Reposted by Dan
“George is normally such a loud, outgoing party animal, but when he hasn’t had a drink in a while, he becomes this completely different person,” said local alcoholic George Ralston’s friend Joe O’Hara
Alcoholic Not Himself When Sober
NEW YORK—Expressing alarm at their friend’s deeply uncharacteristic behavior, concerned sources reported Tuesday that local alcoholic George Ralston wasn’t himself when he was sober. “George is norma...
theonion.com
February 7, 2026 at 1:30 AM
“George is normally such a loud, outgoing party animal, but when he hasn’t had a drink in a while, he becomes this completely different person,” said local alcoholic George Ralston’s friend Joe O’Hara
Reposted by Dan
Women’s Cross-Country Skiing Marred By Catcalling Italian Men On Sidelines https://theonion.com/womens-cross-country-skiing-marred-by-catcalling-italian-men-on-sidelines/
February 7, 2026 at 12:00 PM
Women’s Cross-Country Skiing Marred By Catcalling Italian Men On Sidelines https://theonion.com/womens-cross-country-skiing-marred-by-catcalling-italian-men-on-sidelines/
Reposted by Dan
“Everything we know about skin has been learned from so-called scientific studies funded by large corporations who have a financial stake in keeping our musculature covered in an unnecessary layer of man-made flesh,” said Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
RFK Jr. Questions Efficacy Of Skin
WASHINGTON—In a firm dismissal of decades of scientific research and real-world data on the organ’s benefits and safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. publicly questioned t...
theonion.com
February 5, 2026 at 1:15 AM
“Everything we know about skin has been learned from so-called scientific studies funded by large corporations who have a financial stake in keeping our musculature covered in an unnecessary layer of man-made flesh,” said Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Reposted by Dan
“It was awesome. I was able to do the raid without leaving my home and ship my family off to an immigrant detention center all before 9 a.m.” said Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond
ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own Family
CHICAGO—Saying he couldn’t remember the last time an immigration raid had been so convenient, fast, or fun, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond reportedly scored an easy win Monday ...
theonion.com
February 4, 2026 at 12:30 AM
“It was awesome. I was able to do the raid without leaving my home and ship my family off to an immigrant detention center all before 9 a.m.” said Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond
Reposted by Dan
Groundhog Harassed By Dipshits In Stupid Hats
February 2, 2026 at 7:00 PM
Groundhog Harassed By Dipshits In Stupid Hats
Reposted by Dan
Old Man Whistling While Slapping Knee Once Again Sweeps Grammys https://theonion.com/old-man-whistling-while-slapping-knee-once-again-sweeps-1851226320/
February 2, 2026 at 3:00 AM
Old Man Whistling While Slapping Knee Once Again Sweeps Grammys https://theonion.com/old-man-whistling-while-slapping-knee-once-again-sweeps-1851226320/
Reposted by Dan
RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across Carpet https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-demonstrates-how-to-remove-tapeworm-by-scooting-ass-across-carpet/
January 30, 2026 at 8:30 PM
RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across Carpet https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-demonstrates-how-to-remove-tapeworm-by-scooting-ass-across-carpet/
Reposted by Dan
ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began https://theonion.com/ice-boasts-zero-murders-committed-by-5-year-olds-since-child-detainments-began/
January 30, 2026 at 5:32 PM
ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began https://theonion.com/ice-boasts-zero-murders-committed-by-5-year-olds-since-child-detainments-began/
Reposted by Dan
GOP Adds ‘ICE Kills Everyone’ Pillar To 2026 Platform https://theonion.com/gop-adds-ice-kills-everyone-pillar-to-2026-platform/
January 13, 2026 at 6:30 PM
GOP Adds ‘ICE Kills Everyone’ Pillar To 2026 Platform https://theonion.com/gop-adds-ice-kills-everyone-pillar-to-2026-platform/
Reposted by Dan
Fox News Sends Trump Quarterly Tithe Of 3 Blond Anchors https://theonion.com/fox-news-sends-trump-quarterly-tithe-of-3-blond-anchors/
January 9, 2026 at 4:00 PM
Fox News Sends Trump Quarterly Tithe Of 3 Blond Anchors https://theonion.com/fox-news-sends-trump-quarterly-tithe-of-3-blond-anchors/
Reposted by Dan
137 More Oil Wells Liberated For Democracy https://theonion.com/137-more-oil-wells-liberated-for-democracy-1819566812/
January 7, 2026 at 4:00 PM
137 More Oil Wells Liberated For Democracy https://theonion.com/137-more-oil-wells-liberated-for-democracy-1819566812/
Reposted by Dan
Lost Jan. 6 Rioter Still Searching Capitol Building For Mike Pence https://theonion.com/lost-jan-6-rioter-still-searching-capitol-building-for-mike-pence/
January 6, 2026 at 7:45 PM
Lost Jan. 6 Rioter Still Searching Capitol Building For Mike Pence https://theonion.com/lost-jan-6-rioter-still-searching-capitol-building-for-mike-pence/
Reposted by Dan
Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’
January 5, 2026 at 8:00 PM
Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’
Reposted by Dan
Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases https://theonion.com/desperate-kash-patel-asks-shooters-family-if-they-can-solve-any-other-cases/
December 30, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases https://theonion.com/desperate-kash-patel-asks-shooters-family-if-they-can-solve-any-other-cases/
Reposted by Dan
Trump Absent-Mindedly Snacks On Constitution
December 28, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Trump Absent-Mindedly Snacks On Constitution
Reposted by Dan
Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’
December 28, 2025 at 9:30 PM
Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’
Reposted by Dan
Star BYU Player Suspended After Testing Positive For Coffee https://theonion.com/star-byu-player-suspended-after-testing-positive-for-coffee/
December 22, 2025 at 10:30 PM
Star BYU Player Suspended After Testing Positive For Coffee https://theonion.com/star-byu-player-suspended-after-testing-positive-for-coffee/
Reposted by Dan
State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization https://theonion.com/state-department-designates-wnba-as-terrorist-organization/
December 22, 2025 at 11:00 PM
State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization https://theonion.com/state-department-designates-wnba-as-terrorist-organization/
Reposted by Dan
Student Who’s Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him https://theonion.com/student-whos-been-in-3-school-shootings-starting-to-think-this-might-be-about-him/
December 19, 2025 at 4:00 PM
Student Who’s Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him https://theonion.com/student-whos-been-in-3-school-shootings-starting-to-think-this-might-be-about-him/
Reposted by Dan
New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building Pyramids https://theonion.com/new-research-reveals-ancient-egyptians-received-significant-help-from-parents-while-building-pyramids/
December 18, 2025 at 4:12 PM
New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building Pyramids https://theonion.com/new-research-reveals-ancient-egyptians-received-significant-help-from-parents-while-building-pyramids/
Reposted by Dan
Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers
Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers
WASHINGTON—Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase in all numbers nationwide. “Effect...
theonion.com
December 18, 2025 at 2:22 AM
Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers
Reposted by Dan
Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-war-with-venezuela/
December 6, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-war-with-venezuela/
Reposted by Dan
Chess Grandmaster Tired Of People Comparing Every Life Situation To Chess Match https://theonion.com/chess-grandmaster-tired-of-people-comparing-every-life-1819579235/
December 17, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Chess Grandmaster Tired Of People Comparing Every Life Situation To Chess Match https://theonion.com/chess-grandmaster-tired-of-people-comparing-every-life-1819579235/
Reposted by Dan
Frustrated Gunman Can’t Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic https://theonion.com/frustrated-gunman-can-t-believe-how-far-he-has-to-drive-1819578452/
December 16, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Frustrated Gunman Can’t Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic https://theonion.com/frustrated-gunman-can-t-believe-how-far-he-has-to-drive-1819578452/
Reposted by Dan
Timeline Of Katy Perry And Justin Trudeau’s Relationship https://theonion.com/timeline-of-katy-perry-and-justin-trudeaus-relationship/
December 15, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Timeline Of Katy Perry And Justin Trudeau’s Relationship https://theonion.com/timeline-of-katy-perry-and-justin-trudeaus-relationship/