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Sorrowscopes

@sorrowscopes.bsky.social

23K followers 110 following 1.5K posts

Things are terrible (we follow our contributors)

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · Nov 14

A lot of very funny and talented people have written for Sorrowscopes over the years- here they are!
bsky.app/starter-pack...

41 190 700

Reposted by Sorrowscopes

Amy @lolennui.bsky.social · 10h

So cool that whenever someone asks the president, “did you eat the Lindbergh baby” he’s like, “no but I’d be allowed to, I have the right to, I might do it later”

200 2.5K 13K

Reposted by Sorrowscopes

sky @iamspacegirl.bsky.social · Jun 11

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

10 400 1.4K

Reposted by Sorrowscopes

John @notheotherjohn.bsky.social · Sep 24

AI is going to revolutionize the way in which things suck

1 38 180

Reposted by Sorrowscopes

d.ly @dly.bsky.social · 1d

I think it's very cool that we're able to make each other laugh

17 170 880

Reposted by Sorrowscopes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · Nov 14

A lot of very funny and talented people have written for Sorrowscopes over the years- here they are!
bsky.app/starter-pack...

41 190 700

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Aries: Somebody gross loves you.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Taurus: Give yourself a little credit. Not everyone could screw up so badly in such a variety of ways.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Gemini: Sorry you didn’t get raptured. Jesus was going to bring you until 10,000 people signed a petition against it.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Cancer: You will be the worst possible version of yourself today, but no one will notice the difference.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Leo: Psychologists say self-hatred is better than emotional numbness, but why settle for one when you can have both for free!

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Virgo: This is the week to follow your dreams. When the clown beckons, go with him to the stream of blood. Your second grade teacher is waiting to roughly bathe you until you dissolve and become mist.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Libra: You will smell it, but not having dealt it, remain silent.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Scorpio: An old friend you haven’t seen for a long time could come to visit today. Avoid them at all costs—they’re serving you a subpoena.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Sagittarius: Stay alert to what's going on around you this week. You might find new love, or avoid being mowed down by a guy trying to shave while driving.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Capricorn: Messages from the stars are often garbled and confusing, so hopefully ferret problems, vanishing bones, and soup disaster make sense to you.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Aquarius: Some good old fashioned rest and relaxation would do a world of good for your physical and mental well-being. Oh well.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 3d

Pisces: Joy, love, hope, and prosperity are just some of the words that are foreign to you.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 11d

showercake.com

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 11d

If you can't handle me at my worst (crying in the shower), you don't deserve me at my best (crying in the shower while eating cake)

8 160 670

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 17d

SORRY THESE ARE LATE I WAS BUSY TRYING TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THE TERROR OF BEING ALIVE

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 17d

Aries: You only get one chance at life and what a terrible mess you’re making of it.

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 17d

Taurus: It’s great that you have a 5 year plan, but maybe 4 of the 5 years shouldn’t be, ‘Scream repeatedly into the void.’

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Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social · 17d

Gemini: Take a vacation from your problems. Your assassin isn’t in a rush.

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