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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 13d

Farewell folks
Sorry for being a piece of shit, and sorry that I'll never be able to be a good person in your eyes.

I'm leaving

I genuinely wish you all good lives, I know I don't deserve one

DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 13d

This is probably the last post you're ever gonna see from me here. No replies, no DMs, nothing
I'm done carrying all these accounts around on my phone
I'm logging out of everything tonight
If you do want to reach me, for some unexplainable reason, do it on discord or my number if you had it.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 13d

You never will.
But am I gonna post this anyways? Probably, I don't have much else in all honesty.

I'm desperate for someone to tell me that this will be worth it for more than just myself.
How am I supposed to do something for myself when I hate myself?
When everyone I loved hates me?
You tell me

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 13d

Choice I have is yelling to the void and praying that someone sees it and cares enough to say something
Just the smallest thing

But no one ever does.
So I just have to keep rotting alone. I have no one, you all cut me off. I don't even know why I'm posting all of this right now
You don't care

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 13d

This is me putting my thoughts and emotions out there
You know someone told me that I should talk to a professional about this, but I don't have a job
I don't have any money or insurance.
What professional am I supposed to contact about this?
It's not exactly an easy thing for me to do
The only

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 13d

A lot of you would be happier with me gone too so

Like
What am I supposed to do?

Keep going in hopes that I'll be happy with myself?
How the fuck could I ever forgive myself for what I've done let alone you guys forgive me for what I've done

I want to kill myself, I really do.
This isn't a lie

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 13d

You don't really get to prove yourself as someone who can be better.
So why try?
Why try to keep going one day at a time trying to improve
It's not like I have anyone to prove myself too because everyone's already gone from my life
I should just kill myself.
It wouldn't change anything and I bet

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 13d

This stupid fucking post that no one's gonna see any ways?
None of you really care if I make the effort to change. None of you care if I put effort into being a better person, you're still just gonna see me as a manipulator
Because that's how this shit works right?
You get labeled as a bad person

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 13d

Because I'd be dead
I'm struggling to find reasons to keep myself going.
No amount of words I say will matter because I have the reputation of a manipulative liar
And you know what? I can already tell this post is gonna be interpreted as an attempt to manipulate people
So why even bother making

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 13d

You know I've been thinking about it
And I'm gonna be honest, I think everything would be so much better off if I just didn't exist at all.
Like if I died so many of you would be able to exist without ever having to think about me at all.
All the things I've done, it wouldn't have to matter

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

Until whenever, I wish you all well. I'm sorry I failed so many of you as a friend and someone you thought you could trust.

DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

As for everyone else. I may be asking for pity, but it is a genuine ask. I am not the person I was in 2022. I am trying to make the changes. I'm desperate for any way to redeem myself.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

I suppose that's the price to pay for hiding from your past and trying to be someone different no matter how much you feel you've changed. If any of those of harmed see this and want one last conversation with or something, you know where to get a hold of me. Discord.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

I spent the Undertale Anniversary day and streams alone. No one to hangout and share memories with. The things Toby said to others watching the stream were painful. I felt like the words didn't apply to me despite his games changing my life.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

Now I feel like I'm no one after failing to be what I wanted so desperately to be. I have been on a downward spiral induced by the solitude I gained after so many people cut me off. I failed so many people and now I'm alone. This loneliness is driving me mad.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

Right now I don't really know what I am. When I was going by Monika I made so many bad decisions in 2022, and when I decided I was now Maxis/Dess I thought I had become a better person. Maxis/Dess was supposed to be me at my best.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

In march of this year I made my sonic account because I wanted to reinvent myself after years of feeling like I had worked on myself in a healthy way, of course I was still hiding from what I did which means I was not handling myself in the healthiest way.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

Any Idea I had I instantly act upon without thinking about how it'd affect others. I was not in my right mind.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

I want to talk about the medication again. That damned medication. I know I constantly say I don't want to use it as a scapegoat, but it genuinely made me act like a different person. I wasn't thinking about my actions, I was living solely on impulse and sudden thoughts.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

Lately I've been wondering if anyone would mourn for me if I died, and this is after constant thoughts of feeling like if I was harmed or killed that people would actively celebrate that due to the person I was. I want to be clear, no one but me is to blame for my actions.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

I've been having some pretty dark thoughts about myself lately so here's your warning for stuff like mentions of thoughts of self harm and suicide.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 19d

Here's an update for anyone who cares. I'm not doing okay. I've been having some pretty dark thoughts about myself lately so here's your warning for stuff like mentions of thoughts of self harm and suicide. Here's an update for anyone who cares. I'm not doing okay.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · Sep 1

So many of you helped me relight my passion for what I loved to do, I hope this message inspires you to keep going. Even if you hate me, even if you never want to exist around me again, I believe in you and I believe in myself

DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · Sep 1

I want you all to know that I am going to keep going, because I know that if I parted ways with someone who was my friend the way you all did
I would want that person to try their damnedest to walk a path into being a better person.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · Sep 1

I'm going to become a better person, I'm going to dig myself out of this hole I made for myself by hiding my past and putting on a mask that slowly became who I wish I was.

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