robbwitmer
@robbwitmer.info
The guy who jumped through the wedding cake in the Guns n’ Roses “November Rain” music video
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robbwitmer
@robbwitmer.info
· Mar 30
many people are saying Star Wars really happened
I think the best place to keep this prize is a large building, maybe even one named after myself. because a lot of people will want to come and see it, not because I’m a loser or that I feel like a loser
giving myself a prize for never being a loser, and more importantly, never feeling like a loser
December 19, 2025 at 9:10 PM
I think the best place to keep this prize is a large building, maybe even one named after myself. because a lot of people will want to come and see it, not because I’m a loser or that I feel like a loser
my wife is doing everything in her power to talk me out of writing a post about a Hallmark Xmas movie I just made up called Chugging Christmas about a small town buttchuggist (provides buttchugging services) who gets hired to work a family Xmas party and falls in love. she has a point but
December 13, 2025 at 1:27 AM
my wife is doing everything in her power to talk me out of writing a post about a Hallmark Xmas movie I just made up called Chugging Christmas about a small town buttchuggist (provides buttchugging services) who gets hired to work a family Xmas party and falls in love. she has a point but
PRODUCER 1: Brilliant!!
PRODUCER 2: What a concept!! Die Hard in New York City!! We can’t miss!
P1: Except…
P2: I think I know where you’re going with this…
P1: What if we set the climax at a truckstop in the middle of nowhere, just over the Canadian border??
P2: (nodding) I’ll call our guy.
PRODUCER 2: What a concept!! Die Hard in New York City!! We can’t miss!
P1: Except…
P2: I think I know where you’re going with this…
P1: What if we set the climax at a truckstop in the middle of nowhere, just over the Canadian border??
P2: (nodding) I’ll call our guy.
December 10, 2025 at 10:58 PM
PRODUCER 1: Brilliant!!
PRODUCER 2: What a concept!! Die Hard in New York City!! We can’t miss!
P1: Except…
P2: I think I know where you’re going with this…
P1: What if we set the climax at a truckstop in the middle of nowhere, just over the Canadian border??
P2: (nodding) I’ll call our guy.
PRODUCER 2: What a concept!! Die Hard in New York City!! We can’t miss!
P1: Except…
P2: I think I know where you’re going with this…
P1: What if we set the climax at a truckstop in the middle of nowhere, just over the Canadian border??
P2: (nodding) I’ll call our guy.
giving myself a prize for never being a loser, and more importantly, never feeling like a loser
December 5, 2025 at 6:37 PM
giving myself a prize for never being a loser, and more importantly, never feeling like a loser
1. Defcon 5
2. Defcon 1
3. Defcon 3
4. Defcon 2
5. Defcon 4
Honorable mention: any other Defcons if it goes higher than 5
2. Defcon 1
3. Defcon 3
4. Defcon 2
5. Defcon 4
Honorable mention: any other Defcons if it goes higher than 5
not sure what the worst one is but my favorite defcon is 5
December 3, 2025 at 2:45 AM
1. Defcon 5
2. Defcon 1
3. Defcon 3
4. Defcon 2
5. Defcon 4
Honorable mention: any other Defcons if it goes higher than 5
2. Defcon 1
3. Defcon 3
4. Defcon 2
5. Defcon 4
Honorable mention: any other Defcons if it goes higher than 5
people ask me all the time what the gruntiest movie I’ve ever seen is, and it’s obviously No Holds Barred
November 26, 2025 at 2:03 AM
people ask me all the time what the gruntiest movie I’ve ever seen is, and it’s obviously No Holds Barred
it shouldn’t be Unlucky, it should be Badlucky
November 26, 2025 at 12:01 AM
it shouldn’t be Unlucky, it should be Badlucky
1. the beach
2. the gas station parking that the beach surrounds
3. the panhandle (literally nobody knows what hell is going on over there)
2. the gas station parking that the beach surrounds
3. the panhandle (literally nobody knows what hell is going on over there)
I’m pretty sure Florida is the only state that qualifies as a tri-state area all by itself
November 25, 2025 at 11:19 PM
1. the beach
2. the gas station parking that the beach surrounds
3. the panhandle (literally nobody knows what hell is going on over there)
2. the gas station parking that the beach surrounds
3. the panhandle (literally nobody knows what hell is going on over there)
while many of you are likely yelling “GO TURKEY!” or “GO HAM!” I’m yelling “GO ROBERT MUELLER and the rule of SLAW!” (every Thanksgiving dinner required to have cole slaw)
November 25, 2025 at 11:13 PM
while many of you are likely yelling “GO TURKEY!” or “GO HAM!” I’m yelling “GO ROBERT MUELLER and the rule of SLAW!” (every Thanksgiving dinner required to have cole slaw)
texting my homies to see who up able to liberate
Rep. Salazar: "We're gonna be doing a favor to us, to our children, to our economy, to our oil companies to be able to liberate. And to Venezuelans who wants to be free."
November 24, 2025 at 11:23 PM
texting my homies to see who up able to liberate
hearing this more and more
many people are saying Star Wars really happened
November 24, 2025 at 9:40 PM
hearing this more and more
Counterpoint: starring in Passenger 57 should exempt you from paying income taxes for the rest of your life
November 22, 2025 at 1:05 AM
Counterpoint: starring in Passenger 57 should exempt you from paying income taxes for the rest of your life
When the going gets weird, the weird write blogs:
Trump's Heaven Application
Trump's Heaven Application
Trump’s Heaven Application
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take
thederelictpress.com
November 21, 2025 at 7:44 PM
When the going gets weird, the weird write blogs:
Trump's Heaven Application
Trump's Heaven Application
Nalin' Haley is not a person, it was an alt rock band from Orange County in the mid 90's that was halfway decent but could never figure out how to write hit songs like Sugar Ray did
Nalin Haley: "It's irresponsible to have legal immigration."
November 20, 2025 at 9:49 PM
Nalin' Haley is not a person, it was an alt rock band from Orange County in the mid 90's that was halfway decent but could never figure out how to write hit songs like Sugar Ray did
this didn’t work when Universal launched the Big Cheese Cinematic Universe (cheddar, swiss, american, etc) and it’s not going to work now
United Talent Agency has signed literal type of cheese Parmigiano Reggiano to its roster with the goal of finding product-placement opportunities for the brand in film and TV
www.vulture.com/article/parm...?
www.vulture.com/article/parm...?
Beloved Cheese Parmigiano Reggiano Signs With UTA
The blonde Italian bombshell is about to be all over film and TV.
www.vulture.com
November 19, 2025 at 11:34 PM
this didn’t work when Universal launched the Big Cheese Cinematic Universe (cheddar, swiss, american, etc) and it’s not going to work now
when the going gets weird, the weird write blogs:
“SpermCommand” Group Chat Revealed!
“SpermCommand” Group Chat Revealed!
“SpermCommand” Group Chat Revealed!
Confidential discussions at the highest levels of government
thederelictpress.com
November 19, 2025 at 6:22 PM
when the going gets weird, the weird write blogs:
“SpermCommand” Group Chat Revealed!
“SpermCommand” Group Chat Revealed!
Scientists have never been able to figure out what causes belly button lint, but we’re getting closer each and every day. That’s why federal STEM funding is so important. In this essay I will
November 19, 2025 at 2:33 AM
Scientists have never been able to figure out what causes belly button lint, but we’re getting closer each and every day. That’s why federal STEM funding is so important. In this essay I will
SCULLY: This is insane. There’s no real evidence to back up any of those claims.
MULDER: Oh really? How many of the twenty thousand emails have you read?!
SCULLY: You actually believe that the president of the United States blows goats?
MULDER: Oh really? How many of the twenty thousand emails have you read?!
SCULLY: You actually believe that the president of the United States blows goats?
November 18, 2025 at 9:40 PM
SCULLY: This is insane. There’s no real evidence to back up any of those claims.
MULDER: Oh really? How many of the twenty thousand emails have you read?!
SCULLY: You actually believe that the president of the United States blows goats?
MULDER: Oh really? How many of the twenty thousand emails have you read?!
SCULLY: You actually believe that the president of the United States blows goats?
I spent all of 2022 writing The Great American Novel, and this is as far as I got
it’s a very old-fashioned thing, one-man bands,
November 18, 2025 at 8:02 PM
I spent all of 2022 writing The Great American Novel, and this is as far as I got
upon reflection, I’ve decided that putting a sentient cocaine party in charge of the government was a mistake
November 18, 2025 at 7:36 PM
upon reflection, I’ve decided that putting a sentient cocaine party in charge of the government was a mistake