Saw Punxsutawney Phil at a Cumberland Farms gas station buying a two-pack of land o’ lakes butter. Don’t believe the lies. He is out there, and his wife is pissed that he forgot to buy butter at Shaws.

You've just been thrown to your death by the Beatles.

thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who gave to my gofundme and FULLY funded my Polar Express Surgery. as we speak, the doctor is preparing to move my eyes the exact wrong distance apart. they are removing 24% of my polygons. tom hanks is here. i can’t believe this is is my life

Some nature show: “there are billions of ants on our beautiful planet”
Me: “and not one of them wished me happy birthday. Interesting. Hmm”

Whatever you identify as you are valid.
No matter what anyone says.

We all stopped eating teddy grahams and then the world went to SHIT.

In The West Wing straight up Sorkin it.

I ordered Olive Garden, not Oligarchy. But those words sound the same so I can see why they got confused.

New Executive Order: in an effort to make sadness more masculine, crying will now be referred to as “face rain”.

I didn’t trip. I just really needed to tell the ground something real quick for a second.

I can’t be sure, but I feel like if I learn how to play the violin, I won’t need to go to therapy anymore. Statistically speaking, this is correct. Yes.

I like the part in Enter Sandman where Metallica tucks us in. Thats cute I think.

X-Men Oranges: Tangerine