Zack Bornstein
@zackbornstein.bsky.social
Emmy-losing Writer/Director (#Shrinking, @nbcSNL, @Netflix, @Hulu, @Dreamworks, @JimmyKimmelLive, #StrangePlanet, @NewYorker)
The 5 elements if I was Captain Planet:
January 7, 2026 at 10:10 PM
The 5 elements if I was Captain Planet:
Happy anniversary to the last time a Republican actually took a stand
January 7, 2026 at 12:48 AM
Happy anniversary to the last time a Republican actually took a stand
Going to the gym at work
Pros:
-Convenient
-Saves money
-Built in consistency
-Can shower there
-Spot friends
-Rarely crowded
Cons
-Once a quarter your boss sees your penis
Pros:
-Convenient
-Saves money
-Built in consistency
-Can shower there
-Spot friends
-Rarely crowded
Cons
-Once a quarter your boss sees your penis
January 6, 2026 at 6:12 PM
Going to the gym at work
Pros:
-Convenient
-Saves money
-Built in consistency
-Can shower there
-Spot friends
-Rarely crowded
Cons
-Once a quarter your boss sees your penis
Pros:
-Convenient
-Saves money
-Built in consistency
-Can shower there
-Spot friends
-Rarely crowded
Cons
-Once a quarter your boss sees your penis
Things JD Vance Has Stuck His Member In
January 1, 2026 at 4:10 AM
Things JD Vance Has Stuck His Member In
Can I sue Gillette for letting me do this?
December 22, 2025 at 9:27 PM
Can I sue Gillette for letting me do this?
Midsommar / Midwintar
December 22, 2025 at 7:33 PM
Midsommar / Midwintar
Apparently it takes 4 years to stop looking like non binary Pablo Escobar
December 11, 2025 at 4:39 AM
Apparently it takes 4 years to stop looking like non binary Pablo Escobar
POV: You’re about to be asked the worst 3 riddles you’ve ever heard to cross this bridge
November 28, 2025 at 10:10 PM
POV: You’re about to be asked the worst 3 riddles you’ve ever heard to cross this bridge
Happy Spider-Man Rimming Uncle Sam Day to all who celebrate
November 28, 2025 at 2:39 AM
Happy Spider-Man Rimming Uncle Sam Day to all who celebrate
Safe topics for your family Thanksgiving:
-Hamas
-Everyone’s weight, net worth
-Lives that matter
-Only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun
-Who AI will replace first
-Who controls a woman’s body
-Sydney Sweeney ads
-Best ethnicity
-The Jews, general or specific
-Trump hot?
-Hamas
-Everyone’s weight, net worth
-Lives that matter
-Only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun
-Who AI will replace first
-Who controls a woman’s body
-Sydney Sweeney ads
-Best ethnicity
-The Jews, general or specific
-Trump hot?
November 27, 2025 at 10:50 PM
Safe topics for your family Thanksgiving:
-Hamas
-Everyone’s weight, net worth
-Lives that matter
-Only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun
-Who AI will replace first
-Who controls a woman’s body
-Sydney Sweeney ads
-Best ethnicity
-The Jews, general or specific
-Trump hot?
-Hamas
-Everyone’s weight, net worth
-Lives that matter
-Only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun
-Who AI will replace first
-Who controls a woman’s body
-Sydney Sweeney ads
-Best ethnicity
-The Jews, general or specific
-Trump hot?
BREAKING: Trump pardons turkey who appeared 28 times on Epstein flight logs
November 25, 2025 at 5:16 PM
BREAKING: Trump pardons turkey who appeared 28 times on Epstein flight logs
this is killing me, why would they choose a model who looks so deeply scared and uncomfortable
November 24, 2025 at 10:00 PM
this is killing me, why would they choose a model who looks so deeply scared and uncomfortable
When you’re crushing so hard you start dressing like them
November 23, 2025 at 1:40 AM
When you’re crushing so hard you start dressing like them
Whoever finds a way to put 30g of protein in a cigarette will become the first trillionaire
November 21, 2025 at 6:33 PM
Whoever finds a way to put 30g of protein in a cigarette will become the first trillionaire
I could be staring at my hand locking my front door, and I still won’t feel 100% sure my front door was locked
November 21, 2025 at 6:16 PM
I could be staring at my hand locking my front door, and I still won’t feel 100% sure my front door was locked
That’s worse but accurate
November 21, 2025 at 4:55 AM
That’s worse but accurate
why does everyone keep saying I have sad eyes
November 21, 2025 at 3:22 AM
why does everyone keep saying I have sad eyes
just realized my cats probably think I spend 10 hours a day in the garage
November 18, 2025 at 6:31 PM
just realized my cats probably think I spend 10 hours a day in the garage
It’s truly bananas we’re expected to go about our lives eating lunch and putting on pants like the President isn’t a well documented child sex predator who was best friends with the king of child sex predators
November 17, 2025 at 7:37 PM
It’s truly bananas we’re expected to go about our lives eating lunch and putting on pants like the President isn’t a well documented child sex predator who was best friends with the king of child sex predators
CNN: Trump in Epstein files
NBC: Trump in Epstein files
ABC: Trump in Epstein files
FOX:
NBC: Trump in Epstein files
ABC: Trump in Epstein files
FOX:
November 15, 2025 at 9:00 PM
CNN: Trump in Epstein files
NBC: Trump in Epstein files
ABC: Trump in Epstein files
FOX:
NBC: Trump in Epstein files
ABC: Trump in Epstein files
FOX:
Democrats with no leverage: Give in to GOP
Democrats with all the leverage, social mandate, moral authority, clear achievable win in sight: Give in to GOP
Democrats with all the leverage, social mandate, moral authority, clear achievable win in sight: Give in to GOP
November 10, 2025 at 10:24 PM
Democrats with no leverage: Give in to GOP
Democrats with all the leverage, social mandate, moral authority, clear achievable win in sight: Give in to GOP
Democrats with all the leverage, social mandate, moral authority, clear achievable win in sight: Give in to GOP
I don’t understand why Trump’s approval rating is finally slipping when he’s building a golden ballroom at his house while actively stopping 42 million Americans from getting food stamps, 40% of whom are children
November 8, 2025 at 3:25 AM
I don’t understand why Trump’s approval rating is finally slipping when he’s building a golden ballroom at his house while actively stopping 42 million Americans from getting food stamps, 40% of whom are children
I don’t understand how Trump lost so much ground from a year ago after spending every single day making people’s lives hell while raking in $3 billion in Qatari bribes through his crypto coin
November 6, 2025 at 10:13 PM
I don’t understand how Trump lost so much ground from a year ago after spending every single day making people’s lives hell while raking in $3 billion in Qatari bribes through his crypto coin
If 3 people in a row don’t pick up your call it’s because everyone you’ve ever met is in a room together voting on your greatest flaw
November 2, 2025 at 11:00 PM
If 3 people in a row don’t pick up your call it’s because everyone you’ve ever met is in a room together voting on your greatest flaw
I don’t understand why dating is so hard, all I’m looking for is a new best friend from scratch who I’m willing to die for that must get along with all my family and friends and have comparable ambition and identical values and wild sexual chemistry with me and no else forever
October 31, 2025 at 12:22 AM
I don’t understand why dating is so hard, all I’m looking for is a new best friend from scratch who I’m willing to die for that must get along with all my family and friends and have comparable ambition and identical values and wild sexual chemistry with me and no else forever