Jay Burns
@tikijay.bsky.social
Stand Up Comic, Writer, Sack of Meat
A literati for the hoi polloi and nothing else.
A literati for the hoi polloi and nothing else.
“Those who believe in heaven on
earth, he said, are creating a hell”
- Graham Greene
earth, he said, are creating a hell”
- Graham Greene
January 30, 2026 at 3:10 AM
“Those who believe in heaven on
earth, he said, are creating a hell”
- Graham Greene
earth, he said, are creating a hell”
- Graham Greene
Some days when you feel like the world is collapsing it’s comforting to watch Norm Abrams in the #newyankeeworkshop building a cigar chair. Thanks @pbs.org
January 3, 2026 at 10:17 PM
Some days when you feel like the world is collapsing it’s comforting to watch Norm Abrams in the #newyankeeworkshop building a cigar chair. Thanks @pbs.org
Sometimes when I’m sad I rewatch the 1989 @pbs.org special “Tap Dance In America” with Gregory Hines and life feels good because the immense talent in that special existed. And I giggle when I hear “kick ball change” because I’m 12.
November 28, 2025 at 12:42 AM
Sometimes when I’m sad I rewatch the 1989 @pbs.org special “Tap Dance In America” with Gregory Hines and life feels good because the immense talent in that special existed. And I giggle when I hear “kick ball change” because I’m 12.
Best part about the rapture happening…. A hell of a lot less traffic. #punintended #rapture2025
September 23, 2025 at 6:58 PM
Best part about the rapture happening…. A hell of a lot less traffic. #punintended #rapture2025
The National Parks are amazing because they let you experience the wonder of nature while reminding you that bears can in fact run 35mph.
@parksexperience.bsky.social
@parksexperience.bsky.social
February 4, 2025 at 9:02 PM
The National Parks are amazing because they let you experience the wonder of nature while reminding you that bears can in fact run 35mph.
@parksexperience.bsky.social
@parksexperience.bsky.social
I keep confusing Jake Tapper with Jon Taffer, so you can understand why I was confused that this season of Bar Rescue started with a maniac renaming the Gulf of Mexico.
January 21, 2025 at 6:31 PM
I keep confusing Jake Tapper with Jon Taffer, so you can understand why I was confused that this season of Bar Rescue started with a maniac renaming the Gulf of Mexico.
Went to the opera last night. I couldn’t understand a word but let me tell you I cried. Mostly because I knocked over my $26 wine in a plastic cup.
January 17, 2025 at 3:01 AM
Went to the opera last night. I couldn’t understand a word but let me tell you I cried. Mostly because I knocked over my $26 wine in a plastic cup.
Finally got the courage to start my OnlyFans. It’s just me staring at a fan. It’s a pretty cool gig.
January 15, 2025 at 5:25 PM
Finally got the courage to start my OnlyFans. It’s just me staring at a fan. It’s a pretty cool gig.
This week was the first appearance of a rare, green turtle soup moon.
So rare it didn’t even happen. Ever.
So rare it didn’t even happen. Ever.
January 14, 2025 at 5:24 PM
This week was the first appearance of a rare, green turtle soup moon.
So rare it didn’t even happen. Ever.
So rare it didn’t even happen. Ever.
Paleontologists found a dinosaur with tiny arms and believe it may be a lethal predator. Yet my partner mocks me every time I get my hand stuck in the Pringles cane.
January 13, 2025 at 9:46 PM
Paleontologists found a dinosaur with tiny arms and believe it may be a lethal predator. Yet my partner mocks me every time I get my hand stuck in the Pringles cane.
If your “game” when flirting includes any manner of Borat speech… just know that if they want sex, it’s not because of your personality.
January 12, 2025 at 3:55 AM
If your “game” when flirting includes any manner of Borat speech… just know that if they want sex, it’s not because of your personality.
One of my love languages is “words of affirmation” but not from my partner- just strangers on the internet.
January 11, 2025 at 12:19 PM
One of my love languages is “words of affirmation” but not from my partner- just strangers on the internet.
My love language is "sharing passwords"
We only become closer when "your queue" becomes "our queue"!
We only become closer when "your queue" becomes "our queue"!
January 10, 2025 at 3:59 PM
My love language is "sharing passwords"
We only become closer when "your queue" becomes "our queue"!
We only become closer when "your queue" becomes "our queue"!
The older I get the chunkier I like my salsa. I’m pretty sure the day I day I’m gonna just want a tomato, onion, and cilantro like some sort of Tex mex IKEA.
December 2, 2024 at 9:00 PM
The older I get the chunkier I like my salsa. I’m pretty sure the day I day I’m gonna just want a tomato, onion, and cilantro like some sort of Tex mex IKEA.
There’s something so romantic about sharing your dyer sheets with a stranger at the laundromat. Sure that dude on hinge could catch a fish, but is he helping keep your clothes downy soft? I think not.
November 25, 2024 at 7:36 PM
There’s something so romantic about sharing your dyer sheets with a stranger at the laundromat. Sure that dude on hinge could catch a fish, but is he helping keep your clothes downy soft? I think not.
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens but Scrooge is played by one of those screaming chicken things.
November 22, 2024 at 12:38 AM
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens but Scrooge is played by one of those screaming chicken things.
It took Trump this long to nominate Dr Oz because they had to convince him Dr. House wasn’t real.
November 19, 2024 at 9:44 PM
It took Trump this long to nominate Dr Oz because they had to convince him Dr. House wasn’t real.
It’s nice to RFK jr. eating McDonald’s with Elon Musk. I like knowing where all the things that negatively affect my bowels are located.
November 18, 2024 at 12:09 PM
It’s nice to RFK jr. eating McDonald’s with Elon Musk. I like knowing where all the things that negatively affect my bowels are located.
Reposted by Jay Burns
Reposted by Jay Burns
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon's trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
November 15, 2024 at 11:42 PM
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon's trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My jelly won’t jam but my jam will get make for a delightful breakfast treat.
November 17, 2024 at 12:58 AM
My jelly won’t jam but my jam will get make for a delightful breakfast treat.