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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

one of the best features on consoles is the easy ability to clip and upload and post clips of games you play. the more i use my pc for gaming and compare it to my ps5, idk. consoles have a lot going for them but i hate using a controller for shooters is the problem

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

anyway i have a fun night planned playing a boardgame with my brother. It's so nice to have him back in my life, and I get the very real sense I may be helping him transition soon too lol
but idk. Shit is brutal, life is hard but there are good moments too, and those have to be cherished too

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

at this stage im okay with life having suffering, maybe even an immense amount of it. My life has been mostly suffering, but it should have meaning, reason. If it has those I can accept that fact these days. It's the CPTSD that feels like senseless suffering. That can be impossible to live with

Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

life is real fucking tough but if I keep going with this EMDR long enough (medicaid permitting) and get to a place where my severe cptsd doesn't feel unbearable to live with I'll be just fine. Life has been fucking hell, I don't need it to be easy just to be easier and to not feel the trauma still

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

it makes life quite hard, having little to no social support network, coming from a violent broken home and struggling to push through every day. And then people don't even understand or extend compassion when I can't do something on the day. It's not right, I don't put up with that anymore

Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

for my whole life I bought what I was told. To push through my limits, to destroy myself and eviscerate myself, put myself through hell doing things the 'right' way rather than what actually accomodated what I needed. it never worked. Only learning to have understanding for myself has helped that

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

These days I just don't tolerate when people don't accept that I have limitations sometimes as a necessarily hyper self-sufficient woman living with severe cptsd and autism+mixed type adhd. It's taken 8 years of therapy to have compassion and understanding for myself if you don't too then bye tbh

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

like the oven is a cheat code for actually taking care of yourself consistently as a hyper-self sufficient and still debilitatingly autistic+adhd person living on your own in rough material conditions. It's served me so well before not having one here has made that a lottt harder i have to say

Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

one of the worst parts about living here is that there's no oven. So with only food I have to cook myself there are no low-capacity days where I can just throw something in the oven to make. The oven saves my ass so much dealing with low capacity with autism+mixed type adhd I need an oven again

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

and i understand where that doubt, fear, pessimism, criticism comes from. Of course we could use even more radical rhetoric, plans, and solutions. But this is the first time in modern american politics that a progressive candidate has made it through this far, bernie died for this lol

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

i wont be hearing pessimism about Zohran Mamdani, not now not for the foreseeable future. If you're still confused on whether he is a principled lefist look at how tight and consistent his messaging has been. He's not some flawless figure but he's the one hope America has please be normal about it

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

i need a cat again one day so bad tbh i miss my baby kitties

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

like do you know how many times I'd top a woman if a strap was available? Like ofc im trying to invest in longer-term lifestyle changes to get my natural topping ability where I want it but when my body isn't cooperating I'd 1000% just use a strap instead. Really have to invest asap

Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

ive always used GPU Tweak II and honestly every other software to adjust my cpu clock speeds, fan curves, power targets like MSI afterburner always fuck something up on my desktop. Maybe it's bc I have an ASUS card but i dont think so tbh. GPU Tweak II my beloved you are my one and only

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

that's good i like it good job lol

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 2h

it's criminal I don't have a strap tbh. It sounds silly but it's such a need at this point I need to have more options to top if its penetrative topping yknow? When I have some money again im investing big time into a dependable swappable strap setup i really do need it these days

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 3h

when I fully figure out how to nail my eye makeup+set it so it stays on my oily skin and hooded lids its so over. Like i will be unstoppable. Part of me wants to throw out everything I know and do a ground-up reteaching of makeup in general bc i've just winged it and taught myself

Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 3h

is Age of Empires II online still kicking? I kind of love RTS games and always wanted to find one to get good at to play other people online. Obv Starcraft II is there too, idk. It kind of piques my interest for some reason

Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 4h

tbh it worked out in a weird type of way. Being a direct care counselor and using all the therapy i've seriously engaged with the past 8 years gave me a clarity of what I feel called to do. But like it's never been harder to go back to school. I so, so want to I miss it so much and need an MSW tbh

Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 4h

when i had to drop out of college in 2020 when the pandemic hit I waited a long time to go back. especially before adhd meds the online schooling was not something I could do. And when I went back in fall of 2022 I had to drop out again when I got kicked out of my home. I really need to go back

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 4h

which, to me, is one of the most beautiful and most enriching parts about life. There's constantly new shit to learn, new ways of doing things. A way someone glides through life you've never even thought of before. It's the fucking best, life is so beautiful when you have the space to see that

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 4h

im gonna be honest I've taken a lot of college classes, I'm quite smart in some areas but overall? Dumb as hell. Like there's so much I don't know. That really is the difference yknow. There's way too much to know and I know maybe like 2-3% of it yknow that's just how it is. Gotta embrace it imo

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 4h

it's fucked up I had no idea why my hair continued to get fucked up/break off after massively damaging it with bleach and permanent color. I didn't know if you dont trim the damaged ends it can destroy the whole hair shaft. Finally figured it out and cute off the damage but goddamn it took a toll

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Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 4h

also if I hadnt been made to leave I couldve successfully pursued reimbursement through the claim forms the laser practice gave me through my MA insurance there so I wouldn't be out $1000 like goddamn

Juliana @xjul1anax.bsky.social · 4h

that really is the process isn't it lol
it takes a good while for that kind of stuff to internalize but yeah girl, i mean yeah. that's how it is 😌

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