I hate when I feel sick and feverish so I go to take my temperature and the thermometer is like, “haha 97.6 bitch you’re fine 😛”

I JUST SAT ON A FUCKING BEE AND IT STUNG MY BUTT. I’M WALKING INTO THE FUCKING OCEAN.

Conspiracies are for people who crave knowledge but resent education

1 - I am an incredibly brave and emotionally mature person

2 - For the last 3 days I have been mixing up Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman

Any time Grampa Simpson says “I’ll be good” it makes me cry.

I don’t have a good reason why I just don’t like it when they’re mean to him 😢

Sam Rockwell I hope you live forever

Sometimes when the world is too much it really helps to tear into an AI customer support bot. Just really go whole hog into how unacceptable everything is.

Devo is so cool.

Every time I receive a package for someone else and they ask for my signature I panic because I don’t know whose name to sign.

Singing Bonanas for Bonanza to the theme song of Bananas in Pajamas until I go insane