Absolutely Not, No
@crumbcleaner.bsky.social
Baltimorean. Scientist. Cat corraler. Pup parent. Daydreamer.
All views belong to the void.
All views belong to the void.
Husband: *singing (somewhat offkey) in bed for the past 2 hours* You like that?
Me: *3 hours past the point of overstimulation* I would like some quiet.
Husband: *ignores me completely, continues to sing*
This will be exhibit A in my insanity plea.
Me: *3 hours past the point of overstimulation* I would like some quiet.
Husband: *ignores me completely, continues to sing*
This will be exhibit A in my insanity plea.
January 11, 2026 at 4:38 AM
Husband: *singing (somewhat offkey) in bed for the past 2 hours* You like that?
Me: *3 hours past the point of overstimulation* I would like some quiet.
Husband: *ignores me completely, continues to sing*
This will be exhibit A in my insanity plea.
Me: *3 hours past the point of overstimulation* I would like some quiet.
Husband: *ignores me completely, continues to sing*
This will be exhibit A in my insanity plea.
I finally gave up on the printer I had been battling and removed the device from my laptops in preparation for going Office Space on the POS. Immediately after doing that, the document I have been trying to print prints.
If this is not malicious witchcraft, I don’t know what is.
If this is not malicious witchcraft, I don’t know what is.
December 29, 2025 at 10:02 PM
I finally gave up on the printer I had been battling and removed the device from my laptops in preparation for going Office Space on the POS. Immediately after doing that, the document I have been trying to print prints.
If this is not malicious witchcraft, I don’t know what is.
If this is not malicious witchcraft, I don’t know what is.
SACRIFICE THE GIANT PASTRY
December 28, 2025 at 12:15 AM
SACRIFICE THE GIANT PASTRY
I need a service where someone occasionally comes to my house to hang me by my ankles and shake me like a wrinkled shirt until all my bones snap back into place. What’s that called?
December 23, 2025 at 10:16 PM
I need a service where someone occasionally comes to my house to hang me by my ankles and shake me like a wrinkled shirt until all my bones snap back into place. What’s that called?
Reposted by Absolutely Not, No
@crumbcleaner.bsky.social imagine if we had two oranges
What it's like when your cats decide to tell you it's quitting time for the day.
December 11, 2025 at 8:56 PM
@crumbcleaner.bsky.social imagine if we had two oranges
My biggest regret in life is that I will never be able to look Apple’s Siri directly in her soulless eyes and flip her the double bird.
November 25, 2025 at 9:45 PM
My biggest regret in life is that I will never be able to look Apple’s Siri directly in her soulless eyes and flip her the double bird.
My husband, whose core temperature hovers somewhere between the sixth and seventh circles of Hell, has started complaining that it is cold.
It was 60 degrees today.
It was 60 degrees today.
October 29, 2025 at 3:18 AM
My husband, whose core temperature hovers somewhere between the sixth and seventh circles of Hell, has started complaining that it is cold.
It was 60 degrees today.
It was 60 degrees today.
Good morning only to the guy across the bar that ordered a shot of whiskey and apple pie a la mode for breakfast. Eating in the presence of a legend.
October 25, 2025 at 4:23 PM
Good morning only to the guy across the bar that ordered a shot of whiskey and apple pie a la mode for breakfast. Eating in the presence of a legend.
I have been summoned for circuit court jury duty in November and district court jury duty in December. I need the government to know that, despite whatever they may have heard, I am not a true crime girlie. I am simply not that good at solving murders. This will be a disaster.
October 25, 2025 at 2:16 PM
I have been summoned for circuit court jury duty in November and district court jury duty in December. I need the government to know that, despite whatever they may have heard, I am not a true crime girlie. I am simply not that good at solving murders. This will be a disaster.
Excuse me, quick question: why does downtown Baltimore smell like brimstone?
October 7, 2025 at 12:48 PM
Excuse me, quick question: why does downtown Baltimore smell like brimstone?
Fuck no, my ducks aren’t in a row. I don’t even have ducks, I have squirrels, and they’re rabid.
October 7, 2025 at 1:15 AM
Fuck no, my ducks aren’t in a row. I don’t even have ducks, I have squirrels, and they’re rabid.
Just had to talk to Victoria’s Secret customer service and at the end of the interaction the rep Benjamin says that he liked the color of the bra I’d ordered and would I like the matching crotchless panties. I appreciate the hustle, but I have…questions.
September 25, 2025 at 9:39 PM
Just had to talk to Victoria’s Secret customer service and at the end of the interaction the rep Benjamin says that he liked the color of the bra I’d ordered and would I like the matching crotchless panties. I appreciate the hustle, but I have…questions.
My husband, who gets fidgety if his hair is longer than 1 mm, just had the audacity to ponder, “I wonder what I’d look like if I was bald.” I’m sitting there like…my love, my darling, my sweet little walnut, you ARE bald. There’s no need to wonder, just take a glance in the mirror.
September 14, 2025 at 12:35 AM
My husband, who gets fidgety if his hair is longer than 1 mm, just had the audacity to ponder, “I wonder what I’d look like if I was bald.” I’m sitting there like…my love, my darling, my sweet little walnut, you ARE bald. There’s no need to wonder, just take a glance in the mirror.
It’s Saturday and a nurse just came in to the sports bar I’m eating at and ordered a watermelon margarita, a Red Bull, and nachos (to go).
👀👀👀
👀👀👀
September 13, 2025 at 5:18 PM
It’s Saturday and a nurse just came in to the sports bar I’m eating at and ordered a watermelon margarita, a Red Bull, and nachos (to go).
👀👀👀
👀👀👀
Still thinking about my Uber driver when I was in Chicago a few weeks ago that spoke no English, except to say “Turn left?” as he turned right.
May 10, 2025 at 5:52 PM
Still thinking about my Uber driver when I was in Chicago a few weeks ago that spoke no English, except to say “Turn left?” as he turned right.
Reposted by Absolutely Not, No
Orioles. I am not having fun
May 8, 2025 at 7:26 PM
Orioles. I am not having fun
Reposted by Absolutely Not, No
There is a family with 3 kids under the age of 5 sitting in front of us at this O’s game and I have glimpsed Hell.
April 19, 2025 at 7:47 PM
There is a family with 3 kids under the age of 5 sitting in front of us at this O’s game and I have glimpsed Hell.
I’m only watching it if Gillian Anderson is in it.
Ryan Coogler has announced that his next project will be a reboot of ‘X-FILES’.
🔗 youtu.be/Cy8cj17h3Xs?...
🔗 youtu.be/Cy8cj17h3Xs?...
April 19, 2025 at 7:19 PM
I’m only watching it if Gillian Anderson is in it.
Reposted by Absolutely Not, No
SORRY THESE ARE LATE I WAS BUSY IGNORING REALITY IN THE HOPE OF EXPERIENCING A BRIEF MOMENT OF HAPPINESS
April 13, 2025 at 6:14 PM
SORRY THESE ARE LATE I WAS BUSY IGNORING REALITY IN THE HOPE OF EXPERIENCING A BRIEF MOMENT OF HAPPINESS
I swear to god Siri is you send me into some god forsaken black hole of traffic in Baltimore again I will scramble your disembodied dumbfuckery so bad your developers will feel it.
April 8, 2025 at 1:40 PM
I swear to god Siri is you send me into some god forsaken black hole of traffic in Baltimore again I will scramble your disembodied dumbfuckery so bad your developers will feel it.
Update: I got a SodaStream.
In today’s first world complaints, I am annoyed that the Costco nearest me doesn’t seem to carry industrial sizes of Diet Pepsi cans anymore, meaning I have to drive all the way out to Middle-of-Nowheresville to another Costco to satiate my only addiction.
A pox on the White Marsh Costco. Pox!
A pox on the White Marsh Costco. Pox!
March 28, 2025 at 10:17 PM
Update: I got a SodaStream.
At a bar for lunch while my car gets serviced. Supernatural is on the TV behind the bar and 2000’s pop is on the radio. I have found my people.
March 22, 2025 at 3:26 PM
At a bar for lunch while my car gets serviced. Supernatural is on the TV behind the bar and 2000’s pop is on the radio. I have found my people.
“Hey Alexa, tell Bezos he’s a little bitch for me.”
It baffles me that people willingly put these listening devices in their homes. Especially those who complain about Bez*s then keep giving him money.
Everything you say to your Echo will be sent to Amazon starting on March 28
Amazon is killing a privacy feature to bolster Alexa+, the new subscription assistant.
arstechnica.com
March 16, 2025 at 3:00 PM
“Hey Alexa, tell Bezos he’s a little bitch for me.”