Chronically suffering from a (largely baseless) romantic preoccupation with row houses
November 8, 2025 at 4:51 AM
Chronically suffering from a (largely baseless) romantic preoccupation with row houses
When you make a whole Spotify playlist about how much a baby means to you but she only wants to listen to Cocomelon 😠😠😠
November 8, 2025 at 12:02 AM
When you make a whole Spotify playlist about how much a baby means to you but she only wants to listen to Cocomelon 😠😠😠
Well, Donald Trump didn’t get elected today, so post-Halloween comedown is already going better than last year
November 5, 2025 at 12:25 AM
Well, Donald Trump didn’t get elected today, so post-Halloween comedown is already going better than last year
A maneuver no one thought could be done
Wrapping up my tweet bender by presenting This without further comment
November 3, 2025 at 5:14 AM
A maneuver no one thought could be done
You can take the bull out of the labyrinth but you can’t take the labyrinth outta the bull!
@raywitham.bsky.social wanted to go on a “rampage on all fours” in his bull horns to inspect the dance floor for his missing cigarettes last night
November 2, 2025 at 12:21 AM
You can take the bull out of the labyrinth but you can’t take the labyrinth outta the bull!
Forever needing a Halloween squire during costume prep
November 2, 2025 at 12:17 AM
Forever needing a Halloween squire during costume prep
I love being back in TN but not as much as my hair loves being back in TN 💁♀️
October 31, 2025 at 10:51 PM
I love being back in TN but not as much as my hair loves being back in TN 💁♀️
Cigarettes: they’re what’s for breakfast
October 31, 2025 at 1:26 PM
Cigarettes: they’re what’s for breakfast
Numbers are looking good this month
October 28, 2025 at 6:03 AM
Numbers are looking good this month
Boy oh boy I sure do get to prattlin’ when I get some drinks in me
October 27, 2025 at 1:12 AM
Boy oh boy I sure do get to prattlin’ when I get some drinks in me
Cashed in all my age-gap relationship power disparity being an absolute diva about Halloween house party decorations
October 26, 2025 at 4:01 PM
Cashed in all my age-gap relationship power disparity being an absolute diva about Halloween house party decorations
Baby stew anyone?
October 24, 2025 at 11:56 PM
Baby stew anyone?
“When they [Spielberg, Scorsese] first approached me with the character, I knew immediately that I was gonna have to be all in. I mean, it’s the f*cking Minotaur - what am I gonna do, NOT put on 25lbs and get my nipples pierced?! Yeah, right.”
October 24, 2025 at 5:44 PM
“When they [Spielberg, Scorsese] first approached me with the character, I knew immediately that I was gonna have to be all in. I mean, it’s the f*cking Minotaur - what am I gonna do, NOT put on 25lbs and get my nipples pierced?! Yeah, right.”
The key to successfully building a balloon wreath is accepting that you’re in hell
October 24, 2025 at 3:42 PM
The key to successfully building a balloon wreath is accepting that you’re in hell
The social skills I most covet are:
1. The two-hand-clasp handshake
2. Being able to call an old person “old timer” and it be well-received
1. The two-hand-clasp handshake
2. Being able to call an old person “old timer” and it be well-received
October 20, 2025 at 11:19 PM
The social skills I most covet are:
1. The two-hand-clasp handshake
2. Being able to call an old person “old timer” and it be well-received
1. The two-hand-clasp handshake
2. Being able to call an old person “old timer” and it be well-received
I’m the Jay Gatsby of Halloween events and Daisy is my little group of friends who don’t even like to party that much
October 20, 2025 at 9:16 PM
I’m the Jay Gatsby of Halloween events and Daisy is my little group of friends who don’t even like to party that much
No one cared who I was before I put in the fake septum ring
October 18, 2025 at 1:40 AM
No one cared who I was before I put in the fake septum ring
“Because a cat’s the only cat who knowwws where it’s at” I proclaim cryptically, as I fail, yet again, to locate the clitoris
October 17, 2025 at 10:19 PM
“Because a cat’s the only cat who knowwws where it’s at” I proclaim cryptically, as I fail, yet again, to locate the clitoris
These are tricky for me cause it’s basically an unstoppable force (my triceps) vs. an immovable object (all this ass)
October 17, 2025 at 5:06 AM
These are tricky for me cause it’s basically an unstoppable force (my triceps) vs. an immovable object (all this ass)
Compared to every other aspect of the musculoskeletal system, spines fucking suck
October 16, 2025 at 3:12 AM
Compared to every other aspect of the musculoskeletal system, spines fucking suck
My waxer took one look at my legs and said “this is going to be the most satisfying thing I’ve done in a looong time”
October 14, 2025 at 5:43 AM
My waxer took one look at my legs and said “this is going to be the most satisfying thing I’ve done in a looong time”
My body tried to get sick this week and my metaphysical Libra powers were just like lol no 🙅♂️
October 4, 2025 at 10:01 PM
My body tried to get sick this week and my metaphysical Libra powers were just like lol no 🙅♂️
The defenses’ elaborate group celebrations when they score a touchdown are, by far, the best thing about professional football
October 3, 2025 at 11:25 PM
The defenses’ elaborate group celebrations when they score a touchdown are, by far, the best thing about professional football
A definitive ranking of common middle-to-upper-middle-shelf vodkas:
1. Grey Goose
2. Reyka (possible pro-Iceland influence at play)
3. New Amsterdam (hot take)
4. Ciroc
5. Ketel One
6. Absolut
7. Smirnoff
8. Skyy (and only this high for the bottling)
9. Tito’s (hot/correct take)
10. Svedka
1. Grey Goose
2. Reyka (possible pro-Iceland influence at play)
3. New Amsterdam (hot take)
4. Ciroc
5. Ketel One
6. Absolut
7. Smirnoff
8. Skyy (and only this high for the bottling)
9. Tito’s (hot/correct take)
10. Svedka
October 1, 2025 at 10:28 PM
A definitive ranking of common middle-to-upper-middle-shelf vodkas:
1. Grey Goose
2. Reyka (possible pro-Iceland influence at play)
3. New Amsterdam (hot take)
4. Ciroc
5. Ketel One
6. Absolut
7. Smirnoff
8. Skyy (and only this high for the bottling)
9. Tito’s (hot/correct take)
10. Svedka
1. Grey Goose
2. Reyka (possible pro-Iceland influence at play)
3. New Amsterdam (hot take)
4. Ciroc
5. Ketel One
6. Absolut
7. Smirnoff
8. Skyy (and only this high for the bottling)
9. Tito’s (hot/correct take)
10. Svedka