ssris and just getting older really dulled the experience of 'guy that whispers mean shit to you about how you suck all the time' like i don't have time for that really. even if i might lowkey believe in half the time there are better things to do with my thoughts and my time, yk

the only negative headmate i have at this point is relatively fangless a majority of the time. she can smell blood in the water when things are bad but then but the rest of the time, idk. you could just see her as someone who doesn't know the social norms and is kind of an asshole.

they get to be happy they get to be children they get to be openly blatantly autistic and have fun and love each other while i carry the weight. it's all right that way but it feels like my experience is atypical..

but i feel like i'm simultaneously always front stuck but also the one who gets to have the feelings too. if some ppl shatter in a way where the pain is distributed amongst headmates to spare them from it, i've done the opposite where i turn my good parts into headmates and keep the pain from them

so she gets to exist and have fun. her and nana too. i feel protective and wish i could cultivate fun spaces for them, and i try to.. it feels in general like i have more 'positive' feeling headmates than negative. not to say that they didn't come from hardship.

but in a way she was the best of what we had then. not without any negativity but it feels like she has moods and expressions that are reactions to events without the 'feelings' of those events. dulled memory. logical knowing. but not the one who was 'there' to experience them..

the nostalgia trap of it all does hurt her sometimes. that time moves on and she doesn't. that the world she existed in doesn't meaningfully anymore... online creature of the 00s in the 2020s is not the same in any way

idk i can't place my feelings on her feelings but it's odd as i don't really think there is any memory amnesia but her existence as a 'me' between a certain period of time should contain more feelings of... trauma. but she mostly seems to be the 'good' parts of it

'can somebody please just love me!!!!' 'i don't really exist!!!'

as an ANP goes i'm a control freak and compartmentalize and maybe that's really the only thing keeping the disorder from being too disordered

(2/2)
for more information: summarized explanation of the theory of structural dissociation did-research.org/origin/struc...
source: pdf for the haunted self www.docdroid.net/arPAtHT/van-...