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The Onion
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America’s Finest News Source. A @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social subsidiary.

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View the full and uncut version of ‘Encircled: 1 Onion Subscriber vs 20 Non-Subscribers’ here:
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‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation
‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation
WASHINGTON—Responding to recent revelations suggesting the prominent economist was a close associate of the late child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, a devastated nation reportedly joined together to...
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December 20, 2025 at 12:30 AM
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Swashbuckle-up.
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December 14, 2025 at 2:34 PM
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Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family
Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family
WAYNE, NE—After coming together and pooling resources to save Christmas for the town’s most impoverished family, a tight-knit Nebraska community reportedly did jack shit this week to make the holiday ...
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December 20, 2025 at 12:00 AM
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Pay us money for the privilege of becoming a walking advertisement for The Onion. https://store.theonion.com/products/americas-finest-news-source-since-1988-t-shirt?variant=43500099502149
'America's Finest News Source Since 1988' Retro T-Shirt
December 19, 2025 at 11:30 PM
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Political Profile: Jack Schlossberg https://theonion.com/political-profile-jack-schlossberg/
Core Belief: Americans are sicker of gerontocracy than nepotism
December 19, 2025 at 11:00 PM
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State Department Reinstates Times New Roman Font Over DEI Concerns
https://theonion.com/state-department-reinstates-times-new-roman-font-over-dei-concerns/
“And after all that time I spent learning how to read in Calibri.” Danny Bodjanac, Timpani Tuner
December 19, 2025 at 10:30 PM
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Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles 
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Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles 
December 19, 2025 at 10:06 PM
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Study Shows Link Between Feelings Of Guilt, Bleeding Man Holding Onto Car Hood Screaming At You To Stop https://theonion.com/study-shows-link-between-feelings-of-guilt-bleeding-ma-1827515502/
Study Shows Link Between Feelings Of Guilt, Bleeding Man Holding Onto Car Hood Screaming At You To Stop
December 19, 2025 at 10:00 PM
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House Oversight Committee members have released the most damning images yet of Jeffrey Epstein and his vast consortium of perverted associates.

To see the full collection, watch The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey Epstein -
youtu.be/XjhSoGcQhWU
December 19, 2025 at 9:36 PM
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What are you going to do? Save your money? For the future?! https://store.theonion.com/products/history-sighs-repeats-itself-headline-sweatshirt-1?variant=42081380663365
'History Sighs, Repeats Itself' Headline Sweatshirt
December 19, 2025 at 9:30 PM
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CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Year
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CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Year
December 19, 2025 at 9:27 PM
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Cheap Nation Falling Apart https://theonion.com/cheap-nation-falling-apart-1850156543/
Cheap Nation Falling Apart
December 19, 2025 at 9:00 PM
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Blue Drew Barrymore Could’ve Sworn She Saw James Cameron On Schedule
Blue Drew Barrymore Could’ve Sworn She Saw James Cameron On Schedule
December 19, 2025 at 8:15 PM
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Hockey Players Blast ‘Heated Rivalry’ For Unrealistic Depiction Of Anal Sex https://theonion.com/hockey-players-blast-heated-rivalry-for-unrealistic-depiction-of-anal-sex/
Hockey Players Blast ‘Heated Rivalry’ For Unrealistic Depiction Of Anal Sex
December 19, 2025 at 7:00 PM
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Ho, Ho, Ho! I Started Dating Mrs. Claus When She Was 14!
December 19, 2025 at 6:00 PM
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Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family https://theonion.com/community-does-jack-shit-to-make-christmas-better-for-towns-second-poorest-family/
Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family
December 19, 2025 at 5:00 PM
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Student Who’s Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him https://theonion.com/student-whos-been-in-3-school-shootings-starting-to-think-this-might-be-about-him/
Student Who’s Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him
December 19, 2025 at 4:00 PM
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All of our merchandise is made with love. And a good amount of spite.
https://store.theonion.com/collections/tote-bags
All of our merchandise is made with love. And a good amount of spite.
December 18, 2025 at 11:30 PM
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Activist Judge Cancels Christmas https://theonion.com/activist-judge-cancels-christmas-1819568174/
Activist Judge Cancels Christmas
December 18, 2025 at 11:00 PM
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Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended https://theonion.com/unconventional-director-sets-shakespeare-play-in-time-1819569151/
Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended
December 18, 2025 at 10:00 PM
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Report Finds More Americans Using GoFundMe For Basic Necessities
https://theonion.com/report-finds-more-americans-using-gofundme-for-basic-necessities/
“It’s always a bad sign when people start helping their neighbors.” Jason Vaught, Cheese Strainer
December 18, 2025 at 9:30 PM
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Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds https://theonion.com/powerful-rest-and-fluids-industry-influencing-doctors-t-1819570463/
Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds
December 18, 2025 at 9:00 PM
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Trump Announces New ‘Dodger Dividend’ For Anyone Who Avoided Military Service https://theonion.com/trump-announces-new-dodger-dividend-for-anyone-who-avoided-military-service/
Trump Announces New ‘Dodger Dividend’ For Anyone Who Avoided Military Service
December 18, 2025 at 8:00 PM
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Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money
Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money
December 18, 2025 at 7:00 PM