Uncle Steve is back at the table armed with the usual Fox-flavored folklore: “schools are indoctrinating kids,” “it’s grooming,” “trans is a trend,” and the classic imaginary litter box story (because nothing says serious political thought like a viral hoax). We translate the subtext, fear, control, and borrowed children-as-shields, and then hand listeners a stack of boundary-setting comebacks that keep dinner from turning into a cable-news hostage situation. Part two leans hard into the big-ticket holiday hits: the “God made male and female” bumper-sticker theology, the weaponized “mental illness” label, and the exhausting “I can’t keep up with pronouns” routine (spoiler: they can learn quinoa, but not basic respect). You also point out the recurring hypocrisy: if the crowd’s actually worried about kids, maybe panic less about “crotches” and more about, you know… school shootings. But sure, let’s pretend “Happy Holidays” is the real oppression. And just when Steve tries to launch the War on Christmas™, you torch it with humor, practical redirects, and the reminder that “persecution” is not “a cashier used a generic greeting at Target.” Bonus detours include green bean casserole slander, “hide the pickle” lore, peanuts-in-the-stocking-toe traditions, and the exact kind of petty chaos that keeps your sanity intact. Now go eat something delicious and refuse to litigate human rights over gravy. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * “Think of the kids!” as a convenient emotional shield (and how to call it out without flipping the table) * The “indoctrination” panic… from people whose churches run kid-programming as a business model * “It’s grooming” —what grooming actually is (hint: not “don’t bully people”) * “Trans is a trend / social contagion” and why that language is just dehumanization in a lab coat * “God made male and female” + “sinful” = theology-as-excuse for contempt (and why “love your neighbor” doesn’t have an asterisk) * “I can’t keep up with pronouns” (a.k.a. selective incompetence as a personality) * “You can’t even say Merry Christmas anymore” and other persecution fantasies * “Christian America” claims, Founders context, and the “please shut up and pass the casserole” exit strategy 💬 Best Quote from the Episode (actual quote): “You can learn the word quinoa, but you cannot keep up with pronouns.” --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s a Christmas Eve special, recorded on “Christmas Eve Eve” (aka “Christmas Steve Eve”), where Husband and Wife roleplay the dreaded holiday boss fight: Uncle Dude Bro (a.k.a. Steve) and Aunt Karen, armed with bumper-sticker theology, cable-news grievances, and the unstoppable urge to ruin the ham with culture-war nonsense. The hosts roll out a grab bag of survival tactics: polite shut-downs, hard redirects (“Who made this pie? It is criminally delish.”), allyship call-outs, and the crowd-pleasing move, weaponizing the Bible back at Christians (because if they want “biblical marriage,” congrats, they just signed up for polygamy, concubines, and assorted Old Testament weirdness). This episode’s greatest hits include responses to: “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” “I’m not homophobic, but…,” and “People are too sensitive.” Also: a cameo from Gen Z queer energy, point, laugh, and hit ’em with the “stinky” hand-wave, and a mini-rant about how these “just joking” lines are often code for “I’d like credit for being nice while saying something mean.” 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * “Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve” — and how to shut it down without flipping the gravy boat * Redirect magic: pie praise, Christmas movies, and “Die Hard is a Christmas movie” derailments * The “I’m not homophobic, but…” disclaimer (aka the verbal airhorn before the bad take) * Bible-based clapbacks: “traditional marriage” turns into a Leviticus-level mess real fast * “People are too sensitive” — or maybe you’re just being a dick, Steve * How to be an ally at the table without becoming the night’s designated punching bag * When to set a boundary, when to walk away, and when to let silence do the stabbing 💬 Best Quote from the Episode: “Let’s not do bumper sticker theology over dinner, Uncle Steve.” --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Judas Maccabeus is back on his murder tour, and this time 1 Maccabees 7 serves up beheaded generals, and one extremely “arrogant” right hand that ends up hanging "beside" Jerusalem like a bloody lawn ornament. The crew kicks off by trying (and failing) to untangle which Antiochus is which, who Demetrius is replacing, and whether anyone in this book has ever heard of clear pronouns. War elephants from the last chapter get a recap, John-Wick-style martyrdom included. We meet new villains—Bacchides, Alcimus, and Nicanor, all of whom swear “peace” with the same sincerity as a televangelist asking for seed money. The hosts roast their oath-breaking nonsense, the constant ambushes, and the idea that cussing in the temple is somehow worse than slaughtering entire armies. They land on the 13th of Adar as a bloody victory day and start plotting how to celebrate it with a fake head and a giant foam hand nailed “beside the house.” Along the way, they rant about divine hitman prayers (“Dear God, please kill these dudes for us”), the Bible’s obsession with vengeance, and how every “great army” somehow folds like wet cardboard the second Judas shows up. If you like your Bible with a side of profanity, historical snark, and total disrespect for holy war propaganda, this one’s for you. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * Judas Maccabeus vs. Demetrius, Bacchides, Alcimus, and Nicanor – the never-ending war of guy-with-army vs. guy-with-army * Oath-breaking “men of peace” who always show up with swords and backup troops * Priests begging God to commit mass murder because someone blasphemed in the temple * The 13th of Adar, Nicanor’s defeat, and why his chopped-off head and right hand become party décor * Bible propaganda 101: how to spin slaughter into “godly justice” * The hosts’ total confusion over who killed whom… and righteous mockery of biblical pronoun soup * Brainstorming a modern Nicanor Day with foam hands and plastic heads on the lawn 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“Dear God, please fucking kill those guys that are making me so mad.”  --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1 Maccabees 11 is basically Game of Thrones if every character had the same three names and the narrator kept shouting “he” like it explains anything. Ptolemy rolls into Syria “with words of peace” (classic), plants garrisons everywhere (less peaceful), and then the whole Alexander–Cleopatra situation turns into a diplomatic soap opera where wives get traded like baseball cards and heads get mailed as party favors. Meanwhile, Jonathan keeps doing what Jonathan does: besiege first, ask questions never, and then show up with a pile of shiny bribes like he’s trying to buy a VIP wristband to the Seleucid afterparty. Demetrius is mad… until he’s thrilled… until he’s mad again—because loyalty in this chapter lasts roughly the lifespan of a cheap candle. There’s also a glorious moment where the hosts basically scream into the void about how God is barely in this book, because this isn’t “divine providence,” it’s raw politics, opportunism, and dudes swapping crowns like Funko Pops. And just when you think the chapter might settle down, it veers into citywide slaughter numbers, sudden revolts, Tryphon dragging a new Antiochus onto the stage (because of course), and a final battle where everyone runs away until Jonathan rage-prays and flips the script. If you like your Bible stories confusing, violent, and suspiciously modern in their power games—welcome home. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * 1 Maccabees 11: the “who’s king this week?” chapter * Ptolemy’s “peace tour” that somehow includes garrisons and conquest * Cleopatra gets traded like a political coupon * Alexander loses his head—literally—and the plot keeps sprinting * Jonathan’s signature move: besiege + bribe + become besties * Demetrius uses the Jews to save his throne… then immediately turns on them * Tryphon + a new Antiochus = sequel bait nobody asked for * The hosts’ running theme: Where the hell is God in all this? 💬 Best Quote from the Episode: “If you stick your dick in enough holes, one of them might be a vagina.” --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, the Maccabees aren’t the only drama queens — King Antiochus IV basically has a full-on meltdown because he didn’t get to steal enough gold, then decides he’s dying of feelings instead of, you know, old age. The hosts walk through 1 Maccabees 6, dragging the idea that this genocidal tyrant suddenly grew a conscience about Jerusalem while he’s still out looting temples and throwing imperial tantrums. We also get into how “history is written by the winners” translates into “of course they made the villain repent on his deathbed,” and why that’s some seriously self-serving fanfic. From there, things escalate into absolute chaos: mercenaries, massive armies, and the world’s saddest war elephant snuff scene. The text lovingly details a huge Hellenistic army with 100,000 infantry, cavalry, and thirty-two war elephants in armored towers… only for the story to pivot into John-Wick-meets-Disney as one dude dives under an elephant, kills it, and gets flattened like a Looney Tunes gag. The hosts roast the absurd battle math (600 casualties out of 120,000? really?), the propaganda spin, and the way both ancient Israel and modern states weaponize “self-defense” to justify collective punishment and ethnic cleansing. We also detour into aliens, Trump’s ketchup-on-the-wall energy, Taylor Swift learning football, and why every empire — ancient or modern — swears it’s “defending itself” while committing atrocities. And just when it looks like there might be a political compromise, King Antiochus V swears an oath, marches up to Mount Zion, sees how strong it is… and immediately breaks his promise and tears down the walls. Because of course he does. If you’ve ever wondered how Bible stories normalize betrayal, conquest, and genocidal vibes while pretending it’s all holy and justified — this episode is your poison. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * War elephants and battlefield cosplay in 1 Maccabees 6 — 32 armored elephants, towers, Indian drivers, and maximum overcompensation * How Antiochus IV’s “I’m dying of grief” monologue is pure propaganda, not a real moral awakening * The Maccabees as “freedom fighters”… who also commit genocide and ethnic cleansing, just like every other empire in this book * Parallels between ancient “we’re just defending ourselves” rhetoric and modern justifications for collective punishment and occupation * The absolutely ridiculous “one guy versus an army” hero narrative, complete with elephant assassination and cartoon-level physics * Oath-breaking kings, broken walls, and why political power in the Bible is just vibes plus violence * Side quests: Trump’s temper tantrums, Taylor Swift learning football, Rogue One, John Wick, and why good writing clearly did not inspire this chapter 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“Sorry. I don't believe in, uh, people committing genocides. I think that that is bad and wrong.” --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Pronouns in 1 Maccabees 8–10 are doing crimes against clarity, so we hit pause and run a full-on Q&A intervention. Judas hears about Rome (yes, that Rome), decides “distant empire bestie” is a solid plan, and sends envoys to lock in a treaty… which mostly functions as a symbolic “don’t make me call my big cousin” threat. Then the story hard-swerves into “and now Judas is dead because… choices.” Demetrius I sends Bacchides to crush the rebels, the movement splinters, and we finally decode who the “lawless” actually are (spoiler: collaborators). With Judas gone, Jonathan takes over and switches from battlefield heroics to pure political chess—playing rival claimants (Alexander vs. Demetrius) to claw out legitimacy and autonomy. And because we’re apparently masochists, we compare the first ten chapters to Josephus, who rewrites the same events with a Greco-Roman “everybody calm down, Rome is totally benevolent” filter. It’s historiography meets PR cleanup: the Macadoodles are writing revolutionary memory; Josephus is writing “please don’t revolt again” damage control. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * Rome shows up like a mythic superhero… then immediately “leaves the chat.” * Judas sends envoys west, because nothing says “freedom” like foreign empire paperwork. * Judas dies at the battle of Elasa and the rebellion’s vibes collapse instantly. * “The lawless” finally decoded: collaborators aligned with the Seleucids. * Jonathan replaces sword-swinging with backroom dealing (and it works). * Alexander Balas vs. Demetrius I: two kings fighting over Jonathan like he’s the last Wi-Fi password in town. * The high priesthood gets politicized; appointed by an outside king, not hereditary. * Josephus vs. 1 Maccabees: same history, wildly different spin, rebellion vs. respectability politics. 💬 Best Quote from the Episode: “So much is because of pronoun abuse.” --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We zoom straight into the messy middle: the hosts map the Old Testament’s timeline, drag the canon-adjacent weirdness, and keep asking the only sane question—why do Christians never study the parts that break their doctrine? Cue First Enoch: angels sneak down for some pre-Flood “romance,” producing the giant Nephilim—yes, really—and setting the stage before Noah ever builds a boat. From there, Second Enoch one-ups the cosmic fanfic with ten heavens and a celestial tour that even the hosts call… boring (their words, not ours). Then comes the twist most pew-sitters miss: Job doesn’t belong where your printed Bible shelved him. He actually slots back into the Genesis era—roughly Abraham-time (~2100 BCE)—which is why your mental map keeps breaking. The episode also pins the patriarchal period (Abraham → Isaac → Jacob → Joseph) to a working window of 2100–1800 BCE, ending with Israel parked in Egypt and waiting for Exodus to kick off. Along the way, the hosts rant—gloriously—about how weaponized Christianity depends on not letting people ask questions. You know, because power loves a fog machine. Expect digressions (Netflix rabbis, Discord chaos), unfiltered language, and a very practical promise: this mini-arc is building a clean chronology so the New Testament takedown lands even harder. Listen, laugh, and load up on heresy fuel. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * First Enoch: Pre-Flood angel–human hookups and Nephilim lore, before Noah ever shows up * Second Enoch: The “ten heavens” tour and why even fans of chaos said “hard pass” * Job in Genesis?! Re-shelving Job to the Abraham era (~2100 BCE) so the timeline actually makes sense * Patriarchal Period (Genesis 12–50) dated to 2100–1800 BCE; Jacob→Israel; Joseph drags everyone to Egypt * Genesis wraps in Egypt, teeing up Exodus and the Moses show * Why churches fear questions: the rant about religion as a power tool you’re trained not to interrogate 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“There is so much nefarious bullshit weaponized behind what Christianity is… you aren’t allowed to question it.” --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Judas Maccabeus is back, and this time he’s on full genocidal tour mode. In 1 Maccabees 5, our hosts walk through a chapter that reads less like “faith heroism” and more like “war crime highlight reel” — burning people alive in towers, slaughtering “all the males,” torching temples, and then calling it holy victory. They dig into how the text frames this as righteous defense while clearly crossing the line into mass murder, drawing sharp (and uncomfortable) parallels to modern “we’re just defending ourselves” rhetoric around Israel, Hamas, and the language of genocide. Along the way, they wrestle with the Bible’s absolute mess of pronouns (“this isn’t representation, it’s pronoun abuse”), try to untangle who’s killing whom in Gilead, and mock the hilariously lazy body counts where 3,000 soldiers somehow kill… exactly 3,000 enemies. Judas keeps burning cities, temples, and altars like a Yahweh-flavored arsonist, while the hosts point out that this is the winner’s version of history — and it still makes Judas look like a monster. Because it’s Sacrilegious Discourse, the carnage is broken up with digressions about Starbucks honey bear mugs, Stanley Cups culture, and how manufactured scarcity is the capitalist cousin of religious gatekeeping. There’s snark about priests “doing exploits unadvisedly,” a side rant about how this book probably didn’t make the canon because it’s badly written and obsessed with war porn, and a whole mini-bit about how much easier life would be if everyone was on Husband’s wavelength… which, frankly, might still be less terrifying than Yahweh’s. If you love an atheist Bible podcast that calls genocide genocide — even when the Bible tries to wrap it in incense and altar smoke — this episode is for you. Listen to the chaos, rage-laugh at the theology, and then come yell about it with other godless nerds. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com • Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC • Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * Judas Maccabeus as Yahweh’s favorite war criminal — burning towers, temples, and whole cities in 1 Maccabees 5 * “Defense” vs. genocide: how the text sounds uncomfortably similar to modern Israel/Palestine rhetoric * The Bible’s pronoun problem: when “they” makes the plot completely incomprehensible * Copy-paste body counts: why every battle somehow ends with perfectly round numbers of dead guys * Priests doing “exploits” and getting slaughtered for absolutely no good reason * Burning other people’s altars while complaining when yours get smashed — religious hypocrisy in real time * Starbucks bears, Stanley cups, and the unholy trinity of manufactured scarcity, capitalism, and fandom 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“This is not defense. This is actively murdering.”  --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week on Sacrilegious Discourse, we slog through 1 Maccabees 10, a chapter that’s basically Game of Thrones if every character was a walking pronoun problem and every plot twist was solved with a gift basket. Alexander Epiphanes shows up, grabs territory, and Demetrius responds like a petty ex—“NO, I’M the king!”—and suddenly everyone’s trying to buy Jonathan’s loyalty like he’s the swing state of Judea. The highlight: political bribery dressed up as “friendship.” One guy offers tax breaks and construction money like he’s running a campaign platform, and the other sends a purple robe like it’s an MLM starter kit. Jonathan pops on the holy outfit at The Feast of Tabernacles and the hosts spiral into “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” vibes, Alexander Hamilton jokes, and the uncomfortable realization that this “Bible” content keeps forgetting to include… God. And because holy war stories can’t just be politics, they’ve also gotta be war crimes, we get cities burned, a temple torched, and an “about 8,000 men” body count delivered with the same energy as reviewing a bad Yelp experience. Then Jonathan gets rewarded with a golden buckle (Texas core) and more land, because apparently the theological message of the day is: “massacre first, accessorize later.” 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * 1 Maccabees 10 as a “historical” book that keeps forgetting to be… y’know… religious * Demetrius vs. Alexander: the ancient world’s dumbest loyalty bidding war * Purple robes, holy garments, and “high priest” cosplay as political power plays * “We’ll grant you immunities” — ancient tax policy bribery, now in Bible flavor * Cleopatra shows up (not that Cleopatra) and the kings throw a pomp-filled wedding * The “pronoun fog” rant: who pursued whom and why this book wants us to suffer * Burning cities + a temple = “gross” (correct) * 8,000 dead/burned… then a shiny buckle reward because priorities are garbage 💬 Best Quote from the Episode: “If you have sex with Antiochus… then you can say… I had an epiphany.” --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this chaotic tour through 1 Kings and 2 Kings, your favorite godless duo wraps up the Deuteronomistic history by time-lining Israel’s slow-motion trainwreck into exile. We’re talking Solomon’s “wisest man alive” era that still somehow ends in idolatry, dick-led decision-making, and a kingdom split because his son Rehoboam is a petty little tyrant. From Jerusalem to Samaria, golden calves to pop-up worship centers, they drag every bad leadership choice that supposedly made God big mad—while also side-eyeing how convenient it is that women and “foreign wives” get blamed for everything. Then it’s on to 2 Kings, where the divided kingdoms of Israel and Judah take turns face-planting into history. Assyria sacks the north, Babylon finishes off the south, and a parade of prophets—Elijah, Elisha, Amos, Hosea, Micah, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, maybe even Obadiah if the timeline behaves—show up just in time to be ignored. The hosts roast the idea that God is “teaching lessons” through mass suffering, point out how wildly unjust it is to blame entire nations on one king’s theology, and land on the real thesis: God is a retrofitted explanation for whatever political disaster already happened—a literal plug-and-play tool. 📌 Topics Covered: * Solomon the “wise” king who still manages to get led astray by wealth, wives, and weaponized misogyny * Rehoboam and Jeroboam: how bad leadership and rival worship sites fracture the so-called united kingdom * Elijah vs. Ahab and Jezebel on Mount Carmel—fire from heaven, Baal drama, and theological dick-measuring contests * The rise and fall of Israel (north) to Assyria and Judah (south) to Babylon—aka “covenant loyalty” spin versus obvious political failure * Minor prophets in their actual timeline: Amos, Hosea, Micah, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Jonah and more, shoved back into Second Kings where they belong * Why blaming entire national collapses on one king’s “idolatry” is morally disgusting—and historically lazy * The hosts’ take that God is basically a political post-it note slapped on events after the fact: “This is why terrible or wonderful things happen.” * A final “hopeful” note with a half-free king in Babylon… that doesn’t really fix the centuries of divine abuse and exile 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“It almost feels like God is usually like almost an afterthought in their stories because they plug him in post whatever happened.” 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 If you like what you heard (or hated it in the right way), support our blasphemy on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Trump’s Religious Liberty Commission (created by executive order on May 1, 2025) gets the Sacrilegious Discourse treatment: suspicious side-eye, gallows humor, and a full roll-call of the “God Club” lineup, starting with chair Dan Patrick and vice-chair Ben Carson. The hosts tear into what “religious liberty” actually means when it’s being pitched by Christian power brokers: not freedom from religion, but freedom to be religious at everyone else, especially in government and the military. The episode spotlights the Commission’s hearings (including the fourth hearing on religious liberty in the military on December 11) and why the “we just want to distribute Bibles” vibe is doing a lot of theocratic heavy lifting. And then it gets even weirder: the list includes prosperity gospel powerhouse Paula White, political operator Pam Bondi, and, because reality is a prank, Dr. Phil. The conversation bounces between rage, sarcasm, and dark “are we getting hauled to a tribunal?” humor, plus a mini detour where the audience live-fact-checks a “robber barons” argument mid-recording. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * Trump’s Religious Liberty Commission, created May 1, 2025 (and already giving “oops, all theocrats” energy) * The “God Club” roster: Dan Patrick, Ben Carson, and an avalanche of culture-war Catholic/Christian operatives * The December 11 hearing on “religious liberty in the military” and why that phrase should come with a warning label * The quiet part out loud: “religious liberty” as a pipeline to Christian nationalism in public institutions * IRS “won’t enforce the Johnson Amendment” and why that’s basically a tax-free megaphone for political church campaigns * Prosperity gospel cameo: Paula White (because of course) * The “worst timeline” casting choice: Dr. Phil on a religious liberty commission (make it stop) * Live Discord fact-check energy: the robber barons argument that became an on-air victory lap 💬 Best Quote from the Episode (actual quote): “Jesus Christ. Um, this is the worst possible timeline. It’s so badly written.” --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Judas Maccabeus is back on his murder tour, and 1 Maccabees 4 turns him into the ancient Near Eastern John Wick with a Bible plug. The hosts walk through Judas outsmarting “Gorgeous” Gorgias and his chosen cavalry (which obviously implies there’s a sad pile of very unchosen horse guys somewhere), dunk on the propaganda-level casualty reports, and side-eye a story where thousands of enemies die and somehow not a single Israelite stubbed a toe. Once the bodies hit the floor, the text swerves hard into temple-renovation-core. Judas and crew go from battlefield to HGTV: smashing the “defiled” altar, dragging naughty stones to an “unclean place,” appointing magically blameless priests, and rebuilding everything so God doesn’t get his divine feelings hurt. The hosts crack up over sea-purple fabrics, curtain discourse, and the fact that everyone sobs over broken priest chambers right after slaughtering 5,000 people. Then comes the big reveal: this is the origin story of Hanukkah—eight days of rededicating the altar, singing, instruments, sacrifices, and absolutely zero dreidels. The hosts connect it to modern Thanksgiving, share how their own family meal split neatly into right-wing table vs. everyone else, shout out a listener’s “indigenous genocide whitewashing day” line, and rant about how believers give God credit for everything good while ignoring human effort, science, and surgeons. They even fantasize about running actual “God studies” to test prayer—spoiler: the data’s not looking heavenly. Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com, drag gods with us in real time on Discord, and help fund more biblical takedowns and Maccabean side-eye by tossing a shekel or two at Patreon. Don’t forget: 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * Judas Maccabeus vs. “Gorgeous” Gorgias — ancient war story or divinely sponsored fanfic power fantasy? * How the rededication of the temple in 1 Maccabees 4 quietly becomes the gritty origin story of Hanukkah * Chosen cavalry, unchosen cavalry, and why this text reads like a propaganda pamphlet with no Jewish casualties listed * Priests crying over wrecked chambers right after mass slaughter — peak biblical priorities * “Defiled stones,” altar drama, and rebuilding God’s barbecue pit from scratch so he won’t be mad anymore * Thanksgiving, “indigenous genocide whitewashing day,” and how modern holidays echo the same whitewashed triumph narratives * A rant on prayer “studies,” why giving God the credit erases real human work, and the dream of actual science-based “God research” --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week on Sacrilegious Discourse, we crack open 1 Maccabees 9 and immediately get hit with seasonal chaos (“Jingle bell, jingle bell…”), plus a refresher rant about the book’s absolute felony-level pronoun abuse. Husband and Wife are begging the text to pick a “they” and stay there—because it keeps swapping who the subject is mid-sentence like it’s trying to start a fight. Chapter-wise, the big headline is: Judas goes full macho “die with honor” mode instead of doing the sensible thing (retreat, regroup), and—shocking twist—gets killed for it. The hosts call it: this was telegraphed, and the Maccabean “Klingon code” is not a survival strategy. After Judas drops, the story lurches into famine, betrayal, and Bacchides playing whack-a-rebel—while Jonathan inherits the mess and tries to do war logistics with “storage unit” energy and a wedding ambush that even the hosts can’t confidently untangle. Then we get a Jordan River escape that turns into fantasy lore (“are they fae??”), and the episode closes out with a rare vibe for this book: basically no God involvement—just humans doing human violence and calling it destiny. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * 1 Maccabees 9 recap—Judas chooses “honor” and immediately eats consequences. * Pronoun abuse so bad it becomes a recurring character. * “Albus Dumbledore” and Bacchides return—because history needed a villain rerun. * Jonathan takes over, everyone panics, and the plot starts sprinting sideways. * The Jordan River escape… plus the theory that the enemy can’t cross water because fae rules, apparently. * “Authors of wickedness” becomes an accidental career aspiration (briefly). * The episode’s running theme: less “God did it,” more “people did war.” 💬 Best Quote from the Episode: “I want to be an author of wickedness… Oh, my God. Oh, that is my… My goal in life now is to be an author of the wickedness.”  --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, the heathen duo dive into 1 Maccabees 3, where Judas Maccabeus rolls up in his giant breastplate, steals a fancy sword, and proceeds to “defend God’s law” by killing a lot of people—aka, the Bible’s favorite hobby. They recap how Antiochus IV Epiphanes tried to erase Jewish identity, desecrate the temple, and outlaw all the “penis-chopping things” (circumcision), then follow the narrative as Judas is framed as a heroic lion… who also sounds suspiciously like the protagonist of a very Old Testament-themed war crime. The hosts call out how the text keeps labeling enemies as “the lawless,” which conveniently makes everyone Judas kills retroactively evil—because nothing says moral clarity like writing your own war propaganda. They compare the Maccabean revolt to a proto–Crusade, talk about how religious violence just keeps getting recycled into modern conflicts (hello, Gaza), and ask the obvious: if the Sabbath martyrs were perfectly obedient, why didn’t God bother to protect them? Instead, their deaths are basically used as plot coupons to justify later breaking God’s own rules. Of course, this is Sacrilegious Discourse, so there are detours: a glowing recommendation of The Promised Land (aka “The Office but for the Old Testament”), a Sherlock “I’ll burn you” thirst tangent, a whole ADHD brain bit where Husband continues a conversation he’s only been having in his own head for two hours, and an anti–Christmas tree rant that manages to roast both environmental damage and pagan appropriation. There’s also some reassuring “Mommy and Daddy are fine” marital banter, complete with opposites-attract chaos and the important theological conclusion that every ancient dude was “murdery, rapey, slave-owning” and can, frankly, get in line to lick Wife’s ass. If you like your Bible breakdowns with genocide side-eye, ADHD tangents, and zero respect for holy war, this one’s for you. Listen, rage-laugh, and then: 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * 1 Maccabees 3 and the rise of Judas Maccabeus as God’s favorite murder machine * “The lawless” as biblical propaganda for “everyone we don’t like” * Jewish revolt vs. imperial brutality — and how it rhymes with modern holy violence * The “Jewish Crusades” vibe and genocide math that never quite adds up * Heaven name-dropped like it’s just… always been there, sure, why not * ADHD brain, unfinished conversations, and accidental live-on-Discord marital spats * Christmas trees, pagan roots, environmental waste, and why Jesus doesn’t need your dead shrub * TV recs: The Promised Land, Sherlock, and how Moriarty lives rent-free in their heads 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“If I’m being real, I think that all the dudes back then were all murdery, rapey, slave owning… and they can all lick my ass.” --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1 Maccabees 8 is basically ancient geopolitics with the world’s worst pronoun problem. We spend half the episode doing live “pronoun triage” just to figure out who’s conquering whom (again). At one point, the text produces a sentence so cursed you both stop to verbally stare at it in disgust. Then the chapter swerves into full Roman propaganda: “Rome is so valiant… and also valiant… and did we mention valiant?”—plus a highlight reel of Roman wins (Spain mines, elephants, tribute, yada yada) while we side-eye how this reads like a hype brochure for the future empire that will absolutely eat everyone later. The punchline is Judas sending envoys to Rome to lock in an alliance and the treaty language lands like the ancient version of a mutual-defense pact. You clock it immediately: “Oh, my God. This is totally NATO.” Then we acknowledge the obvious: pulling in the Romans for help is… not a “long-term success strategy.” 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * 1 Maccabees 8 as an atheist Bible podcast case study in “pronouns: enemy of clarity.” * Rome’s “we’re so badass” montage—Spain, tribute, elephants, and imperial chest-thumping. * The hosts translating “they/them” into “Romans/Greeks” like it’s an emergency decoding session. * Judas plays diplomacy: sending envoys to the Roman Senate for alliance and peace. * The treaty reads like mutual defense—our “ancient NATO” moment. * The ominous foreshadowing: Rome as the helpful “friend” who later becomes your whole problem. --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We’re pre-gaming Enoch—the apocryphal fever dream Christians can’t stop half-quoting when angels get horny and giants show up. Consider this your atheist field guide to the Watchers, their disastrous “heavenly HR violations,” and how this book helped turbocharge demon lore, apocalyptic fanfic, and every YouTuber who thinks fallen angels invented metallurgy just to ruin your day. We also get into why Enoch didn’t make the Protestant cut, how it still haunts modern theology, and the messy overlap with Genesis 6 (hello, Nephilim). Expect snark, side-quests, and a few “did the prophet just say that out loud?” moments—because yes, Enoch is that extra. Listen, rage, laugh, repeat… then come argue with us on Discord. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * Who are the Watchers? Angelic creeps, cosmic tattletales, or both * Nephilim 101: Giants, myths, and why this still infects pop theology * Why Enoch got the boot: Canon politics and apocrypha drama * Enoch vs. Genesis 6: Same lore, wilder energy * Apocalypse aesthetics: Demons, doom, and second-temple fan service * Modern fallout: From church basements to conspiracy TikTok --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, the hosts dive into 1 Maccabees 2, where we finally meet Matthias and his five sons— including the soon-to-be-brand-name rebel, Judas Maccabeus. Antiochus Epiphanes is still out here doing fascism with extra steps, trying to scrub out Jewish identity and force Greek culture down everyone’s throat. Matthias responds by going full zealot: he refuses the king’s offer of wealth and status, then immediately murders a fellow Jew for complying and also kills the king’s officer for good measure. So yeah… it’s “freedom” via mandatory obedience— just from a different side. From there, things escalate into guerrilla resistance, Sabbath-day massacres, and one of the most unhinged bits in the chapter: roaming bands of rebels forcibly circumcising men across Israel. The hosts lean all the way into the horror-comedy of “penis choppers in the street,” the logistics of unsanitized sword surgery, and what it means when your religious liberty movement immediately turns into “convert or bleed.” They also skewer the absurd martyrdom logic of refusing to fight on the Sabbath— right up until everyone realizes, “Oh, if we keep doing that, we just… all die.” Matthias eventually gives a long, dramatic deathbed speech name-dropping Abraham, Joseph, Phinehas, Joshua, Caleb, David, Elijah, Daniel, Hananiah, Azariah, and Mishael, as if citing Bible fan-favorites can justify everything from forced piety to violent uprising. Then the text casually claims he dies at 146 years old, which the hosts gleefully rip apart with lunar-year math, skepticism, and a side quest into modern longevity. Along the way, they dunk on circular-faith logic, mock divine absenteeism, and riff with Care Bear stares, Jerry Maguire references, and future book titles like Dong and Worms. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * Atheist breakdown of 1 Maccabees 2 and the rise of Matthias and Judas Maccabeus * Antiochus Epiphanes’ crusade to erase Jewish identity and enforce Greek culture * When “religious freedom” means you must obey my god or die— just with a different flag * The Sabbath massacre and why “we don’t fight today” is a terrible survival strategy * Horrifying comedy: roaming bands forcibly circumcising men with battlefield tools * Deathbed hype speech: biblical hero roll call used as propaganda for holy violence * That ridiculous “he died at 146 years old” claim and the lunar-vs-solar-year rant * Ongoing theme: circular faith logic, divine silence, and why God never shows up for his own side 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“But, like, if the penis choppers came down the street, I'd be like, fuck this shit. I'm going to Canada now.”  --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you thought 1 Maccabees was confusing the first time through, welcome to the Q&A episode where we prove it wasn’t just you, it’s the text. The hosts dive into chapters 1–7 and immediately tackle the big brain question: is Eupator related to Jupiter? Short answer: nope. Longer answer: his name basically means “son of awesome dad,” because Antiochus IV Epiphanes was so full of himself he named his kid after his own greatness... right before we detour into how Darth Vader literally means “Dark Father.” Then we finally untangle that maddening date-counting system. Every “in the 137th year…” line is pegged to the Seleucid Era starting around 312 BCE, but with Syrians counting autumn-to-autumn and Jews counting spring-to-spring, so all the dates are off by a year depending on whose calendar you’re using. It’s not you; it’s ancient imperial bookkeeping. From there, the episode wades into the absolute pronoun soup of 1 Maccabees 7: Demetrius I murders the child-king Eupator, Alci–sorry, Albus Dumbledore (Alcimus) sells out Judas to the Greeks, Bacchides and Nicanor take turns trying to crush the revolt, and the so-called “wicked Jews” and “faithful Jews” mostly look like people just trying not to die under whichever empire currently has the bigger sword. The hosts call out how both sides weaponize “faithfulness,” and even tie it to modern intra-Jewish and Israel/Palestine tensions—same God, different factions, infinite bloodshed. It all climaxes with Nicanor’s Day: Judas kills Nicanor, they chop off his head and right hand, and the Jews turn it into a yearly celebration on the 13th of Adar—basically the day before Purim—until later rabbis go, “Yeah, maybe we don’t center a mutilation festival in the liturgical calendar.” Now it survives mostly as an obscure historical footnote… or as an excuse for the hosts to propose atheist meetups involving a giant foam hand and a fake severed head. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * Why Eupator is not Jupiter—and how his name basically translates to “Son of Awesome Me” * The Seleucid Era date mess: autumn vs. spring years and why the numbers never quite line up * Breaking down the chaos of 1 Maccabees 7: who killed whom, and why every “he” is a jump-scare for your brain * Alcimus/“Albus Dumbledore” as a traitorous descendant of Aaron angling for that high priest clout * The Hasideans: pious idealists, useful idiots, or just people who didn’t want to get murdered today * Nicanor’s Day—the bloody holiday that got quietly yeeted from the Jewish calendar * Parallels between Maccabean factionalism and modern fights over what it means to be a “good Jew” or “good believer” * Foam hands, fake heads, and how to turn a forgotten holy day into an atheist block party 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“What the fuck even happened in chapter seven with all the pronouns?”  --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Forget cozy Sunday school—this episode yanks you straight into the Deuteronomistic history, where obedience allegedly brings “blessing” and disobedience gets you earthquakes, exile, and the occasional mass slaughter… all lovingly curated by Yahweh’s PR team. The hosts trace the arc from Deuteronomy through Joshua, Judges, and 1–2 Samuel, showing how Israel’s “history” is really a theologically rigged scorecard: obey and prosper, screw up and die horribly. Along the way they drag the conquest of Canaan, the Battle of Jericho, and the nonstop claim that the Israelites “totally wiped out” enemies who mysteriously keep reappearing like bad sequels. Then it’s chaos hour: the cycle of sin–oppression–crying–judge in Judges, where left-handed assassin Ehud, vow-disaster Jephthah (who kills his own daughter to keep a promise to God), and himbo-strong Samson with the legendary hair show just how morally upside-down this “holy” era really is. The hosts roast the idea that “God told me to” was once a valid legal defense, point out how today that lands you in prison or a psych ward. Finally, they roll into Samuel and the rise of the monarchy: Saul flaming out in a cloud of disobedience, David the war-hero-turned-sex-pest, and the full Bathsheba/Uriah coverup where God’s chosen king essentially engineers a murder to hide his affair. Add in family drama with Absalom, rape and retaliation in David’s household, and the birth of Jerusalem as the shiny new religious center, and you’ve got a dynasty built on blood, lies, and very selective covenant piety. The hosts keep it hilarious, furious, and deeply human—calling God “a dick” more than once and leaning hard into the hypocrisy of divine favoritism. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com • Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC • Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * How Deuteronomy becomes the theological spine for Joshua–Kings and sets up the “obey or die” covenant scam * Joshua’s conquest of Canaan, Jericho’s walls, Rahab the Canaanite sex worker-turned-ancestor of David, and the never-ending “we totally wiped them out this time, guys” claims * The Book of Judges as a collection of war stories, folk tales, and absolute moral collapse: Ehud, Deborah, Gideon, Samson, Delilah, and one extremely regrettable vow from Jephthah * Why “God told me to do it” would get you locked up today—but in the Bible it’s framed as heroic obedience * The shift from chaotic tribal rule to monarchy in 1 Samuel: Samuel as the last judge, Saul as the failed first king, and David as the golden boy with a body count * 2 Samuel’s high drama: David, Bathsheba, Uriah’s engineered death, Absalom’s rebellion, rape and revenge within the royal family, and Jerusalem’s rise as Yahweh’s favorite city * Side quests into colonialism, Trump, left-handed prejudice, Nick Cave’s “Red Right Hand,” 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“It didn't matter who was in charge. They always be sinning.”  --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we crack open First Maccabees, Chapter 1 and immediately get dropped into the chaos left behind by Alexander the Great and his idiot successor fanboys. The hosts walk through how Alexander’s fractured empire births Antiochus Epiphanes, a power-drunk tyrant with elephants, daddy issues, and a raging hate boner for the Jews. We watch him steamroll Egypt, swagger into Jerusalem, loot the Temple like a divine Dollar Tree, and then call it “peace.” From there, it only gets darker: Antiochus forces Hellenistic culture on the Jews, including building a nude gymnasium in Jerusalem so everyone can visually inspect who’s circumcised, bans core religious practices, and sets up what the text calls the “abomination of desolation.” When women dare to circumcise their sons anyway, he murders them and hangs their babies around their necks—yes, it’s exactly as horrifying as it sounds. The hosts react in real time, asking the obvious question believers never want to touch: where the hell is God while all this is happening? Because this is Sacrilegious Discourse, the theological despair is spliced with rants about Trump, broken promises about $2,000 checks, JD Vance’s creepy couch nonsense, and a chaotic wedding story with no cake, wrong shirts, and a speeding ticket—but still more wholesome than anything God allows in this chapter. By the end, they’re brutally honest about martyrdom, conviction, and the absurdity of calling any of this “a plan.” Listen for the Bible breakdown, stay for the rage, the swearing, and the “are you kidding me?” commentary. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * Atheist breakdown of First Maccabees 1 and the rise of Antiochus Epiphanes * How Alexander the Great dies, his kingdom shatters, and everything predictably goes to shit * Forced Hellenization, nude gym culture, and why circumcision suddenly becomes a political weapon * Antiochus looting the Temple, desecrating the sanctuary, and setting up the “abomination of desolation” * State-sanctioned brutality: murdered mothers, dead babies, and religious terror as policy * The hosts asking, loudly, why a supposedly loving God lets his “chosen people” get wrecked like this * Trump, stimulus checks, JD Vance, and modern authoritarian vibes lurking under ancient stories * A chaotic no-cake wedding story that’s still less cursed than God’s PR in First Maccabees 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“If I was the people dying in the moment, I’d be like, this is stupid. This is fucking dumb.”  --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Judas Maccabeus is back on his murder tour, and this time 1 Maccabees 7 serves up beheaded generals, and one extremely “arrogant” right hand that ends up hanging "beside" Jerusalem like a bloody lawn ornament. The crew kicks off by trying (and failing) to untangle which Antiochus is which, who Demetrius is replacing, and whether anyone in this book has ever heard of clear pronouns. War elephants from the last chapter get a recap, John-Wick-style martyrdom included. We meet new villains—Bacchides, Alcimus, and Nicanor, all of whom swear “peace” with the same sincerity as a televangelist asking for seed money. The hosts roast their oath-breaking nonsense, the constant ambushes, and the idea that cussing in the temple is somehow worse than slaughtering entire armies. They land on the 13th of Adar as a bloody victory day and start plotting how to celebrate it with a fake head and a giant foam hand nailed “beside the house.” Along the way, they rant about divine hitman prayers (“Dear God, please kill these dudes for us”), the Bible’s obsession with vengeance, and how every “great army” somehow folds like wet cardboard the second Judas shows up. If you like your Bible with a side of profanity, historical snark, and total disrespect for holy war propaganda, this one’s for you. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered: * Judas Maccabeus vs. Demetrius, Bacchides, Alcimus, and Nicanor – the never-ending war of guy-with-army vs. guy-with-army * Oath-breaking “men of peace” who always show up with swords and backup troops * Priests begging God to commit mass murder because someone blasphemed in the temple * The 13th of Adar, Nicanor’s defeat, and why his chopped-off head and right hand become party décor * Bible propaganda 101: how to spin slaughter into “godly justice” * The hosts’ total confusion over who killed whom… and righteous mockery of biblical pronoun soup * Brainstorming a modern Nicanor Day with foam hands and plastic heads on the lawn 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“Dear God, please fucking kill those guys that are making me so mad.”  --- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.