Carlos Valencia
@carlosvalencia.bsky.social
The blueskiest comic in the world. A chihuahua with a skin disease. Totally blind.
Comedians feed:
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:e7mkpu7gur4k7nocmh2dqroo/lists/3kh67uqh7fw2y
Comedians feed:
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:e7mkpu7gur4k7nocmh2dqroo/lists/3kh67uqh7fw2y
In honor of Snoop Dogg performing at the half time show I’m gonna go take a shit.
December 25, 2025 at 11:13 PM
In honor of Snoop Dogg performing at the half time show I’m gonna go take a shit.
I really wish I'd never heard of Elf On A Shelf just so I could have back all the time I've wasted trying to figure out all your goddamn cryptic rhymes.
December 25, 2025 at 5:29 AM
I really wish I'd never heard of Elf On A Shelf just so I could have back all the time I've wasted trying to figure out all your goddamn cryptic rhymes.
The 60 Minutes censored segment aired in Canada and now people are bootlegging it to watch it in America.
Last time I heard of Americans looking to Canada as an outlet for freedom was in a dystopian novel called The Handmaid’s Tale.
Congrats Trumpedos, your fascist regime is coming along nicely.
Last time I heard of Americans looking to Canada as an outlet for freedom was in a dystopian novel called The Handmaid’s Tale.
Congrats Trumpedos, your fascist regime is coming along nicely.
December 24, 2025 at 1:02 AM
The 60 Minutes censored segment aired in Canada and now people are bootlegging it to watch it in America.
Last time I heard of Americans looking to Canada as an outlet for freedom was in a dystopian novel called The Handmaid’s Tale.
Congrats Trumpedos, your fascist regime is coming along nicely.
Last time I heard of Americans looking to Canada as an outlet for freedom was in a dystopian novel called The Handmaid’s Tale.
Congrats Trumpedos, your fascist regime is coming along nicely.
I want to start a new holiday to help people cope with the holidays. Everyone gifts each other pain killers, muscle relaxers, and anti-depressants.
I call it RXmas.
(or Prescripstmas)
I call it RXmas.
(or Prescripstmas)
December 22, 2025 at 3:03 AM
I want to start a new holiday to help people cope with the holidays. Everyone gifts each other pain killers, muscle relaxers, and anti-depressants.
I call it RXmas.
(or Prescripstmas)
I call it RXmas.
(or Prescripstmas)
"Can you believe that awful thing he said??"
Yeah, he's Trump. Pieces Of Shit will Piece Of Shit. That's been established for years.
What IS unbelievable are the people that will still support such a proven vile wretch of a human. And those are the ones that you have to cut out of your life.
Yeah, he's Trump. Pieces Of Shit will Piece Of Shit. That's been established for years.
What IS unbelievable are the people that will still support such a proven vile wretch of a human. And those are the ones that you have to cut out of your life.
December 15, 2025 at 7:23 PM
"Can you believe that awful thing he said??"
Yeah, he's Trump. Pieces Of Shit will Piece Of Shit. That's been established for years.
What IS unbelievable are the people that will still support such a proven vile wretch of a human. And those are the ones that you have to cut out of your life.
Yeah, he's Trump. Pieces Of Shit will Piece Of Shit. That's been established for years.
What IS unbelievable are the people that will still support such a proven vile wretch of a human. And those are the ones that you have to cut out of your life.
"See, I told you so!"
- Idiot conspiracy theorist who doesn't understand science trying to use a science article he doesn't understand to prove he was "right"
Nobody doubles down on being an idiot like a conspiracy theorist.
- Idiot conspiracy theorist who doesn't understand science trying to use a science article he doesn't understand to prove he was "right"
Nobody doubles down on being an idiot like a conspiracy theorist.
December 15, 2025 at 7:08 PM
"See, I told you so!"
- Idiot conspiracy theorist who doesn't understand science trying to use a science article he doesn't understand to prove he was "right"
Nobody doubles down on being an idiot like a conspiracy theorist.
- Idiot conspiracy theorist who doesn't understand science trying to use a science article he doesn't understand to prove he was "right"
Nobody doubles down on being an idiot like a conspiracy theorist.
Nickelback is the Nickelback of Nickelback references.
December 15, 2025 at 12:16 AM
Nickelback is the Nickelback of Nickelback references.
I think Vince Gilligan's gonna have to add some blue meth if I'm going to keep watching Pluribus.
I mean that literally. I'm gonna have to be on meth to stay awake to finish a show This Fucking Boring.
I mean that literally. I'm gonna have to be on meth to stay awake to finish a show This Fucking Boring.
December 9, 2025 at 9:52 PM
I think Vince Gilligan's gonna have to add some blue meth if I'm going to keep watching Pluribus.
I mean that literally. I'm gonna have to be on meth to stay awake to finish a show This Fucking Boring.
I mean that literally. I'm gonna have to be on meth to stay awake to finish a show This Fucking Boring.
If you've ever seen me perform how would you describe my standup/comedy/show?
Actually, even if you've never seen me perform, just make something up, I just need need something better than "I drink, I talk into a microphone, then I drink again".
Actually, even if you've never seen me perform, just make something up, I just need need something better than "I drink, I talk into a microphone, then I drink again".
December 7, 2025 at 11:13 PM
If you've ever seen me perform how would you describe my standup/comedy/show?
Actually, even if you've never seen me perform, just make something up, I just need need something better than "I drink, I talk into a microphone, then I drink again".
Actually, even if you've never seen me perform, just make something up, I just need need something better than "I drink, I talk into a microphone, then I drink again".
"Sarcophagi? More like SarcophaGAY!"
- Dude from ancient Egypt who was very vocal about expressing his dislike for ornate stone coffins, but was really just secretly bitter because he knew he probably wasn't going to get one when he died
- Dude from ancient Egypt who was very vocal about expressing his dislike for ornate stone coffins, but was really just secretly bitter because he knew he probably wasn't going to get one when he died
November 30, 2025 at 9:44 PM
"Sarcophagi? More like SarcophaGAY!"
- Dude from ancient Egypt who was very vocal about expressing his dislike for ornate stone coffins, but was really just secretly bitter because he knew he probably wasn't going to get one when he died
- Dude from ancient Egypt who was very vocal about expressing his dislike for ornate stone coffins, but was really just secretly bitter because he knew he probably wasn't going to get one when he died
I'd be more likely to consider a career in babysitting if parents would actually let me sit on their baby.
November 23, 2025 at 8:54 PM
I'd be more likely to consider a career in babysitting if parents would actually let me sit on their baby.
I once tried to explain to a woman that the wet streak on the back of my underwear was not due to a poo stain but merely the product of ass sweat.
How this was supposed to make me seem any more fuckable is still a highly debated topic among sex and seduction scholars throughout the world.
How this was supposed to make me seem any more fuckable is still a highly debated topic among sex and seduction scholars throughout the world.
November 16, 2025 at 10:30 PM
I once tried to explain to a woman that the wet streak on the back of my underwear was not due to a poo stain but merely the product of ass sweat.
How this was supposed to make me seem any more fuckable is still a highly debated topic among sex and seduction scholars throughout the world.
How this was supposed to make me seem any more fuckable is still a highly debated topic among sex and seduction scholars throughout the world.
If your argument to defend the Trump policies that are ruining the country and affecting millions is "I'm doing fine"; then that about sums up all we need to know about your character.
November 11, 2025 at 10:23 PM
If your argument to defend the Trump policies that are ruining the country and affecting millions is "I'm doing fine"; then that about sums up all we need to know about your character.
Sometimes I see the people Facebook suggests I add as friends and it makes me feel like I need to smack Mark Zuckerberg on the snout.
November 9, 2025 at 6:34 PM
Sometimes I see the people Facebook suggests I add as friends and it makes me feel like I need to smack Mark Zuckerberg on the snout.
Felt hideous, deleted immediately.
November 8, 2025 at 12:31 AM
Felt hideous, deleted immediately.
So long, Dick Cheney…
November 5, 2025 at 1:46 AM
So long, Dick Cheney…
Reposted by Carlos Valencia
MULLIN: There was a sweetheart plea deal that was struck in 2009 under Obama
TAPPER: No. It was 2008. The US attorney was Alex Acosta. He was a Bush appointee. He went on to become Trump's secretary of labor
M: Who was in office at the time?
T: Bush
M: No. Obama was in office
TAPPER: Not true
TAPPER: No. It was 2008. The US attorney was Alex Acosta. He was a Bush appointee. He went on to become Trump's secretary of labor
M: Who was in office at the time?
T: Bush
M: No. Obama was in office
TAPPER: Not true
July 27, 2025 at 1:22 PM
MULLIN: There was a sweetheart plea deal that was struck in 2009 under Obama
TAPPER: No. It was 2008. The US attorney was Alex Acosta. He was a Bush appointee. He went on to become Trump's secretary of labor
M: Who was in office at the time?
T: Bush
M: No. Obama was in office
TAPPER: Not true
TAPPER: No. It was 2008. The US attorney was Alex Acosta. He was a Bush appointee. He went on to become Trump's secretary of labor
M: Who was in office at the time?
T: Bush
M: No. Obama was in office
TAPPER: Not true
I dressed up as an ICE agent for the Halloween party.
And by that I mean I was too much of a coward to even show my face.
And by that I mean I was too much of a coward to even show my face.
November 1, 2025 at 12:16 AM
I dressed up as an ICE agent for the Halloween party.
And by that I mean I was too much of a coward to even show my face.
And by that I mean I was too much of a coward to even show my face.
Call me a dork but I think you should always, and I mean Always, wear a condom.
Well, except when you're having sex, then it kinda ruins everything.
Well, except when you're having sex, then it kinda ruins everything.
October 27, 2025 at 1:58 AM
Call me a dork but I think you should always, and I mean Always, wear a condom.
Well, except when you're having sex, then it kinda ruins everything.
Well, except when you're having sex, then it kinda ruins everything.
I can't believe we're wasting all this money on a stupid ballroom when we could be using it to send more bailout cash to Argentina.
October 23, 2025 at 1:40 AM
I can't believe we're wasting all this money on a stupid ballroom when we could be using it to send more bailout cash to Argentina.
Congratulations to Donald Trump for finally completing all of Al-Qaeda's 9/11 goals. Osama would be proud.
October 21, 2025 at 7:43 PM
Congratulations to Donald Trump for finally completing all of Al-Qaeda's 9/11 goals. Osama would be proud.
If at this point you still don't know that semi-trucks make wide right turns, then you deserve to smash your car into an 18-wheeler.
October 19, 2025 at 6:51 PM
If at this point you still don't know that semi-trucks make wide right turns, then you deserve to smash your car into an 18-wheeler.
“Why are you protesting kings?? There’s no kings here!”
These are the same people that constantly bitch and moan about Communism in America even though the USA has never even come close to being a Communist country.
But god forbid you raise your voice against something that is actually happening.
These are the same people that constantly bitch and moan about Communism in America even though the USA has never even come close to being a Communist country.
But god forbid you raise your voice against something that is actually happening.
October 19, 2025 at 2:40 AM
“Why are you protesting kings?? There’s no kings here!”
These are the same people that constantly bitch and moan about Communism in America even though the USA has never even come close to being a Communist country.
But god forbid you raise your voice against something that is actually happening.
These are the same people that constantly bitch and moan about Communism in America even though the USA has never even come close to being a Communist country.
But god forbid you raise your voice against something that is actually happening.
For all those people that like to claim racial discrimination is a thing of the past in this country, think about this - it's been over 20 years since Old Dirty Bastard died and most states still refuse to recognize his birthday as a holiday.
For shame, AmeriKKKa.
For shame, AmeriKKKa.
October 12, 2025 at 3:21 PM
For all those people that like to claim racial discrimination is a thing of the past in this country, think about this - it's been over 20 years since Old Dirty Bastard died and most states still refuse to recognize his birthday as a holiday.
For shame, AmeriKKKa.
For shame, AmeriKKKa.
Apparently the Nobel Prize committee didn't hear about Donald Trump's groundbreaking Tylenol research.
October 6, 2025 at 10:58 PM
Apparently the Nobel Prize committee didn't hear about Donald Trump's groundbreaking Tylenol research.