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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1m

I give my partners the freedom to leave, because it means that much more to me when they still choose to stay. They may need me, but more importantly, they want me - and that's beautiful.

Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1m

Your partner(s) can leave you at any time, for any reason. And guess what? That's a good thing! You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who feels trapped or who doesn't genuinely want to be there. You deserve someone who chooses you.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1m

What ISN'T healthy is viewing your value to your partner purely based on what benefits you give them, and requiring them to depend on you in order to feel loved. "If they need me to survive, then they'll never leave me and I can feel secure" is toxic thinking.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1m

Needing your partner isn't inherently a bad thing of course - we are social creatures and interdependence is healthy, and most people do need other people socially, financially, or otherwise.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1m

It's not because they don't have anyone else, but because this is where they want to spend their time and energy. Some folks may struggle to feel secure, and fear abandonment by their partner, but being wanted is a wonderful thing.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1m

You can feel safe in the knowledge that your partner, despite having other options, actively invests into your relationship and is genuinely happy with you - not for what you PROVIDE, but for who you ARE.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1m

People who were taught to believe that their worth was based on their usefulness to others in childhood tend to struggle with feeling wanted/desired in adulthood, and cling on to proof that their partner relies/depends on them in some way to feel loved.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1m

That is scary for some people, but I would like to reframe it instead as a precious gift. A key part of polyamory is coming to terms with the fact that no one can meet all of someone else's needs, and you shouldn't have to.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1m

If you associated being loved with being needed growing up, you may struggle a lot with polyamory because your partner no longer requires you specifically to get their needs met, but instead spend time with you because they want to despite having other partners.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1m

Let's talk about feeling NEEDED vs feeling WANTED in polyamory, and how being wanted, as opposed to just needed, by your partner creates more security in the relationship.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 19h

I'm polyamorous so that my polycule can dress up as the entire cast of 'The Mummy' for Halloween.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

Want more tips on navigating couple privilege? Sign up to my upcoming workshop - all ticket holders get a recording of the event, so it doesn't matter if you can't make the actual date. Register now: polyam-couple.eventbrite.co.uk?aff=Leanne

Deconstructing Couple Privilege

Leanne @polyphiliablog + Marla @polyamarla share top tips on identifying, managing, and unpacking couple privilege in non-monogamy

polyam-couple.eventbrite.co.uk

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

Be proactive and approach things practically, not just emotionally. Couple privilege is not your fault, nor is it inherently a bad thing to have, but it is your responsibility!

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

Being transparent about what your existing commitments are and what practical barriers it presents to other relationships is part of responsible and ethical relating. Your relationships may look different, but that doesn't mean you can't have fulfilling and rewarding connections.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

You're allowed to have preferences on how entangled you want to be, and with how many. If certain options are closed off, it doesn't make you a bad person, but not everyone is going to be compatible with you depending on your needs/desires - and that is OKAY!

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

In addition to current commitments, discuss what's on the table for future plans. Some people may have one nesting partner right now, but be open to living with a polycule later down the line, while others may not for a variety of reasons.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

You're not doing anyone any favours by being vague about these details, because it's not giving folks informed consent.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

Most importantly: just be honest. If you need to prioritise children and coparenting responsibilities, just say that. If you're married, discuss the legal/financial/social consequences. If you have a disabled partner you care for full-time, that's going to affect things.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

It's good to be considerate of multiple people in polyamory, but if you're overcorrecting in your behaviour to the point where your spouse/nesting partner/coparent now feels insecure in the relationship, it's time to reevaluate things!

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

Some people can also overcompensate and end up neglecting the partner who holds the couple privilege - this is a function of 'couple guilt', when you feel so guilty for having couple privilege that they forget to nurture the relationship that has it.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

Saying, "But I love you and see you as an equal partner!" and then doing nothing doesn't provide any actual reassurance. You're deflecting away from the practical issues by talking about the emotional, and that doesn't help anyone long-term.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

If your partner brings up that they're feeling unhappy, insecure, or dissatisfied with the relationship because of the logistical impacts of couple privilege (e.g. they get less time than your nesting partner because you don't cohabitate)...

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

Is it your fault? No. But does that mean you can just ignore the feelings that come up as a result? Also no! Listen, validate, and hold space instead of getting defensive.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

You may view your partners equally, but that doesn't mean society will - and the impacts of that are real and felt. Monogamous people will constantly be performing microaggressions, e.g. assuming one partner or spouse will be your +1, asking only about one partner, etc.

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Leanne Yau @polyphiliablog.bsky.social · 1d

However, that doesn't mean you can't acknowledge it, address it (where possible and if desired), and communicate it upfront with potential or existing partners.

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