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Sorrowscopes

@sorrowscopes.bsky.social

23K followers 110 following 1.5K posts

Things are terrible (we follow our contributors)

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · Nov 14

A lot of very funny and talented people have written for Sorrowscopes over the years- here they are!
bsky.app/starter-pack...

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Reposted by Sorrowscopes

Alicia Kraft @aliciakraft.bsky.social · May 12

I ordered some hobby knickknacks on Etsy and they offered me the option to personalize the carrying case

Small green plastic case that says HUMAN EYES

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Reposted by Sorrowscopes

Alicia Kraft @aliciakraft.bsky.social · Jul 21

Really getting into stupid bullshit recently. Have you guys heard about stupid bullshit

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Alicia Kraft @aliciakraft.bsky.social · Jul 25

People like to shit on tradition, but I think it's a real time-saver. I glad I don't have to figure out what I'm supposed to do about God's birthday every year. Trees and candy, done. He loves it.

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Alicia Kraft @aliciakraft.bsky.social · Jun 30

Watching a "family friendly" nature documentary. The narrator says "He's asking her on a date!" over footage of a male spraying piss near a female and screaming HWONK HWONK

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Alicia Kraft @aliciakraft.bsky.social · May 27

Kinda BS that nobody cares if I call myself a "cat mom" but they act weird when I call myself a "cat MILF"

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Reposted by Sorrowscopes

Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social · 11h

Big shoutout to the wonderful and very funny @aliciakraft.bsky.social who kindly recommended me!

Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social · 3d

Writing for theonion.com has been a dream of mine for a long time and it finally came true! Two of my jokes are in the latest issue. Still waiting to hear if I 'passed' my trial, but either way I'm thrilled and honored to be published by the best humor site/newspaper on Earth

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Amy @lolennui.bsky.social · 1d

So cool that whenever someone asks the president, “did you eat the Lindbergh baby” he’s like, “no but I’d be allowed to, I have the right to, I might do it later”

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sky @iamspacegirl.bsky.social · Jun 11

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

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John @notheotherjohn.bsky.social · Sep 24

AI is going to revolutionize the way in which things suck

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d.ly @dly.bsky.social · 2d

I think it's very cool that we're able to make each other laugh

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · Nov 14

A lot of very funny and talented people have written for Sorrowscopes over the years- here they are!
bsky.app/starter-pack...

41 190 700

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Aries: Somebody gross loves you.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Taurus: Give yourself a little credit. Not everyone could screw up so badly in such a variety of ways.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Gemini: Sorry you didn’t get raptured. Jesus was going to bring you until 10,000 people signed a petition against it.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Cancer: You will be the worst possible version of yourself today, but no one will notice the difference.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Leo: Psychologists say self-hatred is better than emotional numbness, but why settle for one when you can have both for free!

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Virgo: This is the week to follow your dreams. When the clown beckons, go with him to the stream of blood. Your second grade teacher is waiting to roughly bathe you until you dissolve and become mist.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Libra: You will smell it, but not having dealt it, remain silent.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Scorpio: An old friend you haven’t seen for a long time could come to visit today. Avoid them at all costs—they’re serving you a subpoena.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Sagittarius: Stay alert to what's going on around you this week. You might find new love, or avoid being mowed down by a guy trying to shave while driving.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Capricorn: Messages from the stars are often garbled and confusing, so hopefully ferret problems, vanishing bones, and soup disaster make sense to you.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Aquarius: Some good old fashioned rest and relaxation would do a world of good for your physical and mental well-being. Oh well.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 4d

Pisces: Joy, love, hope, and prosperity are just some of the words that are foreign to you.

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