The Onion
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America’s Finest News Source. A @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social subsidiary.
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December 19, 2025 at 11:30 PM
Pay us money for the privilege of becoming a walking advertisement for The Onion. https://store.theonion.com/products/americas-finest-news-source-since-1988-t-shirt?variant=43500099502149
Political Profile: Jack Schlossberg https://theonion.com/political-profile-jack-schlossberg/
December 19, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Political Profile: Jack Schlossberg https://theonion.com/political-profile-jack-schlossberg/
State Department Reinstates Times New Roman Font Over DEI Concerns
https://theonion.com/state-department-reinstates-times-new-roman-font-over-dei-concerns/
https://theonion.com/state-department-reinstates-times-new-roman-font-over-dei-concerns/
December 19, 2025 at 10:30 PM
State Department Reinstates Times New Roman Font Over DEI Concerns
https://theonion.com/state-department-reinstates-times-new-roman-font-over-dei-concerns/
https://theonion.com/state-department-reinstates-times-new-roman-font-over-dei-concerns/
Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles
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December 19, 2025 at 10:06 PM
Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles
theonion.com/trump-still-...
theonion.com/trump-still-...
Study Shows Link Between Feelings Of Guilt, Bleeding Man Holding Onto Car Hood Screaming At You To Stop https://theonion.com/study-shows-link-between-feelings-of-guilt-bleeding-ma-1827515502/
December 19, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Study Shows Link Between Feelings Of Guilt, Bleeding Man Holding Onto Car Hood Screaming At You To Stop https://theonion.com/study-shows-link-between-feelings-of-guilt-bleeding-ma-1827515502/
House Oversight Committee members have released the most damning images yet of Jeffrey Epstein and his vast consortium of perverted associates.
To see the full collection, watch The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey Epstein -
youtu.be/XjhSoGcQhWU
To see the full collection, watch The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey Epstein -
youtu.be/XjhSoGcQhWU
December 19, 2025 at 9:36 PM
House Oversight Committee members have released the most damning images yet of Jeffrey Epstein and his vast consortium of perverted associates.
To see the full collection, watch The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey Epstein -
youtu.be/XjhSoGcQhWU
To see the full collection, watch The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey Epstein -
youtu.be/XjhSoGcQhWU
What are you going to do? Save your money? For the future?! https://store.theonion.com/products/history-sighs-repeats-itself-headline-sweatshirt-1?variant=42081380663365
December 19, 2025 at 9:30 PM
What are you going to do? Save your money? For the future?! https://store.theonion.com/products/history-sighs-repeats-itself-headline-sweatshirt-1?variant=42081380663365
CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Year
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December 19, 2025 at 9:27 PM
CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Year
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theonion.com/cia-realizes...
Cheap Nation Falling Apart https://theonion.com/cheap-nation-falling-apart-1850156543/
December 19, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Cheap Nation Falling Apart https://theonion.com/cheap-nation-falling-apart-1850156543/
Blue Drew Barrymore Could’ve Sworn She Saw James Cameron On Schedule
December 19, 2025 at 8:15 PM
Blue Drew Barrymore Could’ve Sworn She Saw James Cameron On Schedule
Hockey Players Blast ‘Heated Rivalry’ For Unrealistic Depiction Of Anal Sex https://theonion.com/hockey-players-blast-heated-rivalry-for-unrealistic-depiction-of-anal-sex/
December 19, 2025 at 7:00 PM
Hockey Players Blast ‘Heated Rivalry’ For Unrealistic Depiction Of Anal Sex https://theonion.com/hockey-players-blast-heated-rivalry-for-unrealistic-depiction-of-anal-sex/
Ho, Ho, Ho! I Started Dating Mrs. Claus When She Was 14!
December 19, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Ho, Ho, Ho! I Started Dating Mrs. Claus When She Was 14!
Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family https://theonion.com/community-does-jack-shit-to-make-christmas-better-for-towns-second-poorest-family/
December 19, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family https://theonion.com/community-does-jack-shit-to-make-christmas-better-for-towns-second-poorest-family/
Student Who’s Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him https://theonion.com/student-whos-been-in-3-school-shootings-starting-to-think-this-might-be-about-him/
December 19, 2025 at 4:00 PM
Student Who’s Been In 3 School Shootings Starting To Think This Might Be About Him https://theonion.com/student-whos-been-in-3-school-shootings-starting-to-think-this-might-be-about-him/
All of our merchandise is made with love. And a good amount of spite.
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December 18, 2025 at 11:30 PM
All of our merchandise is made with love. And a good amount of spite.
https://store.theonion.com/collections/tote-bags
https://store.theonion.com/collections/tote-bags
Activist Judge Cancels Christmas https://theonion.com/activist-judge-cancels-christmas-1819568174/
December 18, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Activist Judge Cancels Christmas https://theonion.com/activist-judge-cancels-christmas-1819568174/
Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended https://theonion.com/unconventional-director-sets-shakespeare-play-in-time-1819569151/
December 18, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended https://theonion.com/unconventional-director-sets-shakespeare-play-in-time-1819569151/
Report Finds More Americans Using GoFundMe For Basic Necessities
https://theonion.com/report-finds-more-americans-using-gofundme-for-basic-necessities/
https://theonion.com/report-finds-more-americans-using-gofundme-for-basic-necessities/
December 18, 2025 at 9:30 PM
Report Finds More Americans Using GoFundMe For Basic Necessities
https://theonion.com/report-finds-more-americans-using-gofundme-for-basic-necessities/
https://theonion.com/report-finds-more-americans-using-gofundme-for-basic-necessities/
Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds https://theonion.com/powerful-rest-and-fluids-industry-influencing-doctors-t-1819570463/
December 18, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds https://theonion.com/powerful-rest-and-fluids-industry-influencing-doctors-t-1819570463/
Trump Announces New ‘Dodger Dividend’ For Anyone Who Avoided Military Service https://theonion.com/trump-announces-new-dodger-dividend-for-anyone-who-avoided-military-service/
December 18, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Trump Announces New ‘Dodger Dividend’ For Anyone Who Avoided Military Service https://theonion.com/trump-announces-new-dodger-dividend-for-anyone-who-avoided-military-service/
Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money
December 18, 2025 at 7:00 PM
Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money
Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Foods Dumpsters https://theonion.com/aldi-ceo-chased-off-from-whole-foods-dumpsters/
December 18, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Foods Dumpsters https://theonion.com/aldi-ceo-chased-off-from-whole-foods-dumpsters/
New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building Pyramids https://theonion.com/new-research-reveals-ancient-egyptians-received-significant-help-from-parents-while-building-pyramids/
December 18, 2025 at 4:12 PM
New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building Pyramids https://theonion.com/new-research-reveals-ancient-egyptians-received-significant-help-from-parents-while-building-pyramids/
