imdb.com
December 7, 2025 at 5:45 PM
🎬 Hmm... this one is going to take some thinking about. It was extremely well done and I enjoyed it a lot - but what does it all mean? I’ve read some interpretations and I don’t know that I fully agree with any of them.
Beautiful and totally fresh with ideas and presentation.
Beautiful and totally fresh with ideas and presentation.
🎬 How the heck is Cronenberg going to inject body horror into a VR game movie. Didn’t take long at all.
Basically Inception but about a game vs dreams. It’s a fairly harsh critique on gamers and the game lifestyle I think. Fast paced and keeps you guessing. Overall pretty great.
Basically Inception but about a game vs dreams. It’s a fairly harsh critique on gamers and the game lifestyle I think. Fast paced and keeps you guessing. Overall pretty great.
eXistenZ (1999) ⭐ 6.8 | Horror, Mystery, Sci-Fi
1h 37m | R
www.imdb.com
December 6, 2025 at 4:52 PM
🎬 How the heck is Cronenberg going to inject body horror into a VR game movie. Didn’t take long at all.
Basically Inception but about a game vs dreams. It’s a fairly harsh critique on gamers and the game lifestyle I think. Fast paced and keeps you guessing. Overall pretty great.
Basically Inception but about a game vs dreams. It’s a fairly harsh critique on gamers and the game lifestyle I think. Fast paced and keeps you guessing. Overall pretty great.
🎬 Yeah this was great!
Really top notch as expected.
These are the best of Marvel with just superb casting.
Really top notch as expected.
These are the best of Marvel with just superb casting.
Spider-Man: Far from Home (2019) ⭐ 7.3 | Action, Adventure, Comedy
2h 9m | PG-13
www.imdb.com
December 5, 2025 at 9:03 PM
🎬 Yeah this was great!
Really top notch as expected.
These are the best of Marvel with just superb casting.
Really top notch as expected.
These are the best of Marvel with just superb casting.
🎬 So this was better than it had a right to be. The premise is great. What happens when the dead rise but still are sentient, just... dead.
Great setup that collapses under its weight.
For a next to no budget I applaud this though. What a great effort and idea.
Great setup that collapses under its weight.
For a next to no budget I applaud this though. What a great effort and idea.
Zombies Anonymous (2006) ⭐ 4.6 | Comedy, Horror
1h 58m | Not Rated
www.imdb.com
December 5, 2025 at 5:59 PM
🎬 So this was better than it had a right to be. The premise is great. What happens when the dead rise but still are sentient, just... dead.
Great setup that collapses under its weight.
For a next to no budget I applaud this though. What a great effort and idea.
Great setup that collapses under its weight.
For a next to no budget I applaud this though. What a great effort and idea.
🎬 It’s not bad, it’s just incredibly uneven. It doesn’t know if it wants to be serious or jokey. Traditional or new flash cuts whiz bang look at the names in text junk. So as such it’s disorienting. There is a deeper story here that comes out in flashes.
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Polar (2019) ⭐ 6.3 | Action, Crime, Thriller
1h 58m | TV-MA
www.imdb.com
December 4, 2025 at 9:09 PM
🎬 It’s not bad, it’s just incredibly uneven. It doesn’t know if it wants to be serious or jokey. Traditional or new flash cuts whiz bang look at the names in text junk. So as such it’s disorienting. There is a deeper story here that comes out in flashes.
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🎬 He’s a producer on this. This shows a serious lack of self respect. I mean c’mon man put just a bit of pride in what you produce.
It’s all just so disappointing. Sigh.
It’s all just so disappointing. Sigh.
Shadow Man (Video 2006) ⭐ 4.0 | Action, Thriller
1h 31m | R
www.imdb.com
December 3, 2025 at 9:59 PM
🎬 He’s a producer on this. This shows a serious lack of self respect. I mean c’mon man put just a bit of pride in what you produce.
It’s all just so disappointing. Sigh.
It’s all just so disappointing. Sigh.
🎬 One or two ok action sequences but overall predictable and kinda boring.
Kite (2014) ⭐ 4.4 | Action, Crime, Thriller
1h 30m | R
www.imdb.com
December 3, 2025 at 4:29 PM
🎬 One or two ok action sequences but overall predictable and kinda boring.
🎬 What a silly title. No one gets chopped at all. Should be called Robot Mall Massacre or something. But for what it is it’s great fun. What could be better than blending the 80’s mall with the fear of emerging tech and raging hormones? Nothing. Watch it and enjoy.
Chopping Mall (1986) ⭐ 5.6 | Horror, Sci-Fi
1h 17m | R
www.imdb.com
December 2, 2025 at 4:55 PM
🎬 What a silly title. No one gets chopped at all. Should be called Robot Mall Massacre or something. But for what it is it’s great fun. What could be better than blending the 80’s mall with the fear of emerging tech and raging hormones? Nothing. Watch it and enjoy.
🎬 Interesting. Parts are still photos with directorial narration to fill in the scenes that weren’t filmed due to River dying.
Decent thriller. Nothing new or groundbreaking but fairly solid. River did a nice job as the bad guy making him just a normal slightly screwed up dude not "EVIL".
Decent thriller. Nothing new or groundbreaking but fairly solid. River did a nice job as the bad guy making him just a normal slightly screwed up dude not "EVIL".
Dark Blood (2012) ⭐ 6.3 | Thriller
1h 26m | TV-PG
www.imdb.com
December 2, 2025 at 12:04 AM
🎬 Interesting. Parts are still photos with directorial narration to fill in the scenes that weren’t filmed due to River dying.
Decent thriller. Nothing new or groundbreaking but fairly solid. River did a nice job as the bad guy making him just a normal slightly screwed up dude not "EVIL".
Decent thriller. Nothing new or groundbreaking but fairly solid. River did a nice job as the bad guy making him just a normal slightly screwed up dude not "EVIL".
🎬 Well this was ridiculous but a lot of fun.
Rawhead Rex (1986) ⭐ 5.2 | Fantasy, Horror, Mystery
1h 29m | R
www.imdb.com
December 1, 2025 at 4:24 PM
🎬 Well this was ridiculous but a lot of fun.
🎬 Well this didn’t go where I expected it to go and because of that it was pretty good. It could have reached greatness by adding 30+ minutes to flush out some interesting subplots and characters.
If you are in the mood for a psycho-thriller this one will certainly do the job.
If you are in the mood for a psycho-thriller this one will certainly do the job.
Dream House (2011) ⭐ 6.0 | Drama, Mystery, Thriller
1h 32m | PG-13
www.imdb.com
November 30, 2025 at 11:10 PM
🎬 Well this didn’t go where I expected it to go and because of that it was pretty good. It could have reached greatness by adding 30+ minutes to flush out some interesting subplots and characters.
If you are in the mood for a psycho-thriller this one will certainly do the job.
If you are in the mood for a psycho-thriller this one will certainly do the job.