A 1000-year-old vegan vampire x A girl that can shapeshift into a bear who rolled a nat 1 on knowing what a vampire is, so only understands his nature in terms of bat-shapeshifting and tries to help him be less ashamed of his powers

Nat 1 arcana on a wizard: You figure out some info about the magic item that is so cool you stand up too fast, hit your head and forget the past 5 minutes.

Nat 20 arcana on a barbarian: You've really only read like half a book in your entire life and the info you needed for this was in that book.

Then why even roll...

A critical success or failure is one of those times when I get to describe something incredibly funny to the players.

Especially when it should have been technically impossible.

If I actually wanted it to be impossible, I wouldn't have let them roll.

*Grabs you by the neck and slams you against the wall*

Which instruction did I give you, pet?

Was it "Suprise me?"

Was it "Chop up half a cucumber and ruin it with salt?"

*Pauses, eagrely watching you
struggle*

Or was it, in fact, "Chop me up a whole cucumber into circles."

Speak, wench.

I'll stick with lesbian vampirism, I think

Another advantage is literally not being the same person as me pre-transition, because I was created out of thin air 6 minutes ago when I last teleported.

That means she's cool, fool

My wife is hotter than you

I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger.
A cis femboy opens his front door and gets preggo, and you think that of me?
No.
I am the one who knocks up.