We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

Everyone loves when the scissors glide but when you tape the back of the present and the pattern on the paper matches up perfectly? That feels like drugs.

After years of routinely unclogging drains and cleaning out the most hideous stuff imaginable I just learned that my daughters ALWAYS BRUSH THEIR HAIR IN THE SHOWER?!? like they have a special shower brush and everything. I am shaking with rage.

Got some stocking stuffers for my wife at Aldi. Hope she likes Bart’s Beez lip balm.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

[you find a mysterious charging port on your body]

oh no

[also it’s not usb-c]

OH NO

I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

The thing about having a wife and two daughters is finding places to put their 396 blankets.

My dad never called me a loser to my face but the time he took me to see the Harlem Globetrotters, he bought me a Washington Generals shirt.

I have friends on the internet but you wouldn’t know them because they go to a different site.