Electrode Girl
@electrodegirl.bsky.social
Writing from inside mental illness and recovery-in-progress.
Using Flow Neuroscience as part of that process.
https://electrodegirl.substack.com
https://www.instagram.com/electrode_girl/
Using Flow Neuroscience as part of that process.
https://electrodegirl.substack.com
https://www.instagram.com/electrode_girl/
Today I walked 70m up the road alone in the dark and back.
I washed, dressed, cooked, posted, redesigned my website.
HTT signed me back to CMHT.
I washed, dressed, cooked, posted, redesigned my website.
HTT signed me back to CMHT.
December 27, 2025 at 3:23 AM
Today I walked 70m up the road alone in the dark and back.
I washed, dressed, cooked, posted, redesigned my website.
HTT signed me back to CMHT.
I washed, dressed, cooked, posted, redesigned my website.
HTT signed me back to CMHT.
Yesterday I got into a taxi to see friends.
We ate brisket and kugel after Hanukah.
I had a small nip of whiskey.
For a few hours, I felt more like myself.
Today I walked a short distance on my own, in the dark, and came back.
Same shoes. No metaphor.
Both required determination. Both count.
We ate brisket and kugel after Hanukah.
I had a small nip of whiskey.
For a few hours, I felt more like myself.
Today I walked a short distance on my own, in the dark, and came back.
Same shoes. No metaphor.
Both required determination. Both count.
December 25, 2025 at 6:42 PM
Yesterday I got into a taxi to see friends.
We ate brisket and kugel after Hanukah.
I had a small nip of whiskey.
For a few hours, I felt more like myself.
Today I walked a short distance on my own, in the dark, and came back.
Same shoes. No metaphor.
Both required determination. Both count.
We ate brisket and kugel after Hanukah.
I had a small nip of whiskey.
For a few hours, I felt more like myself.
Today I walked a short distance on my own, in the dark, and came back.
Same shoes. No metaphor.
Both required determination. Both count.
"I was told the Home Treatment Team were leaving because I 'wasn’t engaging'.
I was crying hard.
I couldn’t speak properly.
I was trying to get my breathing back under control.
The leaving was the intervention."
I was crying hard.
I couldn’t speak properly.
I was trying to get my breathing back under control.
The leaving was the intervention."
December 22, 2025 at 11:21 PM
"I was told the Home Treatment Team were leaving because I 'wasn’t engaging'.
I was crying hard.
I couldn’t speak properly.
I was trying to get my breathing back under control.
The leaving was the intervention."
I was crying hard.
I couldn’t speak properly.
I was trying to get my breathing back under control.
The leaving was the intervention."
Today didn’t de-escalate.
The Home Treatment Team came and left. They did not help.
They left while I was crying and asking for help, and they ended the visit abruptly, claiming I wasn't engaging with them.
They showed no empathy at all.
The effect of that is still in my body.
The Home Treatment Team came and left. They did not help.
They left while I was crying and asking for help, and they ended the visit abruptly, claiming I wasn't engaging with them.
They showed no empathy at all.
The effect of that is still in my body.
December 21, 2025 at 8:15 PM
Today didn’t de-escalate.
The Home Treatment Team came and left. They did not help.
They left while I was crying and asking for help, and they ended the visit abruptly, claiming I wasn't engaging with them.
They showed no empathy at all.
The effect of that is still in my body.
The Home Treatment Team came and left. They did not help.
They left while I was crying and asking for help, and they ended the visit abruptly, claiming I wasn't engaging with them.
They showed no empathy at all.
The effect of that is still in my body.
This caught my eye.
In years to come, MAYBE some people who suffer with non-dysphoria based major depression will be offered hormone therapy.
I have many trans friends who have described a similar experience as yours.
In years to come, MAYBE some people who suffer with non-dysphoria based major depression will be offered hormone therapy.
I have many trans friends who have described a similar experience as yours.
it only took 2 or 3 injections for me to almost instantaneously start feeling better. it was actually insane. I'd had treatment-resistant depression for well over a decade. high doses of two antidepressants just to get me down from "severe" to the upper end of "moderate" on the PHQ-9.
December 21, 2025 at 7:27 PM
This caught my eye.
In years to come, MAYBE some people who suffer with non-dysphoria based major depression will be offered hormone therapy.
I have many trans friends who have described a similar experience as yours.
In years to come, MAYBE some people who suffer with non-dysphoria based major depression will be offered hormone therapy.
I have many trans friends who have described a similar experience as yours.
This was written over a year ago.
Being Jewish, also estranged from family, and being alone over the holiday season is agonising.
For me there's no way I can observe any part of this year without being around people.
My chosen Mishpachah all seem to have families that actually want them.
Being Jewish, also estranged from family, and being alone over the holiday season is agonising.
For me there's no way I can observe any part of this year without being around people.
My chosen Mishpachah all seem to have families that actually want them.
I’ve posted before about my severe depression. I may repost this tomorrow as well.
Thanksgiving is a triggering holiday for me since it is when my Jewish family would get together for the holiday season. My mom died shortly after the 2021 holiday, & I’m mutually estranged from surviving family.
Thanksgiving is a triggering holiday for me since it is when my Jewish family would get together for the holiday season. My mom died shortly after the 2021 holiday, & I’m mutually estranged from surviving family.
December 21, 2025 at 1:57 AM
This was written over a year ago.
Being Jewish, also estranged from family, and being alone over the holiday season is agonising.
For me there's no way I can observe any part of this year without being around people.
My chosen Mishpachah all seem to have families that actually want them.
Being Jewish, also estranged from family, and being alone over the holiday season is agonising.
For me there's no way I can observe any part of this year without being around people.
My chosen Mishpachah all seem to have families that actually want them.
What tipped me into crisis yesterday was not just how unwell I was.
A planned HTT meeting did not happen. CMHT did not attend. No visit, no call. Dan was with me and spoke directly to the CMHT trying to find out what was going on.
open.substack.com/pub/electrod...
A planned HTT meeting did not happen. CMHT did not attend. No visit, no call. Dan was with me and spoke directly to the CMHT trying to find out what was going on.
open.substack.com/pub/electrod...
What tipped me into crisis yesterday
When things were already really bad...
open.substack.com
December 20, 2025 at 6:49 PM
What tipped me into crisis yesterday was not just how unwell I was.
A planned HTT meeting did not happen. CMHT did not attend. No visit, no call. Dan was with me and spoke directly to the CMHT trying to find out what was going on.
open.substack.com/pub/electrod...
A planned HTT meeting did not happen. CMHT did not attend. No visit, no call. Dan was with me and spoke directly to the CMHT trying to find out what was going on.
open.substack.com/pub/electrod...
Bought a few NeeDoh cubes today.
Small, squishy, quietly effective.
Something grounding to hold when my nervous system is loud and words are not helping.
Letting small supports count.
#mentalhealth #anxiety #nervoussystem #selfsoothing #sensorytools #NeeDoh
electrodegirl.substack.com
Small, squishy, quietly effective.
Something grounding to hold when my nervous system is loud and words are not helping.
Letting small supports count.
#mentalhealth #anxiety #nervoussystem #selfsoothing #sensorytools #NeeDoh
electrodegirl.substack.com
December 19, 2025 at 10:15 PM
Bought a few NeeDoh cubes today.
Small, squishy, quietly effective.
Something grounding to hold when my nervous system is loud and words are not helping.
Letting small supports count.
#mentalhealth #anxiety #nervoussystem #selfsoothing #sensorytools #NeeDoh
electrodegirl.substack.com
Small, squishy, quietly effective.
Something grounding to hold when my nervous system is loud and words are not helping.
Letting small supports count.
#mentalhealth #anxiety #nervoussystem #selfsoothing #sensorytools #NeeDoh
electrodegirl.substack.com
I’ve written about what’s been happening with my housing application and the overlap with mental health support.
Nothing is resolved yet, but there is movement and professional involvement.
#HousingCrisis #SocialHousing #MentalHealth #CMHT
open.substack.com/pub/electrod...
Nothing is resolved yet, but there is movement and professional involvement.
#HousingCrisis #SocialHousing #MentalHealth #CMHT
open.substack.com/pub/electrod...
Isolation & Housing
Negotiating an opaque system
open.substack.com
December 18, 2025 at 6:40 PM
I’ve written about what’s been happening with my housing application and the overlap with mental health support.
Nothing is resolved yet, but there is movement and professional involvement.
#HousingCrisis #SocialHousing #MentalHealth #CMHT
open.substack.com/pub/electrod...
Nothing is resolved yet, but there is movement and professional involvement.
#HousingCrisis #SocialHousing #MentalHealth #CMHT
open.substack.com/pub/electrod...
Glad you are better. I'm still waiting for my 6pm meds slot...
I need to be rehoused as I don't feel safe here (noise, people, isolation).
I'm trying really hard to get through each day.
Been thinking of blowing loads of money on ketamine therapy.
I need to be rehoused as I don't feel safe here (noise, people, isolation).
I'm trying really hard to get through each day.
Been thinking of blowing loads of money on ketamine therapy.
Hi, thanks for asking. I'm doing better than I was. Switched medication which helped a lot. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with that, it's not easy and not fun.
What helps me when it gets really bad is having someone with me when I first start going out again.
What helps me when it gets really bad is having someone with me when I first start going out again.
December 18, 2025 at 5:31 PM
Glad you are better. I'm still waiting for my 6pm meds slot...
I need to be rehoused as I don't feel safe here (noise, people, isolation).
I'm trying really hard to get through each day.
Been thinking of blowing loads of money on ketamine therapy.
I need to be rehoused as I don't feel safe here (noise, people, isolation).
I'm trying really hard to get through each day.
Been thinking of blowing loads of money on ketamine therapy.
I currently can't go out without someone - and I have to push myself to stand outside where I live for 90s (noisy traffic intersection, isolated). I guess #agoraphobia counterbalanced with acceptance that you are ill, it isn't your fault and #microtasking is sometimes the only way forward.
Day 3 on the #longboard making #strava progress.
Longboarding by the river wondering why so many plans never became what I hoped.
The real work is carrying disappointment without letting it harden you. If you feel that too tell me how you keep going. #eringolightly #agoraphobia #cptsd #therapy
Longboarding by the river wondering why so many plans never became what I hoped.
The real work is carrying disappointment without letting it harden you. If you feel that too tell me how you keep going. #eringolightly #agoraphobia #cptsd #therapy
December 18, 2025 at 5:24 PM
I currently can't go out without someone - and I have to push myself to stand outside where I live for 90s (noisy traffic intersection, isolated). I guess #agoraphobia counterbalanced with acceptance that you are ill, it isn't your fault and #microtasking is sometimes the only way forward.
How are you now? So sorry this interacted with you in the way you feel it did. #agoraphobia is relatively new to me - back in June I was still driving my car. Now I'm forcing myself to walk outside the house I live in and stand there for 90s. Not helped by a very noisy traffic crossing.
Yesterday was day 4 on Atomoxetine. Tried to go for a walk, had to come back due to anxiety/panic feelings. I've struggled with agoraphobia for years, but this is the worst it's been in awhile. So yeah not the drug for me.
#mentalhealth #strattera ##atomoxetine #adhd #anxiety #panic #agoraphobia
#mentalhealth #strattera ##atomoxetine #adhd #anxiety #panic #agoraphobia
December 18, 2025 at 5:02 PM
How are you now? So sorry this interacted with you in the way you feel it did. #agoraphobia is relatively new to me - back in June I was still driving my car. Now I'm forcing myself to walk outside the house I live in and stand there for 90s. Not helped by a very noisy traffic crossing.
This has just described me. I presently struggle just to answer the front door for deliveries of food etc. I wish more people understood this horrible condition. I've always been a bit #claustrophobic but #agoraphobia is something quite new - or at least the symptoms I now have are very new.
December 18, 2025 at 4:59 PM
This has just described me. I presently struggle just to answer the front door for deliveries of food etc. I wish more people understood this horrible condition. I've always been a bit #claustrophobic but #agoraphobia is something quite new - or at least the symptoms I now have are very new.
I’ve been tracking my mood and wellbeing with the Flow headset — using their self-reported data, recorded every few days.
These charts don’t just show scores; they reflect patterns. Sleep, concentration, and zest for life fluctuate. Mood steadies, unease softens, and optimism rises slightly.
These charts don’t just show scores; they reflect patterns. Sleep, concentration, and zest for life fluctuate. Mood steadies, unease softens, and optimism rises slightly.
December 18, 2025 at 3:18 AM
I’ve been tracking my mood and wellbeing with the Flow headset — using their self-reported data, recorded every few days.
These charts don’t just show scores; they reflect patterns. Sleep, concentration, and zest for life fluctuate. Mood steadies, unease softens, and optimism rises slightly.
These charts don’t just show scores; they reflect patterns. Sleep, concentration, and zest for life fluctuate. Mood steadies, unease softens, and optimism rises slightly.
One minute outside doesn’t sound like much.
Open my door, cross the landing, go downstairs, and stand still while traffic roared past. My body panicked even though nothing happened. I counted the seconds because that was the only way through.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/one-minute...
Open my door, cross the landing, go downstairs, and stand still while traffic roared past. My body panicked even though nothing happened. I counted the seconds because that was the only way through.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/one-minute...
One minute outside
A winter held together by small steps and an absence that will not ease.
electrodegirl.substack.com
December 16, 2025 at 8:16 PM
One minute outside doesn’t sound like much.
Open my door, cross the landing, go downstairs, and stand still while traffic roared past. My body panicked even though nothing happened. I counted the seconds because that was the only way through.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/one-minute...
Open my door, cross the landing, go downstairs, and stand still while traffic roared past. My body panicked even though nothing happened. I counted the seconds because that was the only way through.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/one-minute...
Very small actions that take far more effort than they should.
Getting dressed late. Answering questions that feel rehearsed and empty. Standing outside for ten seconds and coming back in again, not because it helped, but because it happened.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/the-hours-...
Getting dressed late. Answering questions that feel rehearsed and empty. Standing outside for ten seconds and coming back in again, not because it helped, but because it happened.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/the-hours-...
The Hours Between Tears
A Shabbas evening in a quiet room
electrodegirl.substack.com
December 16, 2025 at 8:07 PM
Very small actions that take far more effort than they should.
Getting dressed late. Answering questions that feel rehearsed and empty. Standing outside for ten seconds and coming back in again, not because it helped, but because it happened.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/the-hours-...
Getting dressed late. Answering questions that feel rehearsed and empty. Standing outside for ten seconds and coming back in again, not because it helped, but because it happened.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/the-hours-...
Today held together in pieces so small they barely count. Waiting for fear to ease enough to cross a room. Eating something because not eating made things worse. None of it helped. All of it mattered.
electrodegirl.substack.com/p/holding-th...
#livedexperience #mentalhealth #coping #smallsteps
electrodegirl.substack.com/p/holding-th...
#livedexperience #mentalhealth #coping #smallsteps
Holding the Day Together: Notes From the Edges of Myself
A day built from tiny negotiations with fear, hunger and breath.
electrodegirl.substack.com
December 16, 2025 at 7:58 PM
Today held together in pieces so small they barely count. Waiting for fear to ease enough to cross a room. Eating something because not eating made things worse. None of it helped. All of it mattered.
electrodegirl.substack.com/p/holding-th...
#livedexperience #mentalhealth #coping #smallsteps
electrodegirl.substack.com/p/holding-th...
#livedexperience #mentalhealth #coping #smallsteps
This is what a day looks like when there’s no arc to follow.
Not progress, not collapse. Just time passing, attention narrowing, and small things becoming the whole shape of it.
electrodegirl.substack.com/p/the-shape-...
#livedexperience #mentalhealth #coping
Not progress, not collapse. Just time passing, attention narrowing, and small things becoming the whole shape of it.
electrodegirl.substack.com/p/the-shape-...
#livedexperience #mentalhealth #coping
December 16, 2025 at 7:50 PM
This is what a day looks like when there’s no arc to follow.
Not progress, not collapse. Just time passing, attention narrowing, and small things becoming the whole shape of it.
electrodegirl.substack.com/p/the-shape-...
#livedexperience #mentalhealth #coping
Not progress, not collapse. Just time passing, attention narrowing, and small things becoming the whole shape of it.
electrodegirl.substack.com/p/the-shape-...
#livedexperience #mentalhealth #coping
electrodegirl.substack.com/p/why-emotio...
New Substack post: Why emotional N-back in the Flow app feels so confronting.
I wrote about how the task feels intense, combines focus, memory, and emotion, and why it affects me the way it does.
#mentalhealth #livedexperience #FlowNeuroscience
New Substack post: Why emotional N-back in the Flow app feels so confronting.
I wrote about how the task feels intense, combines focus, memory, and emotion, and why it affects me the way it does.
#mentalhealth #livedexperience #FlowNeuroscience
Why Emotional N-Back in the Flow App Can Feel So Crushing When You’re Unwell
When a mind already in pain is asked to carry one task too many
electrodegirl.substack.com
December 16, 2025 at 1:16 AM
electrodegirl.substack.com/p/why-emotio...
New Substack post: Why emotional N-back in the Flow app feels so confronting.
I wrote about how the task feels intense, combines focus, memory, and emotion, and why it affects me the way it does.
#mentalhealth #livedexperience #FlowNeuroscience
New Substack post: Why emotional N-back in the Flow app feels so confronting.
I wrote about how the task feels intense, combines focus, memory, and emotion, and why it affects me the way it does.
#mentalhealth #livedexperience #FlowNeuroscience
I’ve published a new Substack post called Going with the Flow.
It’s about waiting, trying to advocate for care that does not make things worse, and cautiously exploring additional forms of support when existing options are not enough.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/going-with...
It’s about waiting, trying to advocate for care that does not make things worse, and cautiously exploring additional forms of support when existing options are not enough.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/going-with...
Going with The Flow
I am writing this during a long night of waiting, in a medical setting, after many hours without sleep.
electrodegirl.substack.com
December 16, 2025 at 12:47 AM
I’ve published a new Substack post called Going with the Flow.
It’s about waiting, trying to advocate for care that does not make things worse, and cautiously exploring additional forms of support when existing options are not enough.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/going-with...
It’s about waiting, trying to advocate for care that does not make things worse, and cautiously exploring additional forms of support when existing options are not enough.
🔗 electrodegirl.substack.com/p/going-with...