5 Second Film Reviews
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opusga.bsky.social
5 Second Film Reviews
@opusga.bsky.social
Concise film reviews (mostly). Watching a lot of bad films so you don't have to.
Seriously, Armand is way too pretty and not nearly angry enough and the mystery is a confused over the top mess.
There is a shocking amount of nudity for a hard boiled detective movie and really the only reason to watch it.
December 15, 2025 at 12:00 AM
No character development except exposed breasts. Just killing people with a really large drill. This of course makes it short at just 1:16 but does it make it good? Nah not really. It’s... ok. Totally average in every way.

I suppose it stands out as it was written by and directed by women.
December 14, 2025 at 5:13 AM
Sam Elliot delivers a fantastic performance as usual and imbues his character with a particular sadness and disdain for what he has become and given up.
How does one find meaning in their life when they are old? This is a very heavy film hidden inside a schlock title.
Excellent
December 13, 2025 at 7:16 AM
I came away disappointed. For all it’s hype and it’s extremely high IMDB score I expected more.
December 12, 2025 at 11:03 PM
And the suspension of disbelief is difficult. I could see a small kid maybe dealing with things by creating a fantasy world but this girl is like 15. She would be insane, except she’s not and then all is fine.

Sorely disappointed.
December 10, 2025 at 11:35 PM
People making paper lanterns. (Neat). The symbols aren’t painted on but pre-cut and glued.

Old folks and beggars.

Street soup and noodle vendors. Giant steaming pots in the middle of the street.
December 10, 2025 at 8:40 PM
Tin Man joins the entourage with the cow, donkey, large dog and Scarecrow.
They kill the witch and then go to the city where the Scarecrow is made king and the wizard leaves in a balloon after doing nothing.
I have no clue if this is closer or further to the book than the version everyone knows.
December 10, 2025 at 5:22 PM
5. Lance - the head Vamp says “I taught him everything he knows but not everything I know” - which is a cool line - until you realize apparently what he knows is how to get beat by a snot nosed wuss 20 something cowboy. He literally does NOTHING. See #1.

Serviceable but not great.
December 8, 2025 at 5:29 PM
4. The acting - outside of Bill Paxton who chews his role - is blah. Also probably due to the director, but the script really doesn’t give much for any one person to do either.

cont...
December 8, 2025 at 5:28 PM
2. The music is brutal bad synth pop.
3. The plot hinges on it constantly becoming morning. What 400 year old vampire would constantly put his clan in jeopardy by starting shenanigans at 5am or later? How about do stuff at 1 or 2am when there is zero danger of being caught in the light?

cont...
December 8, 2025 at 5:28 PM
Well it was for Dolph at the time. So you weren’t totally wrong.
December 7, 2025 at 11:17 PM